Be cruel!! Tear it apart!

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Anonymous User
Posts: 273083
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Be cruel!! Tear it apart!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:26 am

I am not a good writer, so I need much help.
Please let me know whether this is going in the right direction.
Thank you!

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I was only mildly surprised when I had heard the news from David, for it had already happened twice since my arrival in Shanghai six months earlier. My bike was stolen again that afternoon while he was using it. To practice benevolence learned from studying Confucian classics, I first refused his compensation offer. His persistent offer, however, led me to rethink this issue. Looking at the matter from his viewpoint, I realized that he was yet another Confucian also wanting to be kind to me. My refusal was, in a sense, disregarding his opinion and goodwill by forcing mine over his, thereby depriving him a chance to become a responsible person. Moreover, my refusal had a possibility of leaving him with a lingering sense of guilt. I had to seek another solution.

One day in my second year of college, my two friends got into a big dispute. I remained neutral for I had recognized they were both equally culpable. But what shocked me came later. My other friends, unlike myself, actively engaged themselves in the scene by either supporting them or comforting them. And I suddenly found myself standing aloof as a mere observer only analyzing the issue and justifying my passive behavior as something rational and reasonable. But my neutrality had no materialized effect on the turn of events, and I realized that only understanding different views was not enough. As someone who understands both sides, perhaps I should have had to reconcile them instead of maintaining silence. I was trapped in the wall of passivity disguised under the name of prudence. Along with my passiveness I was missing something important in life; challenges, sweat, joy, and personal growth that can be gained only after struggling with one’s life.

Thereafter, I embarked on a journey to change myself. I did not know exactly how, but I first decided to throw myself out in the world by stepping out of my comfort zone. I took two legal internships in D.C. and acted as a stage host of the biggest annual Korean cultural festival. In these professional settings, I slowly learned how to speak up my voice and communicate with others more effectively. I also went backpacking over Europe, Asia, and South America. I met people from all kinds of backgrounds on the streets, bus terminals, and in hostels. These encounters allowed me, albeit for a short time, to see this world with so many different lenses, sometimes as a Chinese university student from poor family and sometimes as a Puerto Rican poet travelling around the world. Each culture had legitimate reasons of its own way of life, and so was each person. I began to appreciate each person as who he is as a person, rather than prescribing him under certain cultural stereotypes. Slowly but surely, I stepped out of my passivity to become a more active participant of my life. But more importantly these experiences taught me how to communicate and cooperate with others. Last summer, I joined my Korean church’s mission trip to Europe visiting Christian communities, as both an interpreter and a student leader of twenty Korean college students. At the Larche community in London, the assistants sincerely and patiently humbled themselves to cooperate with the people with disability. They were making small but real progresses every day. I saw that any cooperation has to happen on the foundation of mutual respect. And I came to a realization that I had to find a way to cooperate with my students instead of leading them as I saw fit. At Taize, a Christian community in France with thousands of participants from all over the world, I introduced my group to others, organized soccer matches, and acted as an interpreter in group discussions and lectures. But I consciously assumed a more passive role and intervened only when necessary to get my students involved as much as possible. Though sometimes their conversations did not flow so smoothly, I was able to see them slowly opening up their hearts to interact with other foreigners. In this way, I was able to help them help themselves to interact with diverse people and step out of their comfort zones.

Last September, I came to China to study Chinese philosophy to continue the journey of broadening my scope by developing a deeper understanding of others and my Eastern origin. While studying how ancient Chinese thinkers formulated their theories to achieve harmonization among different individuals and societies, I also think about how I can participate in creating harmony with others in this diverse world. One thing I have realized is that it should start from near, from my daily life. I interact with friends from all over the world and engage in rich discussions with them concerning life, love, politics, and philosophy. Here, I see some clues of how different people can communicate with each other despite all the differences. We all share something even bigger than our differences, that we are all human beings.

My experiences have taught me that a broader scope can be gained by embracing others’ views. It should, however, go on to search for the ground where different people can communicate and cooperate with each other. And that is possible through a thorough understanding of others’ perspectives and a conscious effort to bring different views together. I want to be someone who can mediate that process as an active participant, not an observer. The reason why I want to pursue legal studies is because I believe the law can provide me with very practical tools to achieve my goal. In my two legal internships, I have witnessed cases from a homosexual police officer who was maltreated at work to war crimes in Africa prosecuted at the International Criminal Court. In all cases, the law was acting as a mediating force to bring our society together. I truly hope I can take part in that process.

After much discussion with David, we paid $15 each to get me a used but lovely bike. We were both decent Confucians indeed.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Oct 29, 2012 3:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273083
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Be cruel!! Tear it apart!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 29, 2012 3:42 pm

bump

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Be cruel!! Tear it apart!

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Oct 29, 2012 3:52 pm

Anonymous User wrote:I am not a good writer, so I need much help.
Please let me know whether this is going in the right direction.
Thank you!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was only mildly surprised when I had heard the news from David, for it had already happened twice since my arrival in Shanghai six months earlier. My bike was stolen again that afternoon while he was using it. To practice benevolence learned from studying Confucian classics, I first refused his compensation offer. His persistent offer, however, led me to rethink this issue. Looking at the matter from his viewpoint, I realized that he was yet another Confucian also wanting to be kind to me. My refusal was, in a sense, disregarding his opinion and goodwill by forcing mine over his, thereby depriving him a chance to become a responsible person. Moreover, my refusal had a possibility of leaving him with a lingering sense of guilt. I had to seek another solution. What?? I don't understand this paragraph at all.

One day in my second year of college, my two friends got into a big dispute about? Why is this relevant??. I remained neutral for I had recognized they were both equally culpable. But what shocked me came later. My other friends, unlike myself, actively engaged themselves in the scene by either supporting them or comforting them. And I suddenly found myself standing aloof as a mere observer only analyzing the issue and justifying my passive behavior as something rational and reasonable. But my neutrality had no materialized effect on the turn of events, and I realized that only understanding different views was not enough. As someone who understands both sides, perhaps I should have had to reconcile them instead of maintaining silence. I was trapped in the wall of passivity disguised under the name of prudence. Along with my passiveness I was missing something important in life; challenges, sweat, joy, and personal growth that can be gained only after struggling with one’s life. None of this makes any sense because I have no idea what these people were arguing over. Either explain it or cut it.

Thereafter, I embarked on a journey to change myself. I did not know exactly how, but I first decided to throw myself out in the world by stepping out of my comfort zone. I took two legal internships in D.C. and acted as a stage host of the biggest annual Korean cultural festival. In these professional settings, I slowly learned how to speak up my voice and communicate with others more effectively how?. I also went backpacking over Europe, Asia, and South America reaching for material now.... I met people from all kinds of backgrounds on the streets, bus terminals, and in hostels. These encounters allowed me, albeit for a short time, to see this world with so many different lenses, sometimes as a Chinese university student from poor family and sometimes as a Puerto Rican poet travelling around the world. Each culture had legitimate reasons of its own way of life, and so was each person. I began to appreciate each person as who he is as a person, rather than prescribing him under certain cultural stereotypes. Slowly but surely, I stepped out of my passivity to become a more active participant of my life. But more importantly these experiences taught me how to communicate and cooperate with others. PARAGRAPH BREAK

Last summer, I joined my Korean church’s mission trip to Europe visiting Christian communities, as both an interpreter and a student leader of twenty Korean college students. At the Larche community in London, the assistants sincerely and patiently humbled themselves to cooperate with the people with disability. They were making small but real progresses every day. I saw that any cooperation has to happen on the foundation of mutual respect. And I came to a realization that I had to find a way to cooperate with my students instead of leading them as I saw fit. At Taize, a Christian community in France with thousands of participants from all over the world, I introduced my group to others, organized soccer matches, and acted as an interpreter in group discussions and lectures. But I consciously assumed a more passive role and intervened only when necessary to get my students involved as much as possible. Though sometimes their conversations did not flow so smoothly, I was able to see them slowly opening up their hearts to interact with other foreigners. In this way, I was able to help them help themselves to interact with diverse people and step out of their comfort zones. resume dump now.

Last September, I came to China to study Chinese philosophy to continue the journey of broadening my scope by developing a deeper understanding of others and my Eastern origin. While studying how ancient Chinese thinkers formulated their theories to achieve harmonization among different individuals and societies, I also think about how I can participate in creating harmony with others in this diverse world. One thing I have realized is that it should start from near, from my daily life. I interact with friends from all over the world and engage in rich discussions with them concerning life, love, politics, and philosophy. Here, I see some clues of how different people can communicate with each other despite all the differences. We all share something even bigger than our differences, that we are all human beings.

My experiences have taught me that a broader scope can be gained by embracing others’ views. It should, however, go on to search for the ground where different people can communicate and cooperate with each other. And that is possible through a thorough understanding of others’ perspectives and a conscious effort to bring different views together. I want to be someone who can mediate that process as an active participant, not an observer. The reason why I want to pursue legal studies is because I believe the law can provide me with very practical tools to achieve my goal. In my two legal internships, I have witnessed cases from a homosexual police officer who was maltreated at work to war crimes in Africa prosecuted at the International Criminal Court. In all cases, the law was acting as a mediating force to bring our society together. I truly hope I can take part in that process.

After much discussion with David, we paid $15 each to get me a used but lovely bike. We were both decent Confucians indeed.



Okay. I didn't get past the fourth paragraph because this is a resume dump. There is too much going on and you're trying too hard to say you had SO many experiences that opened your eyes that I am honestly just lost in what it is you're trying to say. So you met a lot of people and learned to appreciate others' views. Did you need to tell me about 6,000 things you did to do that? No. You should focus more on one or two of these experiences (whichever you choose) and cut the rest.

I also think the beginning paragraph/ending paragraph sounds like you're trying a little too hard to be unique. Get the story done right first. Tell it effectively, and worry about a catchy ending afterwards.




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