can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ppl123
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can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby ppl123 » Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:37 pm

"My experiences as an intern and paralegal student have solidified my decision to attend law school and have afforded me legal experience that I believe will be beneficial to me in law school and beyond."

is this the correct use of "afford"....is it "afforded me"...."afforded to me"..."afforded me with"......or what?
HELP!!!!
thanks!

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TopHatToad
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby TopHatToad » Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:44 pm

Bit long as sentences go, but yeah "afforded me" is the best.

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Puffin
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby Puffin » Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:47 pm

and beyond makes me think of Buzz Lightyear, but "afforded me" is TCR

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franklyscarlet
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby franklyscarlet » Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:48 pm

The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.

ppl123
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby ppl123 » Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:56 pm

franklyscarlet wrote:The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.



sounds like a good suggestion. any advice for how you would change that particular sentence--out of the passive, that is?

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franklyscarlet
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby franklyscarlet » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:04 pm

ppl123 wrote:
franklyscarlet wrote:The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.



sounds like a good suggestion. any advice for how you would change that particular sentence--out of the passive, that is?


Original:
"My experiences as an intern and paralegal student have solidified my decision to attend law school and have afforded me legal experience that I believe will be beneficial to me in law school and beyond."

Active Voice:
"My experiences as an intern and paralegal student solidified my decision to attend law school and afforded me legal experience that i believe will benefit me in law school and beyond."

Still sounds convoluted and repetetive. I might simply say:

"My experience as an intern and paralegal student confirmed my interest in law and provided experience I believe will benefit me throughout my career."

This is a good summary: http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/CCS_activevoice.html

(YMMV. I'm a super picky English teacher, so others might not be as bothered by this.)

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Bronte
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby Bronte » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:05 pm

franklyscarlet wrote:The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.


This sentence is not in passive voice. It's in the past perfect tense, but it is in active voice. OP, "afforded me" is correct, but the sentence is long and a bit awkward. I suggest using past simple and breaking it up into two sentences:

"Working as an intern and paralegal solidified my decision to attend law school. It also afforded me legal experience that I believe will benefit me in law school and in practice."

The sentences still sound somewhat like fluff, but they at least read better this way.

ppl123
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby ppl123 » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:06 pm

franklyscarlet wrote:
ppl123 wrote:
franklyscarlet wrote:The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.



sounds like a good suggestion. any advice for how you would change that particular sentence--out of the passive, that is?


Original:
"My experiences as an intern and paralegal student have solidified my decision to attend law school and have afforded me legal experience that I believe will be beneficial to me in law school and beyond."

Active Voice:
"My experiences as an intern and paralegal student solidified my decision to attend law school and afforded me legal experience that i believe will benefit me in law school and beyond."

Still sounds convoluted and repetetive. I might simply say:

"My experience as an intern and paralegal student confirmed my interest in law and provided experience I believe will benefit me throughout my career."

This is a good summary: http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/CCS_activevoice.html

(YMMV. I'm a super picky English teacher, so others might not be as bothered by this.)



haha...either way, i do appreciate the help... i didn't even realize it until you pointed it out. i'm going to work on this. thanks!

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franklyscarlet
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby franklyscarlet » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:09 pm

Bronte wrote:
franklyscarlet wrote:The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.


This sentence is not in passive voice. It's in the past perfect tense, but it is in active voice. OP, "afforded me" is correct, but the sentence is long and a bit awkward. I suggest using past simple and breaking it up into two sentences:

"Working as an intern and paralegal solidified my decision to attend law school. It also afforded me legal experience that I believe will benefit me in law school and in practice."

The sentences still sound somewhat like fluff, but they at least read better this way.


yeah, you're right, actually. OP, both passive voice and past perfect have that odd formality that tends to occur when people write things they know are for an important purpose. Read your essay out loud; odds are a lot of these sentences will feel unnatural coming out.

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smustang
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby smustang » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:36 pm

ppl123 wrote:"My experiences as an intern and paralegal student have solidified my decision to attend law school and have afforded me legal experience that I believe will be beneficial to me in law school and beyond."

is this the correct use of "afford"....is it "afforded me"...."afforded to me"..."afforded me with"......or what?
HELP!!!!
thanks!


I agree that the past perfect is a little disjointed sounding even if it isn't in the passive voice. And just as a personal preference, I would steer clear of have afforded me/will be beneficial to me back to back like that. Too many me's. How about "afforded me legal experience that I believe will be to my benefit" or something like that

dip_spLitter
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby dip_spLitter » Mon Oct 29, 2012 9:09 pm

IMO there are very few times when it is necessary to say "I believe" in any kind of essay, especially a PS.

csexton182
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby csexton182 » Mon Oct 29, 2012 9:48 pm

Agree with Dip_splitter. There is very little times to put "I believe" in your personal statement.

ppl123
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby ppl123 » Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:10 pm

csexton182 wrote:Agree with Dip_splitter. There is very little times to put "I believe" in your personal statement.



the reason i use i believe a little bit too much is because i dont want to sound..... conceited ....when im talking about myself it scares me to use a solid "this is how it is" type word or phrase......

anyways...im applying in canada....our personal statements are a little different. most are a set of questions that you provide answers to.... whereas for most american schools i believe it is an essay-type PS....? correct me if im wrong.

really appreciate the ongoing advice.

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SantIvo
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby SantIvo » Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:27 pm

Bronte wrote:
franklyscarlet wrote:The passive voice is killing me. If this is any indication, you need to do a hard edit for passive voice throughout your PS.


I suggest using past simple and breaking it up into two sentences:

"Working as an intern and paralegal solidified my decision to attend law school. It also afforded me legal experience that I believe will benefit me in law school and in practice."

The sentences still sound somewhat like fluff, but they at least read better this way.


Credited.

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franklyscarlet
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby franklyscarlet » Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:50 pm

ppl123 wrote:
csexton182 wrote:Agree with Dip_splitter. There is very little times to put "I believe" in your personal statement.



the reason i use i believe a little bit too much is because i dont want to sound..... conceited ....when im talking about myself it scares me to use a solid "this is how it is" type word or phrase......

anyways...im applying in canada....our personal statements are a little different. most are a set of questions that you provide answers to.... whereas for most american schools i believe it is an essay-type PS....? correct me if im wrong.

really appreciate the ongoing advice.


The PS is an inherently conceited act. Don't worry about it. I know nothing about canadian PS's, so obviously you'll want to tailor yours to those questions.

Protip: An ellipsis (which is three periods "..." not four) should never take the place of a period. There shouldn't be a single one of those in your PS. This is based on the typing above, but it's a grammar pet peeve and I had to vent my spleen.

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rinkrat19
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:53 pm

franklyscarlet wrote:
ppl123 wrote:
csexton182 wrote:Agree with Dip_splitter. There is very little times to put "I believe" in your personal statement.



the reason i use i believe a little bit too much is because i dont want to sound..... conceited ....when im talking about myself it scares me to use a solid "this is how it is" type word or phrase......

anyways...im applying in canada....our personal statements are a little different. most are a set of questions that you provide answers to.... whereas for most american schools i believe it is an essay-type PS....? correct me if im wrong.

really appreciate the ongoing advice.


The PS is an inherently conceited act. Don't worry about it. I know nothing about canadian PS's, so obviously you'll want to tailor yours to those questions.

Protip: An ellipsis (which is three periods "..." not four) should never take the place of a period. There shouldn't be a single one of those in your PS. This is based on the typing above, but it's a grammar pet peeve and I had to vent my spleen.
Also, a proper law school ellipsis counts as THREE WORDS. <sets her bluebook on fire>

ppl123
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby ppl123 » Tue Oct 30, 2012 12:40 am

ok, i appreciate your advice, but i know that. and i would never do that in any kind of formal writing. and i'm pretty sure i learned that at the age of 5. we are on a forum.



rinkrat19 wrote:
franklyscarlet wrote:
ppl123 wrote:
csexton182 wrote:Agree with Dip_splitter. There is very little times to put "I believe" in your personal statement.



the reason i use i believe a little bit too much is because i dont want to sound..... conceited ....when im talking about myself it scares me to use a solid "this is how it is" type word or phrase......

anyways...im applying in canada....our personal statements are a little different. most are a set of questions that you provide answers to.... whereas for most american schools i believe it is an essay-type PS....? correct me if im wrong.

really appreciate the ongoing advice.


The PS is an inherently conceited act. Don't worry about it. I know nothing about canadian PS's, so obviously you'll want to tailor yours to those questions.

Protip: An ellipsis (which is three periods "..." not four) should never take the place of a period. There shouldn't be a single one of those in your PS. This is based on the typing above, but it's a grammar pet peeve and I had to vent my spleen.
Also, a proper law school ellipsis counts as THREE WORDS. <sets her bluebook on fire>

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CorkBoard
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Oct 30, 2012 5:38 pm

"Working as an intern and a paralegal has solidified my decision to attend law school. These experiences gave me legal background that I believe will be beneficial to me in law school and beyond."

Boom, done.

Edited for grammar/clarity.
Last edited by CorkBoard on Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

dip_spLitter
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby dip_spLitter » Tue Oct 30, 2012 7:32 pm

CorkBoard wrote:"Working as an intern and a paralegal have solidified my decision to attend law school. These experiences gave me legal experience that I believe will be beneficial to me in law school and beyond."

Boom, done.


+1

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TopHatToad
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby TopHatToad » Tue Oct 30, 2012 7:46 pm

Okay OP, now feed us the rest of your PS one sentence at a time. I feel like we have a good creative vibe in here.

CanadianWolf
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Re: can someone tell me if this sentence is okay?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 30, 2012 10:40 pm

OP: What type of internship ? In a law firm, DA's office or with a hospital ?




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