first post, any comments would be appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
aresdude
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Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 2:36 pm

first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby aresdude » Fri Nov 02, 2012 2:49 am

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Last edited by aresdude on Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

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VeeD101
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Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:49 pm

Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby VeeD101 » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:59 am

I like it. The very first line invites the reader to keep reading because one is completely intrigued by what you could possibly mean. THe story evolves and is connected nicely to you combining two of your passions.

I would suggest you proof read for grammar but other than that its a solid submission IMO.

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bitsy
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Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby bitsy » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:40 pm

Ares-- This is a great topic, and I really get a sense of your desires and background. It's perfectly tailored for Cardozo, and there's logical flow to your ideas.

Since there's hardly anything wrong, I tried to be super-nitpicky; I hope you don't mind.

There is some verbosity that's getting in the way of the message.
-"Even though I was entering what is known as the most difficult semester for electrical engineering at my school, I couldn't pass up the opportunity."
-Could be whittled down to: "Even though I was entering the most difficult semester for electrical engineering at my school, I couldn't pass up the opportunity."

There are some areas where you could use synonyms, because the word choice is repetitive.
-To my surprise, he offered to teach me patent law in an independent study course. I thought, 'What an opportunity!'
-Wolf offered me an opportunity

If you're quoting a person, use these --> " (quotation marks), not these--> ' (apostrophes).

Your PPA is an awesome chance to explain your knowledge of the law in concrete terms. You could probably insert a short summary to make the example pop.

You might lump all your family influences together. In the first paragraph, we get the story of your dad, and then in the seventh, your siblings'. Neither are bad, but going from a discussion of your dad, to your interests, then to your brother and sister, and then back to you-- it's a winding path.


Hope this helps! Best of luck.

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Cobretti
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Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby Cobretti » Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:52 pm

Ares this is very well thought out. You come across as more self-aware of why you want to pursue a law degree than probably any PS I've read. I don't tend to make meaningful grammatical changes... and nothing stood out to me anyway; so I'll just say this is extremely compelling and will absolutely give you the chance to out perform your numbers a little.

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PickledPanda
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Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby PickledPanda » Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:58 pm

mrizza wrote:Ares this is very well thought out. You come across as more self-aware of why you want to pursue a law degree than probably any PS I've read. I don't tend to make meaningful grammatical changes... and nothing stood out to me anyway; so I'll just say this is extremely compelling and will absolutely give you the chance to out perform your numbers a little.


Well done.

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HawkeyeGirl
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Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby HawkeyeGirl » Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:30 pm

I really like it Ares, good luck!!

ajr
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Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby ajr » Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:34 pm

Not sure what that part about the quip between your parents plays?

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Cobretti
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Re: first post, any comments would be appreciated

Postby Cobretti » Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:39 pm

ajr wrote:Not sure what that part about the quip between your parents plays?


Its the kind of quip that a transactional lawyer would laugh at, I think it plays.




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