2nd Draft - Please Review

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Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

2nd Draft - Please Review

Postby Mister Gold » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:29 am

*Your feedback is appreciated. Thank you.

I slowly gazed around the dark and unfamiliar room, looking for another pair of sleepless eyes. A sudden feeling of loneliness swept over me as I realized that none were to be found. How long had I been laying there? Is this a dream? I bit my tongue to ensure that it wasn't. I heard someone stirring in the bunk in front of mine, and as I attempted to peer over the edge of the bed to take a look, I noticed that my soaking wet sneakers were still on my feet. Nobody had told me to bring sandals to shower in, and nothing in the world infuriated my basic military training instructor more than the sight of bare feet.

As I brought my head back down to rest on the pillow, my thoughts began to drift. I allowed myself time to recall the circumstances that had led me to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. After four years of college had failed to inspire any particular career path, I knew that it was time for a radical change. I recognized that I needed a transformation to get my life back on track.

My recruiter informed me that I had performed well enough on my entry exams to be accepted into the Defense Language Institute. What he didn't tell me was that I would be a student in the first ever Iraqi-Arabic program. This rigorous course was being designed to teach Modern Standard Arabic and Iraqi dialect simultaneously to students in the same sixty-three week time frame that had previously been void of any dialect training. After the second week, English was outlawed from the classroom, only Arabic was spoken. Twenty-seven students were enrolled in the class on day one. Only three of us made it to graduation. Of those three, I was the only student who was not previously bilingual.

The success that I achieved in this class was a direct result of the self-discipline and leadership skills that I had accumulated in basic military training. In addition, I rediscovered my love of learning that I feared had been lost. The complete immersion in the Iraqi culture and the Arabic language provided me with a new insight on issues in politics, religion, and economics. Long-held beliefs and ideas that I had taken for granted were challenged, and new perspectives were forged.

Since that time, I have gone on to work at the (Government Agency). I was selected by my commanding officers to learn Pashto, which is spoken in Afghanistan and Pakistan. For nine hours each day, I studied the Pashto language and Afghan culture with native instructors, and I became fully proficient in under six months. I have been a key member of the (XX) Intelligence Squadron, whose mission it is to provide tactical and strategic information to theater commanders and national command authorities through near-real-time operations. I also became familiar with the laws and policies that regulate the realm of military intelligence. As an operator, I was able to experience first-hand the intricacies of international law, NATO agreements, and the Espionage Act. I became fascinated with learning why we were performing tasks a certain way, and how seemingly minor policy changes impacted operational capability. I have experienced the ways in which the rules and regulations of the U.S. government, United Nations, and NATO impact the lives of military troops and civilians, both at home and abroad. It is this experience that fuels my desire to pursue a legal education.

As I recall those long and restless nights at Lackland AFB, I am filled with a strong sense of pride. Not only the pride that is associated with military service, but pride that originates from overcoming obstacles and achieving goals. I made the life changing decision to enlist in the Air Force with conviction and determination, I stayed the course throughout my service, and I stand a much better man for it. The mental, physical, and emotional challenges that I faced as an Airman have provided me with the tools that I will need to succeed in the future. I am confident that my military experience and my proven ability to adapt to new cultures and conditions will aid me as I make the transition from soldier to student.

latetolunch
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:38 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Please Review

Postby latetolunch » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:35 am

After a quick read, I thought it was excellent.

Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Please Review

Postby Mister Gold » Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:05 pm

I believe that this is going to be my final draft. Anybody have any last minute changes I could make to improve the PS? Or notice any spelling / grammar issues?

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nickb285
Posts: 1500
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:25 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Please Review

Postby nickb285 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:31 pm

Mostly this is great. Only a couple of minor issues stood out.

Mister Gold wrote:*I have been a key member of the (XX) Intelligence Squadron, whose mission it is to provide tactical and strategic information


This should be "whose mission is to...

I made the life changing decision to enlist in the Air Force with conviction and determination, I stayed the course throughout my service, and I stand a much better man for it.


This sentence feels awkward to me. It could just be a personal style difference, but it reads clunky IMO. Maybe try rephrasing it to see if you can get it to flow a little smoother.

Other than that I think this is about ready to go. Well done.

Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Please Review

Postby Mister Gold » Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:37 pm

Thanks for the input. I deleted the 'it' from that sentence.

Also, I removed the "I made the life changing decision..." sentence entirely. I actually had been considering getting rid of it, so you made my decision easy. It will give me one extra line at the end that I can use for the "why x school" portion.

Any additional feedback is much appreciated.




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