Help! Must submit PS at midnight, proofreader unavailable

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Help! Must submit PS at midnight, proofreader unavailable

Postby Stormageddon » Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:50 pm

So I have a bunch of versions I'm working on with this (but one is due tonight) and my main proofreader is out of internet :shock:
Please have a look if possible. Won't have a chance to do major surgery today but I could utilize more in depth comments on my other versions. Thank you so much! (I owe ya one)


As I sat on a plane to Japan in June 2008, I was unsure of so many things. What would I study and where? What was I doing on a trip with nine top players from golf powerhouses? We had been selected to represent our schools on the NCAA Golf All-Star Asia Tour, but I was no longer an Oregon Duck due to a (possibly) career ending injury. I felt like an impostor! Yet when I learned that our aim was to be goodwill ambassadors and to promote women in sports, I was more confident about having been selected. I was chosen by my team to be the Master of Ceremonies at post-tournament events where I used one-line jokes in Japanese, Korean, Cantonese, and Mandarin to break the ice. I seized every chance to learn from the people I met: international business leaders such as the co-founder of DHL International Ltd., Po Chung, who spoke passionately about ethics in business; US military personnel; foreign officials and Japanese collegiate golfers.

After my return from Asia, newfound confidence allowed me to build a new life. At the University of Nevada, Reno I declared a Philosophy Major and made the golf team. An earlier class, Philosophy of Law, had sparked my interest in the legal profession; I relished crafting arguments on BOTH SIDES of hypothetical cases. I joined the pre-law chapter of Phi Alpha Delta Law Fraternity International (P.A.D.) and was elected chapter Secretary. Later, as President, my mission was to marshal resources to enable students to make informed decisions about law school and how to get there. I organized a personal statement workshop with the UNR Writing Center, led the UNR delegation to the P.A.D. National Pre-Law conference in Washington DC, brought in guest speakers, and coordinated recruiting opportunities including an online webinar for law school admissions representatives. I chose to study philosophy because it would best prepare me for law school by encouraging me to read critically, reason logically, and understand widely varying theories. This rigorous course of study brought out my best (five of six terms on the Dean's List and a 4.0 GPA in each of the last three). My most intriguing courses dealt with legality and ethics. In Ethical Theory: Global Justice, I was introduced to the fascinating interplay (sometimes contradiction) between Feminism and Multiculturalism in international policy and legal interpretation.

I began to strongly consider a career in immigration law after having watched close friends, struggling to keep their family together, as the mother and sons faced deportation to Honduras. After graduation, my travels in Europe placed my undergraduate knowledge in a real world context. What I observed there inspired my dream: to effect change in the policies impacting immigrants and other vulnerable communities. In Paris, immigrant youths (Arab and African), displaced by war and lack of economic opportunity, spread wares on sidewalks only to flee at the call, “les flics” (the police). In Madrid and Barcelona, I visited historic squares occupied by young Indignados (indignant ones), signs aloft, proclaiming, “No somos antisistema, el sistema es antinosotros” (we are not against the system, the system is against us). To gain insight into the events playing out around me, I drew on my Spanish skills together with what I had learned in Ethical Theory about economic and social justice. In John Michner’s Iberia, he tells how young Spaniards, in order to escape poverty in the Franco years, were forced to emigrate leaving whole areas of Spain filled with only the elderly. Today’s young people, accustomed to a post-Franco Spain rich with opportunity, have seen their dreams evaporate. Once again, the young must leave Spain to find work in countries such as Norway. Arriving back in the U.S., I watched our own indignados occupying Wall Street as the ‘Arab Spring’ was gathering steam.

I now work in the XXXX security industry for a small XXXX company with domestic and international operations. As part of my job, I use the research and reasoning techniques I had developed in philosophy courses to write interpretations of new regulations and to draft protocols for complying with federal security programs. One such protocol was posted on the homepage of a government security agency. Whether my company is struggling to receive approval from the Saudi Arabian Ministry of Interior to import fingerprinting ink or assisting alien XXXX students awaiting government clearance to train in the U.S., my work has given me insight into how global issues affect businesses and individuals’ careers.

XXXXX Law has several programs that I find particularly interesting: the Immigration Clinic, the Transnational Worker Rights Clinic and the joint JD and Licenciatura en Derecho program. The interdisciplinary resources and the global approach at XXXXX will allow me to use my interest in international policy and law to work for positive change. I have come a long way since the flight to Japan. The uncertainty and opportunity I experienced in Asia helped me to rediscover who I am: someone who is confident and motivated, who seizes every opportunity to grow and embraces challenges. I hope to contribute my broad worldview and intellectual curiosity to the entering class of the XXXXX School of Law.
Last edited by Stormageddon on Fri Nov 30, 2012 5:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Help! Must submit PS at midnight, proofreader unavailable

Postby worldtraveler » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:37 am

This reads more like a resume than a PS. What is your overall goal? What are you trying to get across to anyone who would read this? I seriously have no idea where you are going here.

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