Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Volforlife
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:22 pm

Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

Postby Volforlife » Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:05 pm

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Last edited by Volforlife on Sat May 04, 2013 7:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Volforlife
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:22 pm

Re: Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

Postby Volforlife » Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:30 am

Pretty please? I'll do swaps, too

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:45 am

DELETE: The word "indeed".

Your final paragraph is a mess.

Also, the verb tense in your concluding paragraph is incorrect.

Overall, this is a poorly written law school PS that offers little to no insights to the reader.

Brody
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:23 am

Re: Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

Postby Brody » Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:53 am

I like the PS overall and particularly the Christmas story. I think, however, it could be made even more powerful if you disclose the fact that your family was "flat broke" (maybe in slightly different words) at the end of the paragraph. Maybe expand your description of Christmas postponement by one or two more sentences, then end with the real reason for not being able to celebrate Christmas that year. That will give the reader some reward. You can then go into your grandfather's death and the reasons for financial hardship in the next paragraph and discuss how your community helped to bring Christmas to you and your family.

I would also highlight some concrete accomplishments you have had with your community involvement. Possibly a short anecdote or interaction you have had with a youth who you saw as similar to you and your family? That would cement the tie between the assistance you received from your community at Christmas and wanting to give back.

I would somehow tie in the Christmas story at the end of your PS. Though, make sure to be careful, because in doing so you run the risk of ending your essay with a "Christmas miracle" allusion that comes off as cheesy. Again, if done well (which you can certainly do!), this would further relate the connection between being helped by community and wanting to give back.

As far as mechanics go, I would strengthen the language. For instance, in your very first sentence you write "I remember being...". "Being" is rather passive. You could simply say "I was five years old,..." to make it more active.

Other than that, I think this PS has some good writing and I can certainly see what you are doing with each paragraph. And, of course, these are merely my suggestions.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:56 am

CHANGE: "I didn't come to understand..." to "I didn't understand...", for example. Again, the final paragraph verb tenses are a mess.

Volforlife
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:22 pm

Re: Personal Statement crunch time. Thoughts/edits appreciated.

Postby Volforlife » Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:29 pm

Thank you both so much




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