Need Feedback on 1st Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Need Feedback on 1st Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 28, 2012 3:16 pm

Down for editing.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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SantIvo
Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:33 pm

Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft

Postby SantIvo » Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:39 pm

OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.

I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.

Good luck!

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bobbypin
Posts: 256
Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:50 pm

Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft

Postby bobbypin » Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:48 pm

SantIvo wrote:OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.

I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.

Good luck!


I agree.




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