A good start?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273311
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

A good start?

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 03, 2012 9:59 pm

I'm kinda lost here and hoping someone could give me some feedback??



"I was raised in Harrisburg, a modest rural town down in the southeastern corner of Illinois. My experiences throughout my upbringing have made me into the man and student I have become today. I was raised in an unstable household; my family was constantly moving and facing financial difficulties. My mother was a single mom trying to raise three kids and hold down a job, sometimes two or three. With my mother gone so much for work and me being the only male in the household my sisters looked up to me which is odd considering I’m their little brother. I felt the obligation from a very early age to be the “man of the house” for both my mom and my two sisters. Through this mind set I was able to develop a work ethic stronger than most young men you will meet today. I took on most of the chores around the house and when I reached the age to start working I did so immediately. I would take any job I could find to help support my mom and sisters. I have helped build homes, laid concrete foundations, installed plumbing, pushed shopping carts and through it all remained in school. I became the first member of my family to graduate with a high school diploma and I strongly believe this is because of my failure to accept anything less than what I have worked for. At the time my high school graduation was not the completion of my first step towards a higher education but instead to me it was a dream come true. To think that now I sit here months away from being the first in my family to graduate college makes me wonder when I’m going to wake up"

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paratactical
Posts: 5961
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:06 pm

Re: A good start?

Postby paratactical » Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:06 pm

You need to get rid of the passive voice. Start there and it might help you continue.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273311
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: A good start?

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:17 pm

Can you help me understand what that means exactly?

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paratactical
Posts: 5961
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:06 pm

Re: A good start?

Postby paratactical » Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:21 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Can you help me understand what that means exactly?

:|

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=passive+voice

Volforlife
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:22 pm

Re: A good start?

Postby Volforlife » Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:01 pm

Hello fellow Illinois homer. PM me and lets swap statements.




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