Personal Statement driving me crazy

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
tparil2
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2012 12:28 pm

Personal Statement driving me crazy

Postby tparil2 » Wed Nov 07, 2012 6:22 am

Can someone edit this for grammar and slight stylistic changes. This process has gone on far too long.

The shelter located in the basement of my church was sparse and hot. The smell was unlike any I have encountered; the vision inside was jarring. The women and children were separated from the men by a tarp that ran down the middle of the large room. I felt there were too many homeless people for this shelter within my town. The worst part of my volunteering was seeing the children in the shelter. Most were babies, others toddlers; their parent’s economic position did not allow them early education. I cannot recall seeing any child with a book. These children were disadvantaged from the onset of their lives. Some would reappear every Saturday. Coming across these children at such a young age was especially upsetting. They were usually several years younger than I, but my memories of being that age were still vivid. These feelings initially drove me to volunteer at the shelter. They continue to motivate me to make a difference in my community.

At ten years old I learned about the problem of homelessness that affected my town. Its scale was larger than I had imagined. Seeing dozens, sometimes a hundred people, living in the shelters gave me a new perspective on my affluent suburb. I thought Downers Grove was not a place that had homeless people, and the shattering of this illusion changed me. Working at the non-profit PADS (Public Action to Deliver Shelter) organization gave me a newfound gratitude for what I have, and the startling realization of how everyday life is a struggle for many. Before the first time I went, I asked my father why we had to go. He told me those that are given much in life owe a debt to those who were not. This has motivated me to return the last twelve years to assist the shelter. The problem of homelessness may never be solved, but it would be worse if people stopped trying.

I know I will continue to go and try my best to support the program, but treating the symptoms of homelessness is very different from working to end the problem. A degree in law is a helpful first step in working against this and other problems society faces. Several instances of lawyers’ roles within the world and their ability to deal with major social problems were described in the book Family Properties. This biography is about a lawyer, Matt Satter, and his quest to end discriminatory housing policies and exploitative slumlords. It depicted the role of lawyers in the poverty-stricken community of Lawndale. Many of the slumlords Satter fought against were also lawyers. This book describes the power of lawyers on both sides of this issue. It also demonstrated the ability for lawyers to alter their community. One was motivated to change the world positively; the others were motivated to exploit for their own self-interest. Clearly, I want to be a lawyer making the world a better place.

I have met lawyers like Matt Satter. Several of the attorneys I worked with this summer volunteered their skills on pro bono cases. These lawyers contributed to both their jobs and their communities. I am inspired like these lawyers, and I look forward to the day when I can contribute my legal skills to important organizations like so many others before me. . Many public interest groups, like PADS, need advocates. The impact I can make while making breakfast, cleaning my shelter, and giving the guests food to take before they leave only makes a small difference. Their lives are still filled with uncertainty. However, if I were to become a legal advocate I could make a substantial impact on others lives. I have seen it done by others, and I too would like to offer my time and knowledge. I would like to advocate for disadvantaged youth, the homeless, and those losing their homes. A law degree would allow me to work in various fields, and assist many. PADS, like many other organizations of this nature, requires the work of lawyers and others within civil society to promote their causes. These programs are vital, and my participation in them would both develop my skills as a lawyer and continue my growth as a person.

tparil2
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2012 12:28 pm

Re: Personal Statement driving me crazy

Postby tparil2 » Wed Nov 07, 2012 6:24 am

I would be happy to evaluate/edit anyone else's personal statement my email is tparil2@gmail.com

mmbt123
Posts: 94
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:47 am

Re: Personal Statement driving me crazy

Postby mmbt123 » Wed Nov 07, 2012 10:38 am

whoops sorry just realized yo uwere looking for grammar stuff not stylistic stuff.

User avatar
fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Re: Personal Statement driving me crazy

Postby fruitoftheloom » Wed Nov 07, 2012 11:11 pm

The shelter located in the basement of my church was sparse and hot. The smell was unlike any I have had encountered; the vision inside was jarring. The women and children were separated from the men by a tarp that ran down the middle of the large room. I felt Don't love the word "felt" here. I would omit "I felt" all together and say something like "I was shocked that" or "I found the sight abhorrent" or something like that. there were too many homeless people for this shelter within my town. The worst part of my volunteering was seeing the children in the shelter. Most were babies, others toddlersMost were babies, other toddlers doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe "Most were babies or toddlers" or "Many were babies, others toddlers"; their parent’s economic position did not allow them early education. I know you only want grammar, but what education do you expect for babies/toddler? Maybe you mean their parents economic conditions did not allow them environmental enrichment, surrounded by colored baubles to look at.. idk? I cannot recall seeing any child with a book. These children were disadvantaged from the onset of their lives. Some would reappear every Saturday. Coming across these children at such a young age was especially upsetting. You should specify your age - you say you are 10 below, but I"m confused about how old you are during your first experience (which I guess it what you are writing about?) They were usually several years younger than I, but my memories of being that age were still vivid. These feelings initially drove me to volunteer at the shelter. You contradict this below, when you say your father made you volunteer. They continue to motivate me to make a difference in my community.

At ten years old I learned about the problem of homelessness that affected my town. Its scale was larger than I had imagined. You're 10, what do you know about homelessness? Maybe "this opened my eyes to the problem of homelessness" or something Seeing dozens, sometimes a hundred people, living in the shelters gave me a new perspective on my affluent suburb. I thought Downers Grove was not a place that had homeless people, and the shattering of this illusion changed me. Working at the non-profit PADS (Public Action to Deliver Shelter) organization gave me a new-found gratitude for what I have, omit this comma, the 2nd part isn't a complete sentenceand the startling realization of how everyday life is a struggle for many. Before the first time I went, I asked my father why we had to go. He told me those that are given much in life owe a debt to those who were not. This has motivated me to return over the last twelve years to assist the shelter. The problem of homelessness may never be solved, but it would be substantially worse if people stopped trying.

I know I will continue to go and try my best Don't say "try my best", it's too noncomittal. I will continue to support this program and others like it is better. to support the program, but treating the symptoms of homelessness is very different from working to end the problem. A degree in law is a helpful first step in working against this and other problems society faces. Several instances of lawyers’ roles within the world and their ability to deal with major social problems were described in the book Family Properties. This biography is about a lawyer, Matt Satter, and his quest to end discriminatory housing policies and exploitative slumlords. It depicted depicts - you always write about literature in present tense the role of lawyers in the poverty-stricken community of Lawndale. Many of the slumlords Satter fought fights against were also lawyers. This book describes the power of lawyers on both sides of this issue. It also demonstrated demonstrates the ability for lawyers to alter their community. One was motivated to change the world positively; the others were motivated to exploit for their own self-interest. Clearly, I want to be a lawyer making the world a better place.

Fix your tense in this paragraph - need present tense in the 2nd to last sentence too. Also "clearly, I want to be a lawyer" does not follow from "I read this book about lawyers.."

I have met lawyers like Matt Satter. Several of the attorneys I worked with this summer volunteered their skills on pro bono cases. These lawyers contributed to both their jobs What on earth do you mean contributed to their jobs? They worked.. do you mean contributed to their professions? If so, how? and their communities. I am inspired like like or by? these lawyers, and I look forward to the day when I can contribute my legal skills to important organizations like so many others before me. . Obvs fix the period that's just chillin in the middle of nowhere Many public interest groups, like PADS, need advocates. The impact I can make while making breakfast, cleaning my Your shelter? the shelter shelter, and giving the guests guests? uhh, I'd pick a different word "needy" or something food to take before they leave only makes a small difference. Their lives are still filled with uncertainty. However, if I were to become a legal advocate I could make a substantial impact on others lives. I have seen it done by others, and I too would like to offer my time and knowledge. I would like to advocate for disadvantaged youth, the homeless, and those losing their homes. A law degree would allow me to work in various fields, omit that comma and assist many. PADS, like many other organizations of this nature, requires the work of lawyers and others within civil society to promote their causes. These programs are vital, and my participation in them as a lawyer - you already participate in them would both develop my skills as a lawyer and continue my growth as a person.


That's only grammatical since that's what you asked for. Let me know if you want me to remove quotes from post - PM me.




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