Final draft. Looking for last edits.

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Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Final draft. Looking for last edits.

Postby Jredelman15 » Tue Oct 30, 2012 8:41 pm

Sitting in the secluded office, I feverishly go through documents, editing them to match proper formats, sending them to the probation office and judges before court begins. I take no time noticing the stacks of transmittals and messages that need to be answered and completed. It is 9:00 AM and my week long adventure without my supervisor is just beginning. The judges, attorneys, and all of the pending cases in the county are counting on me. Making a mistake is not an option. The lives of innocent people are at stake, homes could be lost, and victims could be devastated once more. Two hours in, the phone rings. With anticipation of who could be on the other side, I answer.

I began volunteering at the Monongalia County Victim Assistance Program during my junior year of college. It was a challenging experience. I was able to interact with people from all types of socioeconomic backgrounds and gained valuable insight into the daily proceedings of the criminal justice system. When I answered the phone that day, I spoke with a former sexual assault victim. I did not believe this conversation could lead me to change my plans of pursuing a PhD in psychology post-graduation. However, it did just that. The man told me his life story, how he was sexually assaulted for a period of five years, a childhood where he was constantly called a liar and shunned by his family. This led him on a thirty year journey struggling with flashbacks, drug abuse, and homelessness. Though it was not my job to help, he was from out of our jurisdiction; I felt a moral and personal inclination to assist. I tracked down the prosecutor, summarized our conversation, made sure the defendant could be charged, and followed up several times with the prosecutor to ensure the victim’s case was being investigated. My decision to assist enabled the man to pursue justice and hopefully obtain closure.

Upon reflection of my conversation with the sexual assault victim, I realized why I decided to help. I identified with him. As a child, I was the target of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Those who were supposed to protect and nurture me, instead chose to yell and belittle. I was constantly told I was a disappointment and an outcast. They did not know for some time I had ADHD and only needed extra time to play and express myself. I was regularly told I was a bad child. Once I was thrown across a room and put out into the freezing cold without clothes. help with the awkwardness of this paragraph

My brother later supplanted my role as the outcast. He started using drugs and strayed from his core values. During my sophomore year of college he and his “friends” were on the way back from a party. While driving home intoxicated, my brother crashed his vehicle. He was moving at a speed in excess of 80 MPH when he fell asleep and rolled his vehicle seven times. As a result of this accident he was comatose for a week. The crushing pain my family and I experienced was debilitating. I felt like a failure, I could not make him realize his mistakes before his life changed forever. I did not want anyone to feel this pain. The accident inspired me to make a positive difference in the world. From being abused, to my brother’s accident and transgressions, I was naturally inclined to assist.

After my experience at this organization I no longer felt like a failure. I found a field where I felt like I belonged. When I sought out the prosecutor and summarized my conversation with the victim, I gave someone a voice. When I assisted in bringing a person guilty of a heinous crime to justice, I made a positive difference in the world. The feeling of belonging I gained from giving a person voice and making a change, allowed me to accomplish my goal. Making one change is not enough, however. I want to pursue a career where I can consistently be a catalyst for change.

Throughout my placement I spoke with many different people. During my conversation with the prosecutor of my victim’s case I received an unsolicited piece of advice. The prosecutor cited my ability to organize details efficiently, ability to write succinctly, and passion for the letter of the law as reasons to investigate the legal profession. The psychology major’s training can be very beneficial to attorneys by requiring proficiency in public speaking, succinct writing, and research. I believe I already possess many other qualities of attorneys such as: perseverance, determination, and self-confidence. My experience with this organization as well as subsequent conversations with judges, attorneys, and victims has solidified my desire to pursue a Juris Doctor with a focus in public interests.
Last edited by Jredelman15 on Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Elshal
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Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2012 11:30 pm

Re: Final draft. Looking for last edits.

Postby Mr. Elshal » Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:36 am

About to fall asleep, so I've only read the first paragraph. Your tenses switch around. For example, "I feverishly went" and "are counting on me," "are at stake," "Is not an option".

I say stick with the present tense "I feverishly go". Let them experience the memory through your eyes, as if it is happening to them while they read. That will be more engaging. Make sure you don't switch tenses unnecessarily within the rest of the essay.

Also, the wording of the last sentence in the third paragraph is strange. More often than not, when somebody calls your office phone, you do not know who it is that is calling. You could (almost) justify this if it were used to tie the intro and conclusion together, but based on a quick skim of the essay, this phone call is never mentioned again. Not only are you creating unnecessary suspense, you are also using up space that could be used for something more valuable.

I will try to look at this again tomorrow to see if I can give more feedback but I'm in NYC and Hurricane Sandy is screwing us real bad, so it may take me longer to get back to it.

Good luck, and I hope this helps for now.

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Final draft. Looking for last edits.

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 8:58 pm

Mr. Elshal wrote:About to fall asleep, so I've only read the first paragraph. Your tenses switch around. For example, "I feverishly went" and "are counting on me," "are at stake," "Is not an option".

I say stick with the present tense "I feverishly go". Let them experience the memory through your eyes, as if it is happening to them while they read. That will be more engaging. Make sure you don't switch tenses unnecessarily within the rest of the essay.

Also, the wording of the last sentence in the third paragraph is strange. More often than not, when somebody calls your office phone, you do not know who it is that is calling. You could (almost) justify this if it were used to tie the intro and conclusion together, but based on a quick skim of the essay, this phone call is never mentioned again. Not only are you creating unnecessary suspense, you are also using up space that could be used for something more valuable.

I will try to look at this again tomorrow to see if I can give more feedback but I'm in NYC and Hurricane Sandy is screwing us real bad, so it may take me longer to get back to it.

Good luck, and I hope this helps for now.


Thank you for the tense check. I think I fixed it. The entire essay is about the phone call mentioned in the first paragraph with little personal things about myself tied in. I think I can try and tie the intro with the ending though so I really like that point. Thanks for your help and thoughts are with you and the rest of the victims.

Jredelman15
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: Final draft. Looking for last edits.

Postby Jredelman15 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:15 pm

bump for the new edit

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worldtraveler
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Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:47 am

Re: Final draft. Looking for last edits.

Postby worldtraveler » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:45 am

Get rid of the first paragraph. It adds nothing.

A lot of your phrases also just sound cliched and aren't really that descriptive.

Finally, wanting to do "public interests" will probably make people wonder what it is you're talking about.




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