please look at this statement - does it flow??

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misstrouble
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Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:42 pm

please look at this statement - does it flow??

Postby misstrouble » Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:29 pm

“If you don’t cooperate and tell me what I want to know, I can put you through other types of testing,” the large, middle aged security officer said threateningly, and pulled on a glove for emphasis. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a severe bun. The threat was completely unnecessary because I was already bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t say much of anything because I couldn’t catch my breath. It had been hours since we got off the plane from Mexico, where my friends and I had been vacationing. The thought of a cavity search made me cry harder.

The reason she had for detaining me and not letting my friends approach under threat of arrest is she either believed that I was an underage prostitute or a mule. What got any of these ideas into her head still baffles me, but this was not the only time I have been discriminated against because of my nationality. The problem is, few people believe that I have been a victim of discrimination as I am a white female. With a Russian passport.

This scenario affected me significantly. Not only did I learn that discrimination existed where I lived, it reminded me for the second time that human rights are not innate and can be taken away. The first time was a year prior to this incident, when I was forbidden from leaving Russia after a short visit to my extended family. I was informed that until I turned eighteen that I had no human rights whatsoever. I was finally released from Russia on the condition of a notarized letter from my parents. I had to wait for my parents to arrive from another part of the country for this and the feeling that I had as I waited is difficult to describe. It was similar to the feeling you get when the rollercoaster begins to descend and your stomach feels as if it disappeared into your mouth. It was fear, the sort of fear you get when you know you are at the mercy of others. My parents thought it would be funny to tell me they would not cooperate. This was the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me; it felt like my breath was knocked out. As soon as I got back to Canada I moved out and did not speak to them for a year. I don’t want to sound mean – that is just the effect that helplessness and fear can have on you.

I have a Canadian passport now, and I have not been detained at an airport since. However, the passport still has a spot where it states that I was born in Russia. Either way, I am older now and think that I might be more resourceful if I was placed in a situation like that again. Likely the law would protect me, but maybe it would not. In any case, there would have to be someone more knowledgeable in legal studies than me to stand up for the skinny, crying, scared seventeen year old girl who is afraid that she will be deported, though she has done nothing wrong.

This is why I want to attend law school. I want to become that person who can stand up for human rights of people who can’t stand up for themselves. I’d like no one to be able to understand to that fear I once felt. Idealistic dreams, sure – but progress worth fighting for.

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worldtraveler
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Re: please look at this statement - does it flow??

Postby worldtraveler » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:40 am

This is a lot on a story of a specific incident and not a lot about you or any substance. All I know from this is you are Russian and once got detained by security. Get more into how this experience drives you and what lessons you take away from it and less on the actual incident.

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VeeD101
Posts: 333
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:49 pm

Re: please look at this statement - does it flow??

Postby VeeD101 » Sat Nov 03, 2012 2:43 am

I think this PS needs a lot more work. Your story has a lot of potential in it but you have to bring more of yourself into it. Give us more than just a very brief narrative of what happened at the airport.

misstrouble wrote:“If you don’t cooperate and tell me what I want to know, I can put you through other types of testing other types of testing? can you play with the wording to make this better?,” the large, middle aged security officer said threateningly, and pulled pulling on a glove for emphasis. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a severe bun. The threat was completely unnecessary because I was already bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t say much of anything because I couldn’t try not using couldn't twice in this sentence catch my breath. It had been hours since we got off the plane from Mexico, where my friends and I had been vacationing. The thought of a cavity search made me cry harder.

The reason she had for detaining me and not letting my friends approach under threat of arrest is she either believed that I was an underage prostitute or a muleChange this to the reason for my detention ..... What got any of these ideas into her head still baffles me, but this was not the only time I have your tenses are moving around too much...this was not the only time I have been... been discriminated against because of my nationality. The problem is, few people believe that I have been a victim of discrimination as I am a white female. With a Russian passport. I know you're trying to create a dramatic effect here but it is coming off as abrupt rather than dramatic. Play around with these last two lines to make them work

This scenario incident affected me significantly. Not only did I learn that discrimination existed where I lived, it reminded me for the second time that human rights are again tenses, if you use reminded you shouldn't use are not innate and can could be taken away. The first time was a year prior to this incident, when I was forbidden from leaving Russia after a short visit to my extended family. I was informed that until I turned eighteenthat I had no human rights explain how not getting to leave translated into having no human rights. Tell us more about what happened to you. whatsoever. I was finally released from Russia on the condition of a notarized letter from my parents. I had to wait for my parents to arrive from another part of the country for this and the feeling that I had as I waited is difficult to describe. It was similar to the feeling you get when the rollercoaster begins to descend and your stomach feels as if it disappeared into your mouth. It was fear, the sort of fear you get when you know you are at the mercy of others. My parents thought it would be funny to tell me they would not cooperate. This was the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me; it felt like my breath was knocked out. As soon as I got back to Canada I moved out and did not speak to them for a year. I don’t want to sound mean – that is just the effect that helplessness and fear can have on you. I'm sorry this happened to you. But this just doesn't work. Unless you give us more detail, all we know is that your parents played a silly joke on you for a second and you didn't speak to them for a year. Give us more context or take it out.

I have a Canadian passport now, and I have not been detained at an airport since. However, the passport still has a spot where it states that I was born in Russia. Either way Don't dismiss your previous sentence by saying either way, I am older now and think that I might be more resourceful if I was placed in a situation like that again. Likely the law would protect me, but maybe it would not. In any case, there would have to be someone more knowledgeable in legal studies than me change this. it sounds as if you are writing a recommendation for someone else to go to aw school to protect you to stand up for the skinny, crying, scared seventeen year old girl who is afraid that she will be deported, though she has done nothing wrong this is good. It gives us more about who you were and how you felt..

This is why I want to attend law school. I want to become that person who can stand up for human rights of people who can’t stand up for themselves. I’d like no one to be able to understand to that fear I once felt. Idealistic dreams, sure – but progress worth fighting for.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: please look at this statement - does it flow??

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:57 am

In my opinion, this a very effective law school personal statement. While some minor adjustments may be warranted, the sincerity & originality of your writing should help substantially your law school applications.

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Gradvocates Editing
Posts: 36
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:22 pm

Re: please look at this statement - does it flow??

Postby Gradvocates Editing » Sat Nov 03, 2012 3:00 pm

worldtraveler wrote:This is a lot on a story of a specific incident and not a lot about you or any substance. All I know from this is you are Russian and once got detained by security. Get more into how this experience drives you and what lessons you take away from it and less on the actual incident.


We second this. This personal statement says very little about you as a law-school applicant.




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