Help with sentence

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Help with sentence

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:18 pm

This is an awkward sentence and I need to change it up. Any edits are much appreciated.

I was always yelled at and told I was a bad child. There was even a time when I was thrown across my bedroom, tossed outside, without clothes on, to freeze in the cold XX winter.

josemnz83
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:19 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby josemnz83 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:37 pm

Jredelman15 wrote:This is an awkward sentence and I need to change it up. Any edits are much appreciated.

I was always yelled at and told I was a bad child. There was even a time when I was thrown across my bedroom, tossed outside, without clothes on, to freeze in the cold XX winter.


Writing is passive. Try this.

People (or he/she) always yelled at me. Claiming that I was a bad child, they (or he/she) threw me across my bedroom and tossed me outside without any clothes to freeze in the cold xx winter.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:13 pm

CONSIDER: As a child, I was the target of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Those who were supposed to protect me and nurture me instead chose to yell at me and belittle me. I was told that I was a bad child. Once I was thrown across a room and then put out into the freezing cold without clothes. I think, therefore, that I am well prepared to endure the Socratic Method of teaching.

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:21 pm

Thanks guys really appreciate the input. Trying to finish up my PS for submission tmrrw.

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PDaddy
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Re: Help with sentence

Postby PDaddy » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:34 pm

Jredelman15 wrote:This is an awkward sentence and I need to change it up. Any edits are much appreciated.

I was always yelled at and told I was a bad child. There was even a time when I was thrown across my bedroom, tossed outside, without clothes on, to freeze in the cold XX winter.


First, your sentences are written in "passive voice". Use active voice whenever possible. instead of, "I was hit by a ball", say "A ball hit me." It not only saves words, it reads much more fluidly.

Try the following:

"[XYZ Person/People] consistently yelled at me and said that I was a bad child."

Note: To a critical reader, "always" either literally means always or comes across as whiny.

"On one occasion, [XYZ Person/People] threw me across my bedroom and tossed me outside with no clothes on, leaving me to freeze in the [XYZ City] winter cold."

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:48 pm

It's difficult to rephrase or rewrite isolated sentences. Better to revise sentences when they are presented in context, therefore, we need to see at least the entire paragraph in which these sentences appear. Grammar is only one piece of the puzzle.

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:00 pm

Upon reflection of my conversation with the sexual assault victim, I realized why I decided to help. I identified with him. During my younger years I was a troubled child. My family did not know what was wrong with me, and they thought I did not respect authority. I was regularly told I was a disappointment and an outcast. They did not know for some time I had ADHD and only needed extra time to play and express myself. As a child, I was the target of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Those who were supposed to protect and nurture me, instead chose to yell and belittle. I was told that I was a bad child. Once I was thrown across a room and put out into the freezing cold without clothes.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:02 pm

Doesn't work well in this context. Your original version fits better than my suggested revision. You need to keep your voice to ensure continuity & to show sincerity.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:03 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Doesn't work well in this context.


What would you recommend?

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:05 pm

Jredelman15 wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Doesn't work well in this context.


What would you recommend?


Upon reflection of my conversation with the sexual assault victim, I realized why I decided to help. I identified with him. As a child, I was the target of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Those who were supposed to protect and nurture me, instead chose to yell and belittle. I was constantly told I was a disappointment and an outcast. They did not know for some time I had ADHD and only needed extra time to play and express myself. I was told that I was a bad child. Once I was thrown across a room and put out into the freezing cold without clothes.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:08 pm

Unfortunately, I have to go now. But I found your posted PS in another thread. While it needs to be revised & refined, there is an overwhelming sense of sincerity & emotional detachment that paints you as a real person who has endured & survived substantial hardships. I'll try to offer an alternative in the morning, but other posters should be able to help now that the full paragraph is shown.

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Help with sentence

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:12 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Unfortunately, I have to go now. But I found your posted PS in another thread. While it needs to be revised & refined, there is an overwhelming sense of sincerity & emotional detachment that paints you as a real person who has endured & survived substantial hardships. I'll try to offer an alternative in the morning, but other posters should be able to help now that the full paragraph is shown.


Appreciate the input. Thanks for the compliment makes me feel like I am on the right track. If it is alright I would like to send you a PM with the full draft.




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