(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Postby weye » Mon Nov 05, 2012 7:24 pm

Last edited by weye on Tue Nov 06, 2012 8:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Sports PS for Berk; Critique is Welcome

Postby fruitoftheloom » Mon Nov 05, 2012 10:44 pm

I think this is a great personal statement.

My decision to study with the xxx in Johannesburg was motivated by my desire to both delve further into the subject matter and row at the University of the xxx, a serious contender for the national championship. Upon arrival, I began studying a multidisciplinary curriculum analyzing human rights through a philosophical, psychosocial, and legal lens. Though academically stimulated, it did not take much time (nor an oar in my hands) to realize that rights in theory do little to protect the indigent from very real hardships. To reconcile this, I began my work with xxx, a local NGO seeking to demystify the law to vulnerable populations. Through conducting educational workshops on post-release employment opportunities to inmates in Johannesburg Public Prison and facilitating Zimbabwean asylum seekers’ acclimation to South African society through research and instruction on relevant refugee law, I found myself bridging the gap between rights theory and practice.

My only critique is that I am not super sure here exactly what you did to "bridge the gap"? I don't know though if you have the space to elaborate on this or if you address it in your resume.

seriously though - one of the best statements I've read on TLS.

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Re: Sports PS for Berk; Critique is Welcome

Postby NightmanCometh » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:10 pm

I agree, this is amazing. No substantive comments, maybe just reread it a couple more times to comb for small errors.

And this is exactly the type of student I think Berkeley is looking for. Good work.

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Re: Sports PS for Berk; Critique is Welcome

Postby kwais » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:30 pm

I agree that this is quite good.
Just a few tweaks are needed from my perspective.
I usually cringe when I see an author namedropped, especially a philosopher. It always comes off like a name drop, never necessary for the reader.
Somewhere around halfway through, it starts to get repetitive. Too much of the second half develops the same set of ideas. I think you could tighten and shorten the discussion of human rights. Make a point, move on, don't revisit.

but really nice writing. your analogy, which is often a landmine in PSs, is well done.

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