(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Which one?

Option 1
Option 2
No votes
Total votes: 3

Anonymous User
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Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 06, 2012 4:13 pm

Thanks everyone for your comments!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 07, 2012 6:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Yale 250

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 06, 2012 5:16 pm

I don't like either because neither shows any profound insights or brilliant creativity or anything close to either goal. Both are nice, simple observation pieces about experiences in your life.
On the positive side, both evidence hard work & competent writing skills.

In the first essay, I was hoping for more; especially after the line "I know nothing about artistic expression..." which was an opening to tie together artistic expression with your theme of autistic expression.

The second piece contains unsupported conclusions which, in my opinion, undermine your credibility. "...inevitably shaping the history of constitutional theory" is an example. True or not, you need to prove your statement in your essay. The last two sentences of the third paragraph serve as additional examples. Also, not sure I buy into your concluding statement.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Nov 06, 2012 5:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Yale 250

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 06, 2012 5:29 pm

In my opinion, both are solid starts in need of some shining insights or creative perspectives.

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Re: Yale 250

Postby NightmanCometh » Tue Nov 06, 2012 6:16 pm

A few comments:

1. The 250#1 lacks a punchline. As a 250, there has to be some a-ha moment, a message or revealing insight. You share your general story well, but fail to make any connections from this story to something larger, which is what I think successful 250s are supposed to do (reading from examples). Perhaps if you tied this in to your beliefs on special education in America or treated the drawing as a symbol of some sort, etc, would be more on the right track. Try to write about something deeper than the story itself.

2. Reading the successful examples of 250s in other threads, many of the ones from accepted students seem to be more academic and intellectual in nature. It seems to me that the personal statement is the place to tell admissions who you are, but the 250 seems to be a way to show them how/what you think. I think content is a notch more important than style. I think you can go a bit deeper with 250#2 and spend more time really making sure you know what you are talking about. Don't be afraid to make it stylistically more simple if you need more space for your important ideas. For example, you can scrap the first two sentences and make it into one short phrase before talking about the significance of the case to you.

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Re: Yale 250

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 06, 2012 6:38 pm

Interesting comments by Nightman-Cometh. Although I agree for the most part, it also shows how differently different readers can react to portions of a writing. In my opinion, the first two sentences of the second Yale 250 should remain intact.

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Re: Yale 250

Postby pahuber2 » Wed Nov 07, 2012 11:59 am

I will echo what other posters have said -- #1 needs an 'aha'! Your second paragraph has a lot of power. Try and mimic that power in your closing remarks, find closure that will neatly and succinctly bring the story to a stopping point.

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