Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Oct 30, 2012 11:58 pm

....
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sepeterson211
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby sepeterson211 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:59 am

There's too much going on here - you're talking about your job now then this experience when you were 5, then you job now again. Choose one.

Also, I'd avoid saying you wanted to be a lawyer since you were 5. From what I've heard, ad comms roll their eyes at that kind of proclamation. Plus it's either not true or you failed in some way since you first became an accountant.

Best of luck.

dkb17xzx
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby dkb17xzx » Wed Oct 31, 2012 7:15 am

...high levels of unemployment

canarykb
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby canarykb » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:55 am

I think you have a really good essay in the middle - I just don't like your intro or conclusion. I went through and deleted the parts I didn't like, and I think the statement looks pretty good now.

Growing up in India, the legal system has always been a contradiction to me. India has an impressive constitution with comprehensive laws that guarantee, among other rights, the Right to Freedom, the Right against Exploitation and the Right to Freedom of Religion. Everyday life in my home country however, is a reality that is in complete contradiction to these Rights.

[del.] On 12 March, 1993; thirteen separate bomb explosions [del.] rocked my city into a state of complete chaos. None of this meant much to me except in knowing that I couldn't go down to play that evening and was not going to go to school the next day. The only other strange thing was watching my mother anxiously looking at the watch with a tense expression on her face, but that cleared up when she saw my father get back home from work. It was later that night when I got the first real inkling that something wasn’t very wrong. We were sitting around the living room watching the news, when our neighbours, XXX and her daughter XXX, my best friend at the time, came knocking on our doors. XXX's father hadn’t come back from work yet. As it turns out, he never would.

At that time, I didn’t understand what had happened or why. After all, we were not at war and I lived in Mumbai, the Indian city of dreams, where businesses flourished, Bollywood stars were made, and people came in pursuit of a better life. Our neighbour had been killed fighting a religious war that he wasn’t even aware he was a soldier in. My friend had been left fatherless to grow up in a city where there were ten subsequent bombings in the span of the next 15 years. Without our consent, without our knowledge we were to live all our lives in what can only be called a constant state of terror and war.

The bombings shook the foundations of the city; people were angry and they wanted revenge. Unfortunately, in a densely populated city with high levels of employment, it didn't take much to excite people. It was soon determined that the attacks were a coordinated attempt by an Islamic terrorist group and the city got torn in two on the basis of religion. It didn't matter that in their rational minds people knew that the bombings had been an act of terror to incite exactly this reaction. The attack was considered a personal one and everybody wanted revenge. Overnight, a person’s religion became their only identity and this led to mass murder and violence.

An aching need for law and order was prevalent. Somebody needed to step up and take charge of this situation to stop the atrocities. By the time a sense of semblance returned to the city, too many days had elapsed. One cannot grow up in this environment and not marvel at the sheer lack of justice and fairness. We were all equal under the constitution and yet obviously we were not. [del.] I want to pursue a career that would allow me to create and enforce laws that would restore a sense of balance in people’s lives. I have spent much of my adult life putting together pieces that would help me achieve this goal.

[Insert conclusion here about your interest in law and following up on the statement "I have spent much of my adult life putting together pieces that would help me achieve this goal."]

Anonymous User
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 31, 2012 4:34 pm

Thank you so very much! I really appreciate you taking the time to change it around. I'm going to take your advice and finalize it for my Canadian submissions on Friday!

Anonymous User
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 01, 2012 11:27 am

Anybody else? Please help!

I am hoping to finalize this soon!

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worldtraveler
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby worldtraveler » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:41 am

I agree with everyone else. The middle has potential, but it looks like you took 3 different essays and shoved them together.

csexton182
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby csexton182 » Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:19 am

You definitely have a lot going for you. I think you need to pick a path and stick to it. You can go the "Fighting injustice route" and keep the days back in India in there, or you can go the "Tax law route". To me, heres what your essay looks like :

I enjoy tax law and want to practice it
I want to fight injustice because of my experiences in india
I want to practice tax law.

You have alot of good material, and alot ways you can go with this one, but choose one.

Perhaps, If I were you, I would make the first statement more of a general statement, saying something like " I enjoy interpreting the law, applying them and consulting clients etc..."

Then change the last paragraph to something more general as well.

Overall, good job. Keep working and it will come out good. post a revision sometime

Anonymous User
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:32 am

ok everyone, thank you for the input. Here is the revised draft. Please let me know if the tax stuff fits in more or needs to get out. Thanks!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

canarykb
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby canarykb » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:42 am

I think this is really good, besides the conclusion. "Of course, the problem is not that I don’t like what I do; it is that I like it too much." This doesn't make sense to me exactly, and you don't explain it.

Anonymous User
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Re: Should I tone down the drama? Does it flow? Please Help!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:53 am

Its supposed to mean that I like working with legal statutes a lot and that makes me want to go to law school more than it makes me want to stay in my current job.

I'll change it to make it clearer. Thanks!




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