Second Draft - Need Opinions

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Second Draft - Need Opinions

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Nov 05, 2012 1:46 am

Finished with apps in. Thanks to everyone who commented!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:08 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Cicero76
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Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2012 9:41 pm

Re: Second Draft - Need Opinions

Postby Cicero76 » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:09 am

The fourth and fifth paragraphs need some work. "The best being livable" is an awkward construction, as is "the three of them all 'turned out' to have mental problems"--"turned out" is a colloquialism. Bad idea for a PS. In the last sentence, I would change "my answer to that question would be no." to simply Could I really blame them for how they turned out? In time, my answer became no.

The fifth paragraph just doesn't grab me. It seems less relevant than the rest of the statement and very bland.

Other than that, this provides a solid reason you want to go to law school, and that's a good thing.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273146
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Second Draft - Need Opinions

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:20 pm

Cicero76 wrote:The fourth and fifth paragraphs need some work. "The best being livable" is an awkward construction, as is "the three of them all 'turned out' to have mental problems"--"turned out" is a colloquialism. Bad idea for a PS. In the last sentence, I would change "my answer to that question would be no." to simply Could I really blame them for how they turned out? In time, my answer became no.

The fifth paragraph just doesn't grab me. It seems less relevant than the rest of the statement and very bland.

Other than that, this provides a solid reason you want to go to law school, and that's a good thing.


The changes you suggested I make to the 4th paragraph have been done. As far as the 5th paragraph, some people have said that it is too political/controversial, you say it is too bland, and others seem to like it fine. I need more of an objective assessment of whether or not the content is something that I should stick with. The purpose of that paragraph isn't to argue for my preference on drug laws, it's to show intellectual growth as a result of my experience with my parents. I'm not sure I can do that without identifying the beliefs that changed. Would you have some suggestion as to how to rework it?

Thanks for commenting, by the way :)




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