Please Critique my PS!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Platodium
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Please Critique my PS!

Postby Platodium » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:42 pm

bombed.
Last edited by Platodium on Sat Oct 27, 2012 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jac101689
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:57 pm

deleted
Last edited by jac101689 on Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

canarykb
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Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby canarykb » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:01 pm

Throughout secondary and post-secondary school, extra-curricular activities have not only enriched my personal development and leadership abilities, but they have also served to complement my growth and excellence in the academic world. No other activity exemplifies this more strongly than my commitment to music.


I stopped after these first two sentences. This is NOT a cover letter, it's a personal statement. Write something that they are going to want to read.

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nickb285
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Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby nickb285 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:06 pm

I got all the way to the fourth sentence before I stopped caring. You can relate things to music if you like, but few adcomms are going to care at all about music theory. This is a PS that will very likely be skimmed and ignored.
Last edited by nickb285 on Wed Feb 20, 2013 5:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Platodium
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby Platodium » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:16 pm

I realize that the first few sentences have to go. I guess I should have taken them out right away. I can also see that the first real paragraph starts off really slow and boring. But is the whole thing a flop too (not just style, but substance as well)? I was a bit reluctant to write it in a more exciting way. I tried to show how music developed my leadership and how it related and helped me study law.

Thanks for your comments. Any other thoughts? Please read the whole thing before commenting, I know I have to redo the start at least.

jac101689
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:32 pm

Everyone is enriched by extracurricular activities in a way that's complementary to academic development...find a personal way of saying that. Start with a specific story--something that indicates you're not ripping this from your high school football team's quarterback.

Don't ever say someone is "awed" by what you've done; unless you have a clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis, this is inexcusable.

"...rapid transition to the sax..." again--you have major tone problems here.

I think the most concise way of saying it is: show, don't tell. Don't say you're great. Demonstrate that you're great. Tell a story--be factual, not hopeful.

Platodium
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby Platodium » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:41 pm

jac101689 wrote:Everyone is enriched by extracurricular activities in a way that's complementary to academic development...find a personal way of saying that. Start with a specific story--something that indicates you're not ripping this from your high school football team's quarterback.

Yeah, the first part will go.

Don't ever say someone is "awed" by what you've done; unless you have a clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis, this is inexcusable.

I had that feeling about the "awed" part too... I guess I struggled with finding a middle ground between being boring and making myself sound narcissistic.

"...rapid transition to the sax..." again--you have major tone problems here.

I think i'll take out the part about the sax altogether, doesn't add anything in retrospect and lowers the care factor.

I think the most concise way of saying it is: show, don't tell. Don't say you're great. Demonstrate that you're great. Tell a story--be factual, not hopeful.


That's good advice. I'll try to apply that more actively.

Any other thoughts about the substance? I think I can change the style a bit. I thought about expanding the story of my band in the last paragraph as kind of a "rags to riches" deal, but I wasn't too sure about it.

jac101689
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:45 pm

I'd start by taking one aspect of music that has strong emotional resonance for you. If it were me, I'd focus on improvisation...because what might you have to do in the court room someday? Think about it.

By the way, what did you intend by the Elle Woods comment? Were you implying I won't be taken seriously?
Last edited by jac101689 on Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Platodium
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby Platodium » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:49 pm

jac101689 wrote:I'd start by taking one aspect of music that has strong emotional resonance for you. If it were me, I'd focus on improvisation...because what might you have to do in the court room someday? Think about it.


Ah, well I tried to focus on improvisation to a certain extent (at least in the 1st and 2nd paragraphs, it's a heavy theme) and what you said about the court room is exactly what motivated me to make the connection in the 2nd paragraph between my improv and litigation. Perhaps this was not conveyed too strongly in my PS.

Platodium
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby Platodium » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:52 pm

jac101689 wrote:By the way, what did you intend by the Elle Woods comment? Were you implying I won't be taken seriously?


lol sorry, my comment wasn't constructive. I think your PS was great, my comment was just inspired by something in your PS. Thanks for your critique though, I appreciate any advice I can get.

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LexLeon
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Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby LexLeon » Thu Oct 25, 2012 11:04 pm

I strongly disagree with the negative comments posted above.

(Even though it isn't perfect) you've written a great personal statement. It enumerates one of your greatest passions, morally laudable things you've done, and some support for the proposition that you're actually interested in the academic study of law.

I hope that you have good numbers to go with this.

Platodium
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS!

Postby Platodium » Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:13 am

LexLeon wrote:I strongly disagree with the negative comments posted above.

(Even though it isn't perfect) you've written a great personal statement. It enumerates one of your greatest passions, morally laudable things you've done, and some support for the proposition that you're actually interested in the academic study of law.

I hope that you have good numbers to go with this.


Thanks for the reply and encouragement! I do have a good GPA (3.92 on the 4.0 scale) and hopefully a decent LSAT mark to come soon.

That's what I was hoping for the reader to take from it. However, I do agree with the general sentiment of the previous posters with respect to the beginning. I may start it with more of a hook and take out the useless/distracting information.

You mention that it isn't perfect - can you elaborate on some specifics?




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