Please Critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
h2opolo
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 1:11 am

Please Critique!

Postby h2opolo » Sun Nov 04, 2012 6:06 pm

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Last edited by h2opolo on Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Please Critique!

Postby totalmajor » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:15 pm

I would add something about how the law school you're applying to will help you with so and so

NightmanCometh
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 9:03 pm

Re: Please Critique!

Postby NightmanCometh » Mon Nov 05, 2012 1:09 am

It's not badly written by any means, but...why do you want to got to law school?? Although in many cases you don't necessarily need to explicitly state the reasons, even tangentially this personal statement fails to convince me why you want to go to law school/become a lawyer. As it stands, this would be a great cover letter for a position as a top water polo coach or something, but tells me absolutely nothing about your interest in the law.

Could you perhaps expand upon the "injustice" you described in the first few paragraphs, and somehow connect that into your motivation to become a lawyer? Maybe explain how the justice was reached, and if you had an active role in how it was reached?

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thelawschoolproject
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:58 am

Re: Please Critique!

Postby thelawschoolproject » Mon Nov 05, 2012 1:16 am

OP, so here are some thoughts . . .

1). Something about your PS seems flat to me. It doesn't seem very personal. In fact the tone in some places might not be so great. For example, when you mention your hs coach it's easy to see that you're still pretty angered by that situation. The problem that I have when reading it is that I don't know you. I don't know the situation. I don't know your coach, and the way that it's written comes across like you're a victim to his madness. The problem, though, is that most academics will look at that skeptically because it isn't normally the case that a coach/teacher, for no reason at all, does something like that to a student. I think that section could benefit from some re-writing.

2). I'm not really brought into your story about water-polo. You were kicked off the team your senior year (which seems to be the bad part) but I don't know why that happened. Is there a good story there? Only you know. But then you manage to make a college team, but I have no idea how that ended up happening. It seems that the drama in your PS is (1) kicked off, won't make college team and (2) struggle to make college team. But, I never see that struggle. You literally have three sentences from the time your kicked off to when you're the captain your sophomore year. I feel like that interim section should be...the bulk of your PS, otherwise you're just kind of telling us about how great you are at water polo.

3). Why would this have been a "life-altering" event? Did you need the water polo scholarship to attend college? If so, that'd be good information to add. Any other information you can give us to let the audience know the stakes of the situation will help make your situation seem more serious and less juvenile, which I think is a real concern.

4). This is probably the most important: I really think your PS could benefit greatly from more "personal" information. I don't feel like I get a sense of who you are. In fact, the only "emotion" I get from this is that you're pissed at your hs coach and that you felt really wronged by that. And while I'm sure that's justified, your PS to law school needs to project more than that. At the end of your PS you say you overcame adversity, but you never show us how you did that. It's vital that we see how you overcame this challenge.

Good luck.

h2opolo
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 1:11 am

Re: Please Critique!

Postby h2opolo » Mon Nov 05, 2012 2:31 pm

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

These are all good critiques. I rewrote it and am editing it right now. I'll post it a little later on.

I appreciate the advise. It's nice having knowledgeable strangers look it over rather than family, friends, and Professors/Faculty. Thank you again!

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please Critique!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:01 pm

Why were you dismissed from your high school water polo team during your senior season ? Sounds serious & raises a significant question about your past. Illegal drug use, cheating on exams or ???? Also raises an issue regarding vindictiveness: Was your dad able to get the coach fired in retaliation for dismissing you from the team ?

The final paragraph of your PS is a boiler-plate concluding statement that offers little to no insight into you & your development.

In my opinion, this PS, as written, might harm your chances for admission to any competitive law school.

h2opolo
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 1:11 am

Re: Please Critique!

Postby h2opolo » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:29 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Why were you dismissed from your high school water polo team during your senior season ?


Is it not clear that it was unjustifiable? (Not being a dick, seriously curious.)

TBH it was most likely a power trip but it was eventually revealed he had no reason. He was fired and joined the peace corps, dropped out, moved to Asia and is now homeless. No vindictiveness, just a crazy individual. I figured his life story should not be the basis of MY personal statement.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please Critique!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:33 pm

No, it is not clear as to whether or not your removal from the team was justified.

It is, however, clear that you believe that it was an unjustified action, but experience has taught me that there are always three sides to every story: Yours, his & the truth.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: Please Critique!

Postby thelawschoolproject » Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:32 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:No, it is not clear as to whether or not your removal from the team was justified.

It is, however, clear that you believe that it was an unjustified action, but experience has taught me that there are always three sides to every story: Yours, his & the truth.



Completely agree with this.

h2opolo
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 1:11 am

Re: Please Critique!

Postby h2opolo » Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:57 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:there are always three sides to every story: Yours, his & the truth.


Love this. Haha

I'm working diligently to improve on clarifying this! Thanks for the advise, very helpful.




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