PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Brody
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:23 am

PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;)

Postby Brody » Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:46 pm

EDIT: deleted
Last edited by Brody on Sat Oct 27, 2012 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

honeycomb
Posts: 79
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 10:26 pm

Re: PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;)

Postby honeycomb » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:10 pm

This jumps between topics way too frequently, but the good news is you have some good material in there, you just need to narrow your focus.

I was very engaged with the beginning part about piano; of all of your different subtopics in here, I would choose that one as it sounds like you have the most passion for it. It also is somewhat unique and you clearly have the capability to tell the reader a good story.

Also, the paragraph that goes on about all of the people that have told you that you're wonderful needs to go. You just come off as arrogant.

The only other thing I would suggest is that you show rather than tell. You don't need to tell the reader that your passion and perseverance would translate into life as an attorney, adcomms will know that if you convince them that you possess those qualities as a pianist.

Brody
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:23 am

Re: PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;)

Postby Brody » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:24 pm

Thanks, honeycomb. I agree with a lot of what you say, particularly regarding the abrupt topic changes.

Is there any way to include the story about my fifth-grade classmate, Cody, without coming off as arrogant? I included it because it is a large source of my passion and drive. The kid really did look up to me, poverty largely prevented him from any hope of success, and I want to help folks like him out.

And as promised, feel free to PM me anything you have that you would like someone to look at. Thanks again.

EDIT: typo

honeycomb
Posts: 79
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 10:26 pm

Re: PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;)

Postby honeycomb » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:43 pm

I definitely think you can!! I think it only sounded arrogant because it was just a laundry list of compliments (great for you, but not so necessary in a PS). Maybe try rewriting it by describing him and his background and then ending with how he told you that he looks up to you. That will make you seem caring first and foremost.

Brody
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:23 am

Re: PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;)

Postby Brody » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:47 pm

Great, thanks for your help! I was worried it might come off as self-serving, so I thank you again. Having another set of eyes look over a PS is very helpful.




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