PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jac101689
Posts: 139
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PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:23 pm

deleted
Last edited by jac101689 on Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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ChikaBoom
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex...no joke here.

Postby ChikaBoom » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:33 pm

--ImageRemoved--

LOL...so, did you get the role?

I don't even know how to respond to this as a PS.

jac101689
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex...no joke here.

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:35 pm

Hell yes! Didn't I say I got it in the essay? I guess I might have to replace this story with another that illustrates the overall message, which I'm not gonna let go of!

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ChikaBoom
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex...no joke here.

Postby ChikaBoom » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:39 pm

jac101689 wrote:Hell yes! Didn't I say I got it in the essay? I guess I might have to replace this story with another that illustrates the overall message, which I'm not gonna let go of!


My bad...I skimmed a bit towards the end lot after the first couple sentences, honestly. I probably would replace the story. Good job getting the part, though.

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boredtodeath
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby boredtodeath » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:44 pm

I kinda liked it. I like the writing style, even though there are quite a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed. I feel like as an adcomm, I'd want you in my class. You seem to have something.

Platodium
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby Platodium » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:49 pm

elle woods could pull it off, so can you!

Image

jac101689
Posts: 139
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:41 pm

That's a pretty high compliment, actually. She got a 179, graduated at the top of her class, and pretty much made everything she set out to do her bitch. Thank you!
Last edited by jac101689 on Thu Oct 25, 2012 5:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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chadwick218
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby chadwick218 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:49 pm

boredtodeath wrote:I kinda liked it. I like the writing style, even though there are quite a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed. I feel like as an adcomm, I'd want you in my class. You seem to have something.


Seconded. Many of your sentences are rather long and complex. I think that you have a couple of opportunities to insert some very short sentences to really catch the reader and make some dramatic points.

jac101689
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 5:03 pm

Thanks, guys! More feedback is certainly welcome.

NightmanCometh
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby NightmanCometh » Thu Oct 25, 2012 6:22 pm

I think it tries a tad bit too hard to be edgy. On a general note, I like the anecdote and your writing style- both are very effective. My problem comes later on when you try to wrap things up, I think you do it in a heavy-handed way.

First of all, know your audience. Many lawyers, are by definition, risk-averse. In fact, much of the practice of transactional legal work involves managing risk and covering the client's ass (I work at a law firm). Likewise, there is an emphasis on sticking to precedents and not thinking outside the box. If a practicing attorney read some of this like finding a "frightening or glass-shattering deviation", there is a risk that he/she might think you would probably not make an effective lawyer. If this is a risk you are willing to take, by all means :)

Also, the crisp language at the beginning falters a bit towards the end, it becomes clunky and hard to read. Like some other posters have said, use shorter and more succinct sentences.

Hope that helps!

jac101689
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Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 6:54 pm

Thanks so much :D

But isn't law school what makes effective lawyers?

NightmanCometh
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby NightmanCometh » Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:07 pm

Not necessarily...if you've been keeping tabs on the treatment of lawyers in the media, there has been an increasing amount of criticism by clients who complain that young lawyers fresh out of school don't know how to do jack shit while they bill at outrageous hourly rates. Unfortunately, in many practice areas the study of law and legal practice are very different animals.

jac101689
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:14 pm

Oh, right! Law school is increasingly commercial and decreasingly selective. I hope, though, that law school still stands to mold someone who has the potential to be a good lawyer into a good lawyer.

When I wrote this, I was going on the assumption that adcomms want to learn something about the person behind the numbers. I wrote about a moment that still has strong emotional resonance for me and to which I attribute a lot of the success I've had since then. I wasn't really trying to be edgy; I was just writing candidly. I also did try to qualify the prescription for risk-taking by adding in "short of endangering yourself or others."

Furthermore, I didn't want to write about my "superior reasoning abilities" or depraved moral sensibilities, apt as those topics might be.

Hope that clarifies things and gets me off the hook a bit. :wink:

NightmanCometh
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Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby NightmanCometh » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:28 pm

Sure, no worries. Actually, to be clear I had no problem with your anecdote or the emotional impact of the moment. What I did have a problem with, however, was the ending.

To articulate it in another way, I had a problem with the tone of your last paragraph. You seem to be preaching an "eternal lesson" to all of us. The paragraph is peppered with "we"s and imperative statements and the tone makes it seem that your lesson is matter of fact. That, and the fact that the sentences are a bit wordy, makes it sound like you are saying "hey, you guys are sheeple. snap out of it. let's do things differently!". That is what I meant when I said it tries to be edgy.

Of course, that is just what I felt when reading it. But as I said already, I have no problem with either your story or anything except the last paragraph.

jac101689
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: PS tangentially related to sex. Is it too risky?

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:31 pm

LOL! I used the royal we and wasn't fully conscious of it. Thanks for picking that up.




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