Please Critique my PS! Forum
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Please Critique my PS!
bombed.
Last edited by Platodium on Sat Oct 27, 2012 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
deleted
Last edited by jac101689 on Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
I stopped after these first two sentences. This is NOT a cover letter, it's a personal statement. Write something that they are going to want to read.Throughout secondary and post-secondary school, extra-curricular activities have not only enriched my personal development and leadership abilities, but they have also served to complement my growth and excellence in the academic world. No other activity exemplifies this more strongly than my commitment to music.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
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Last edited by nickb285 on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
I realize that the first few sentences have to go. I guess I should have taken them out right away. I can also see that the first real paragraph starts off really slow and boring. But is the whole thing a flop too (not just style, but substance as well)? I was a bit reluctant to write it in a more exciting way. I tried to show how music developed my leadership and how it related and helped me study law.
Thanks for your comments. Any other thoughts? Please read the whole thing before commenting, I know I have to redo the start at least.
Thanks for your comments. Any other thoughts? Please read the whole thing before commenting, I know I have to redo the start at least.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
Everyone is enriched by extracurricular activities in a way that's complementary to academic development...find a personal way of saying that. Start with a specific story--something that indicates you're not ripping this from your high school football team's quarterback.
Don't ever say someone is "awed" by what you've done; unless you have a clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis, this is inexcusable.
"...rapid transition to the sax..." again--you have major tone problems here.
I think the most concise way of saying it is: show, don't tell. Don't say you're great. Demonstrate that you're great. Tell a story--be factual, not hopeful.
Don't ever say someone is "awed" by what you've done; unless you have a clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis, this is inexcusable.
"...rapid transition to the sax..." again--you have major tone problems here.
I think the most concise way of saying it is: show, don't tell. Don't say you're great. Demonstrate that you're great. Tell a story--be factual, not hopeful.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
Yeah, the first part will go.jac101689 wrote:Everyone is enriched by extracurricular activities in a way that's complementary to academic development...find a personal way of saying that. Start with a specific story--something that indicates you're not ripping this from your high school football team's quarterback.
I had that feeling about the "awed" part too... I guess I struggled with finding a middle ground between being boring and making myself sound narcissistic.Don't ever say someone is "awed" by what you've done; unless you have a clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis, this is inexcusable.
I think i'll take out the part about the sax altogether, doesn't add anything in retrospect and lowers the care factor."...rapid transition to the sax..." again--you have major tone problems here.
That's good advice. I'll try to apply that more actively.I think the most concise way of saying it is: show, don't tell. Don't say you're great. Demonstrate that you're great. Tell a story--be factual, not hopeful.
Any other thoughts about the substance? I think I can change the style a bit. I thought about expanding the story of my band in the last paragraph as kind of a "rags to riches" deal, but I wasn't too sure about it.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
I'd start by taking one aspect of music that has strong emotional resonance for you. If it were me, I'd focus on improvisation...because what might you have to do in the court room someday? Think about it.
By the way, what did you intend by the Elle Woods comment? Were you implying I won't be taken seriously?
By the way, what did you intend by the Elle Woods comment? Were you implying I won't be taken seriously?
Last edited by jac101689 on Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
Ah, well I tried to focus on improvisation to a certain extent (at least in the 1st and 2nd paragraphs, it's a heavy theme) and what you said about the court room is exactly what motivated me to make the connection in the 2nd paragraph between my improv and litigation. Perhaps this was not conveyed too strongly in my PS.jac101689 wrote:I'd start by taking one aspect of music that has strong emotional resonance for you. If it were me, I'd focus on improvisation...because what might you have to do in the court room someday? Think about it.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
lol sorry, my comment wasn't constructive. I think your PS was great, my comment was just inspired by something in your PS. Thanks for your critique though, I appreciate any advice I can get.jac101689 wrote: By the way, what did you intend by the Elle Woods comment? Were you implying I won't be taken seriously?
- LexLeon
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
I strongly disagree with the negative comments posted above.
(Even though it isn't perfect) you've written a great personal statement. It enumerates one of your greatest passions, morally laudable things you've done, and some support for the proposition that you're actually interested in the academic study of law.
I hope that you have good numbers to go with this.
(Even though it isn't perfect) you've written a great personal statement. It enumerates one of your greatest passions, morally laudable things you've done, and some support for the proposition that you're actually interested in the academic study of law.
I hope that you have good numbers to go with this.
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Re: Please Critique my PS!
Thanks for the reply and encouragement! I do have a good GPA (3.92 on the 4.0 scale) and hopefully a decent LSAT mark to come soon.LexLeon wrote:I strongly disagree with the negative comments posted above.
(Even though it isn't perfect) you've written a great personal statement. It enumerates one of your greatest passions, morally laudable things you've done, and some support for the proposition that you're actually interested in the academic study of law.
I hope that you have good numbers to go with this.
That's what I was hoping for the reader to take from it. However, I do agree with the general sentiment of the previous posters with respect to the beginning. I may start it with more of a hook and take out the useless/distracting information.
You mention that it isn't perfect - can you elaborate on some specifics?
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