Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby skri65 » Mon Nov 05, 2012 12:29 pm

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Last edited by skri65 on Thu Nov 08, 2012 2:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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txdude45
Posts: 912
Joined: Mon May 21, 2012 6:25 pm

Re: Final Draft

Postby txdude45 » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:15 pm

pm'd you

skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Re: Final Draft

Postby skri65 » Mon Nov 05, 2012 5:47 pm

Thanks for the tips. Will take more advice if necessary.

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fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Re: Final Draft

Postby fruitoftheloom » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:03 pm

skri65 wrote:Getting closer to final draft...any thoughts appreciated.
While my fascination with computers continued throughout my undergraduate years, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at **** University. This decision turned out for the best, as I was able to develop qualitative analytical skills that I lacked. I grew up with brothers and parents who discussed political and social issues often, with the conversation ebbing and flowing in good-spirited debate. Whether it was through writing moot court briefs, making oral arguments, or engaging in the Socratic method, studying Criminal Justice helped me cultivate organized and reasoned arguments as well. These experiences not only put into perspective my family’s spirited dinner conversations, but they also aided me as a research analyst at **** LLC during my senior year. For example, I produced well-researched analysis exploring the rapid growth of environmentally friendly patents in Europe and Asia, thus receiving high praise from superiors.


I like your statement. I think this paragraph is the only one that needs revision. I would omit the part about brothers and parents.. but I would do that mostly because otherwise it seems like you should have already developed the skills you're describing. I also don't really like the phrase "thus receiving high praise from superiors".. I can't really describe why though. I think it might be better if you explain how you used your qualitative skills in your position at the LLC?

Hope this helps!

skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Re: Final Draft

Postby skri65 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:34 pm

Thanks for the tips so far! Any other suggestions? Is this worth sending out?

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:29 pm

Do not send this out as written. You need to proofread your use of commas & to express your thoughts in a more succinct manner. But this is close to being a final draft.

P.S. "...To effect real change.", not "affect real change".

skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Re: Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby skri65 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:41 pm

Thanks. You are right about the commas and expressing thoughts in more succinct manner. However, I was pretty sure it was "to affect real change." Are you sure it is "effect real change"? I believe effect is a noun.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:55 pm

Depends upon your intended message---whether it is "to bring about change" or "to impact change already brought about".

P.S. Yes, I'm sure. :) An exception in the usage of "effect" is "to bring about".

NightmanCometh
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 9:03 pm

Re: Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby NightmanCometh » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:59 pm

Agree with Canadian Wolf- I have seen and personally used "effect changes" many, many times. 100% correct.

skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Re: Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby skri65 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 3:17 pm

Thanks for clearing that up. Learned something new, there.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Final Draft? Close? Let me know.

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 06, 2012 3:25 pm

I voted today. Only paper ballots were available. After filling in my choices, I was required to place my completed ballot into a machine that looked suspiciously like a paper shredder. Assuming my suspicion is correct, my attempt to effect change was affected by their paper shredder.




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