thanks

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

thanks

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:06 pm

.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 07, 2012 1:18 am, edited 4 times in total.

mmbt123
Posts: 94
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:47 am

Re: Diversity statement - please critique

Postby mmbt123 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:19 pm

I really enjoyed reading this, and it had my full attn throughout the essay!

Anonymous User
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Re: statement - brutality is kindness

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 06, 2012 11:34 pm

thanks, mmbt123.

can anyone else offer some advice?

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fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Re: statement - brutality is kindness

Postby fruitoftheloom » Tue Nov 06, 2012 11:49 pm

I think overall the statement is good. Is this your personal or diversity statement?

Some grammar tips:

Still went to friends parties and talked about movies and shows with them, but as we all got older, I started to be made aware that I wasn’t like them.


The first part is a fragment, you need a subject "we" or "I".

It took me years of self-exploration to write of those who would try and diminish me, so that I could fully accept that I didn’t have to chose an identity.


I REALLY like this paragraph, but I'm not sure that I would make it only "write". Maybe accept/discuss, something like that?

I thought I had, through self-exploration, moved past that need, but I guess I had been wrong.


I don't like this part. I feel like you can just end it before this because when I read this I thnk you need outside validation and might be emotionally needy.

OVERALL - I really like your statement. I think it's good and only needs minor revisions.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: statement - brutality is kindness

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:00 am

thanks, fruitoftheloom!
It's my diversity statement. I agree that the ending is weird. I wanted to end without that, but I tried to force an "ending" onto it.
I have this weird tendency to randomly omit personal pronouns, 'I' in particular. I'll comb back over it and make sure I didn't miss any others.

Any more critique is more than welcome!

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fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Re: statement - brutality is kindness

Postby fruitoftheloom » Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:41 am

There support itself was a tacit acknowledgement that there was merit to who I was.


wrong their.

ALSO - just FYI - I like this a LOT as a diversity statement. I was slightly scared of it as a personal statement :)




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