Welcome any comment on my ps!!!!!!!!!!

[mosquito]

Hi,everybody. I need your comments on my first draft ps.. I know my writing is not good~ but besides the bad writing, how do you guys feel about my ps? what do you think of its theme? it's midnight in my country now but i'm waiting for your feedbacks!

On December 20, 2011, in the night colder than usual, I walked on the crowded street alone. It was the first day of my first winter vacation in JD period. I just survived from the days I read papers and cases until 2 o’clock in every early morning. Five days later, it was Christmas, so on the street, Christmas trees with baubles were placed everywhere. Hong Kong, what a different place from Chinese Mainland! Walking on the street like that, I always suddenly felt that I was walking on a street in America, the country I dreamt of four years ago. In the deep night, I got back to my 8-square-meter room, and lay on my bed. I asked myself:“ Do you still remember your dream?”

Yes, of course I do. In 2008, my third year of undergraduate, in a class of International Economic Law, Professor Liu sincerely said:“ every time there is a business-related dispute between China and America, we have to hire American lawyers, as in China, the lawyers proficient in American laws are few. It is a great pity for China”. What he said touched me a lot, and I then told myself:” I must study in America to become a legal expert to solve business-related disputes between China and America.”

In 2009, my fourth year in the university, I took the Law School Admission Test (LSAT), but I did not do my best, so I had to cancel the result. After that test, I was depressed for a long time, I felt that it was time to say goodbye to my dream. But, I never gave up. I believed that although others may take a year to do a thing that I may take two, even three years, anyhow, I can do that.

In 2010, I graduated from the university with Magna Cum Laude honors, and came to the Chinese University of Hong Kong (CUHK) as an LLM student to further study the International Economic Law. While I was studying in LLM, I became the only person who got accepted as a student intern in the Court of Final Appeal of Hong Kong. That internship spot was originally reserved only for elite young PRC judges and prosecutors who are elected by the PRC Supreme People’s Court and the PRC Supreme People's Procuratorate. What’s more incredible was that I had Patrick Chan, the current Permanent Judge of the Court of Final Appeal of Hong Kong, as my mentor. My classmates asked me what I did to win this internship opportunity. I answered, “My assertiveness and courage let me attain the impossible.” Back in March 2011, I volunteered to be a court bailiff in the 9th Red Cross International Humanitarian Law Moot (Asian-Specific Region). Patrick Chan was the President for the contest’s finals. Many other volunteer helpers feared his dignity and they did not dare to approach him. On the other hand, I thought this was perhaps my only chance in my whole life to get to know the Permanent Judge whom I respect the most. I must grasp this opportunity! Then, I gathered my courage, walked up to him, and introduced myself. Perhaps Judge Chan was also surprised by my bravery, we had a wonderful conversation and I told him about my “Dream”. He also recognized my dream, so he gave me his card and invited me to be a summer student intern in his office. This incident made me realize that being assertive and courageous to seize valuable opportunities can carry you a long way.

In April, 2011, I was accepted by the JD program in CUHK. But, I did not want to give up my dream still. In June, 2011, I took the LSAT again, and obtained my first LSAT score, 158. Depending on that, I knew I could study law in America at that time, but not in my dream law school-xx, so, I decided to quit. It was my first time to say quit to myself, and I began to think maybe studying in Hong Kong was a good choice too. In September, 2011, I began my JD course in Hong Kong. Under very strong stress from JD study, I passed the first semester unconsciously. Without knowing why, at the moment I finished my last test, a voice from my deep heart asked me:” Is it a right road for me?” I thought for two days and two nights, asking myself repeatedly:” if my target is to be a legal expert to solve the business-related disputes between China and America, how can I master American laws when studying laws in Hong Kong?” I realized, if I continued escaping, I would go far from my dream. Yes, I should not find any excuse or fallback for myself. If I did not struggle for my dream when I was young, I would definitely regret when I am old.

On January 19, 2012, I submitted my withdrawal of JD application. On February 12, 2012, I took the LSAT again, and I achieved the score of X, which made me closer to my dream.

Now, I am a lawyer in a famous Chinese law firm. In the past year, I changed my identity a lot, from a freshman in JD, to a paralegal to a lawyer now. From a green hand without any practice to a young lawyer who can cooperate with investment banks such as Morgan Stanley and Piper Jaffray to finish IPO projects, I grew up and learned a lot. I became mature and calm. As a lawyer in the fields of business law and company law, my working content was not full of Dershowitz-style debates, shock in Boston Legal, passionate quoting or voluble eloquence in the court. However, what I need are strict and patient attitude in treating law, good writing ability and team spirit. I still remembered the eve when a prospectus should be delivered to Hong Kong Stock Exchange, as a project team, we had worked from 8:30 am to 2:00 am next morning for four days continuously. We checked, discussed and modified the prospectus, for every sentence, even every word again and again. As a young lawyer, this work made me realize that lawyer was not a romantic job, and to be an excellent lawyer, you should not only be passionate, but also be rigorous and responsible to laws and clients with team spirit.

Giving up Hong Kong JD, I took some risks, but I never regret. As I knew I was walking on my way leading to my dream again. To be a lawyer, I stepped up the legal expert dream for business-related disputes between China and America in practice further.

Looking back these years, I always struggled with failures, and always achieved experiences and grew up from the failures. The dream in 2008 and the perseverance for XX law school shaped me, who now is a lawyer having work experiences in Hong Kong and Chinese Mainland and with LLB and LLM degrees.

Sometimes I doubted that I was not clever enough, but I never doubted I would be successful. Because I insisted on my dream and was willing to pay everything for my dream.

[mosquito]

on one???? i'm still waiting....

[mosquito]

really need your help!!!!!

[SantIvo]

This needs a lot of work. To put it bluntly, your statement comes paradoxically across as being rather like an insecure individual's self-congratulatory resume dump.

If I were you, I would focus on one specific anecdote -- perhaps your internship with Hong Kong's Court of Final Appeal -- and tell that story in detail. I would make sure to be grammatically precise and tonally reserved.

I don't believe this is salvageable, but all personal statements begin that way.

Good luck, OP!

[mosquito]

This needs a lot of work. To put it bluntly, your statement comes paradoxically across as being rather like an insecure individual's self-congratulatory resume dump.

If I were you, I would focus on one specific anecdote -- perhaps your internship with Hong Kong's Court of Final Appeal -- and tell that story in detail. I would make sure to be grammatically precise and tonally reserved.

I don't believe this is salvageable, but all personal statements begin that way.

Good luck, OP!

thanks for your honest and harsh comment~~ can you read the following ps, this is my second version ps. i'm happy to know your opinion~

Many people have asked me, “You have already obtained a LLB degree in PRC, a LLM degree in International Economic Law in Hong Kong, and passed the PRC National Bar Exam. You can become a professional lawyer immediately, but why are you still willing to spend at least three more years and 150,000 US Dollars to pursue for the JD degree in the US? Also, the current economy in the US is not at its best. It’s possible that you might not find a good job even if you were admitted to the US BAR”. I’m aware of these risks, and I certainly did not decide on impulse. On the contrary, I want to study JD in the US because I’m very certain of my lifetime goals, and I chose to persist in achieving them. Before presenting my lifetime goals, I would like to tell you an incident that affected me tremendously at first.

When I was a middle school student, whenever I walked to school, I would see an old beggar dressed in rags sitting on the roadside. I often gave him my allowance so he could buy food to eat. When I was a second year high school student, we had a very cold winter. One day, as I was walking to school as usual, I spotted the old beggar lay in the middle of the road motionless. I quickly helped him up and sat him by the pavement. His body was cold and stiff, so I was certain that he suffered from accidental hypothermia and he fell and couldn’t get up. Then, I ran home and told my mother that I have to take one of our cotton coats to the beggar. My mother refused. She thought the old beggar has lived like this for so many years, so he should be accustomed to the cold weather and won’t freeze to death. Finally, I listened to her and gave up taking the coat to the beggar. On/In the next morning, I saw the beggar lay in the middle of the road again. Again I tried to help him up, but at that moment I realized… he already died! At 6:30 am in the morning after I broke my promise to bring him a coat, I saw with my own eyes and felt with my own hands his frozen dead body. I blamed myself even up until today because I felt I was responsible for his death. If I had stood up to my mother’s logic that seemingly made sense, but was actually wrong, the old beggar would not have died. My mother used past experience to deduce a conclusion. She didn’t consider that the beggar became weaker as he aged and the weather was abnormally colder in that winter. I learnt that (1) I should think critically and independently (2) I should act assertively to things that are right, and (3) I should persist until I succeed. Since then, I have become more analytic, assertive, courageous, and persistent! I will outline two incidents below that demonstrate these personalities.

The first incident is my weight-loss experience. In the past, my friends and even my brother laughed at me because I was obese. So in my freshman year, I decided to go on a diet. During this period, there were many occasions when I wanted to give up due to either tiredness from exercising or temptations from delectable food. But whenever this happened, I would always remember the incident with the old beggar, and I would tell myself, “You can do it April! No pain no gain. Just persist a bit longer!” As a result of my strong perseverance, I lost 60 pounds in the span of 6 months without relying on any medicine or coaching! After I successfully lost weight, nobody mocked my appearance anymore. I also became more confident. From then on, no matter what kinds of difficulties I face, I would encourage myself by saying, “April, don’t forget that you had the willpower to lose 60 pounds. Success will come to you if you just persist!”

The second incident is my internship experience. While I was studying in LLM at Hong Kong last year, I became the only person who got accepted as a student intern in the Court of Final Appeal of Hong Kong. That internship spot was originally reserved only for elite young PRC judges and prosecutors who are elected by the PRC Supreme People’s Court and the PRC Supreme People's Procuratorate. What’s more incredible was that I had Patrick Chan, the current Permanent Judge of the Court of Final Appeal of Hong Kong, as my mentor. My classmates asked me what I did to win this internship opportunity. I answered, “My assertiveness and courage let me attain the impossible.” Back in March 2011, I volunteered to be a court bailiff in the 9th Red Cross International Humanitarian Law Moot (Asian-Specific Region). Patrick Chan was the President for the contest’s finals. Many other volunteer helpers feared his dignity and they did not dare to approach him. On the other hand, I thought this was perhaps my only chance in my whole life to get to know the Permanent Judge whom I respect the most. I must grasp this opportunity! Then, I gathered my courage, walked up to him, and introduced myself. Perhaps Judge Chan was also surprised by my bravery, we had a wonderful conversation and I told him about my “Dream”. He also recognized my dream, so he gave me his card and invited me to be a summer student intern in his office. This incident made me realize that being assertive and courageous to seize valuable opportunities can carry you a long way.

Now, I want to tell you about my “Dream”: I want to become one of the Chinese lawyers who can utilize the law to protect China’s rights and benefits in trade disputes between the US and China. As trade activities between the US and China increase, so does the trade friction between the two countries. Whenever there are trade disputes, China has to appoint American lawyers to help them settle the issues. This is because China currently lacks elite lawyers who have expertise in both International Economic Law and American Law, and are also fluent in English. After I identified my dream in 2008, I have been striving towards this goal step-by-step with my analytic power, assertiveness, courage, and persistence. I achieved the first stage of my dream in 2010 by passing the National Bar Examination in only one attempt (Passing rate is only 10%) and obtaining qualification to become a lawyer in China. In 2011, I achieved the second stage of my dream by obtaining my LLM degree in International Economic Law from the Chinese University of Hong Kong. In 2012, I will strive for the third stage of my dream – To diligently learn the American Law, especially the law relating to intellectual property, tax, trade and economic area, in 3 years’ time while personally experience the culture in the US at the same time. This will prepare me academically for the most important stage in fulfilling my ultimate dream!