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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
skri65
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Postby skri65 » Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:38 pm

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Last edited by skri65 on Wed Apr 15, 2015 4:52 pm, edited 20 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:53 pm

This is not well written. Try to rewrite it in a more succinct manner using crisp, clear sentences. A major problem is your word selection which suggests that you're trying too hard to impress readers.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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roaringeagle
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby roaringeagle » Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:54 pm

I think I'll edit it just because you have a sense of humor. Tell me if you like my edit.

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dingbat
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby dingbat » Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:17 pm

False advertising

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Richie Tenenbaum
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:46 pm

This rewrite took less than 10 minutes, so it's by no means perfect. What I hope it conveys to you is that big words aren't the answer. If you want to be clear and concise, then you need to use shorter sentences and shorter words. Read something by Bryan Garner or Eugene Volokh on legal writing. Seriously. If you keep it in the form you posted above, you will have adcomms laughing when you starting talking about how your criminal justice degree taught you how to write clearly and concisely.

Parting words of wisdom from Volokh:
Some words are fancy synonyms for simpler words. Your readers will know these complex words--but such words take more time and effort to process than simple ones. Switching to simpler words will make your work more pleasant to read, and will make it less likely that readers will set it aside.


I’m an unapologetic technology geek. A reoccurring scene from my childhood involved me and my father sitting beside each other, troubleshooting the seemingly interminable set problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer. Whether it was a misplaced configuration file, or a corrupted driver, our eyes would be glued to the screen, as we brainstormed for viable solutions. In high school my technical expertise grew. I became aware of the fact that in addition to the computer itself, each program, utility, and application was a different company’s intellectual property—subject to a specific set of laws in each of the fifty states. This understanding would prove to be highly relevant to my future.

While my passion for computers continued to expand, so did my interest in social issues. I grew up surrounded by brothers and parents bursting with opinion and dissent. I was an observer, a child muted by the intensity of his family. There was no place for a kid, or even a young teenager, in a debate over healthcare, abortion, and war. Watching these spectacles over dinner as a silent spectator instilled in me the importance of utilizing one’s own voice—I longed for it. Intrigued by the legal and socio-economic implications of our justice system, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at **Undergrad*** University. There, I began to develop my own voice in both written and oral form. Finally, I could speak! I took a number of courses on law and the legal system, and I began to appreciate clear and concise writing as well—the words of a sentence, the progression of a paragraph, the finality of an essay. It was meaningful to finally have a voice of my own to contribute.

Armed with a bachelor’s degree in the social sciences and a newfound voice, I returned to my technical studies and launched myself into the study of computers. Over the last year and a half I have been working towards a Masters Degree in Computer Science at **** University. During this period, I have come to the realization that I would like to spend my life in the field of electronics and computers in some form or another. My classes have taken my understanding of how computers work to an new level and they have supplemented my daily work as a Desktop Support Technician at the ********* Information Technology department.

It wasn’t until a class on Computer Networks a year ago that I was introduced to how I could use my communication skills in a way that employs my technical expertise. My professor showed the class a software program he had created that could resolve most common protocol errors. It turns out the only thing keeping the professor from commercializing his software were infringement claims from companies known as Patent Trolls. These powerful companies have littered the landscape of technical development with frivolous lawsuits despite the fact they have no intention of actually creating the patented invention. This classroom anecdote introduced me to an interesting aspect of the high tech world. In many ways, the future of the computer industry that I have both studied and worked in depends on a patent system that can fairly protect the inventions of tomorrow. For each crippling patent troll, the computer industry needs a technically trained patent lawyer who can effectively communicate the legal issues of a case and defend our true innovators. While I now had the technical skills to work among the best computer scientists, my professor’s story made me realize that while I love the problem solving and technical aspects of computers, my real passion lies in using this knowledge to affect change and to protect those in the field I have dedicated my life to. By combining a law degree with my background in computer science and technology, I will be well-positioned to tackle all of tomorrows intellectual property legal issues.

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:58 pm

Thanks for the edit. I think I should be able to clean it up and make it a bit more simple. How am I looking in terms of content?

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:07 pm

I have posted the new version of the essay. Let's keep the critique going. It's not a finished product, but I need to figure out how to improve it. Also, any grammar/spelling edits would be great.

Again, my apologies for misleading you all. Every time I click on this thread, I too am disappointed.

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Richie Tenenbaum
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:52 am

In terms of the content: I agree with you--it feels disjointed. You have transition sentences between the two themes (between the first and second paragraph and the second and third paragraph), but those transitions aren't that smooth. You might be better off focusing more on just the technology theme, while interspersing that theme with an expressed interest for how the law interacts with legal doctrine. Or you could try coming up with a sentence or two in the very first paragraph that announces the overall theme (technology+communication) so the reader knows where you are going. Then try to make the transitions between the two sub-themes smoother.

All that said, I'm not the best at giving content advice. Maybe others can be more helpful.

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:30 am

Thanks for the advice. Bump?

dixon02
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby dixon02 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:41 am

I don't want to go through the whole thing, but one thing I immediately noticed: get rid of the contractions.

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:17 am

roaringeagle wrote:I think I'll edit it just because you have a sense of humor. Tell me if you like my edit.


Go for it, any advice/edits are good...if just to add some more to the pot.

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roaringeagle
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby roaringeagle » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:01 am

I am a highly skilled IT professional, and have had a long history of a passion for electronics of all sorts. A favorite scene from my childhood WAS MY FATHER AND I (jeez:)) sitting beside each other, troubleshooting the problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer. Whether it was a misplaced configuration file, or a corrupted driver, our eyes would be glued to the screen, as we brainstormed for possible solutions. In high school my technical expertise grew. I became aware of the fact that in addition to the computer itself, each program, utility, and application was a different company’s intellectual property—subject to a specific set of laws in each of the fifty states. This understanding has led to a passion for law, especially in the IP field.

While my passion for computers continued to expand, so did my interest in social issues. I grew up surrounded by brothers and parents who would often discuss current events and other serious issues, with the conversation ebbing and flowing in good-spirited debate. I became skilled at seeing both sides of an issue. Intrigued by the legal and socio-economic implications of our justice system, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at Filthy Liberal :) University. There, I began to develop my own distinct voice in both written and oral form. I took a number of courses on law and the legal system, and I began to appreciate clear and concise writing as well; the words of a sentence, the progression of a paragraph, the finality of an essay. It was meaningful to develop this distinct ad concise voice of my own to contribute.

(EDITORS NOTE: DON’T TALK ABOUT BEING A FLY ON THE WALL BUDDY. EVER. YOU WERE ALWAYS A WIZ KID WITH THIS DEEP PASSION FOR FINDING YOUR OWN VOICE. KEEP THAT IN MIND AND DON’T BACK DOWN. WEAKNESS IS NOT WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR. ALSO ADD WHAT YOUR “VOICE” ENTAILS. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU THINK SO I DIDN’T ADD IT)

Having achieved a bachelor’s degree in the social sciences and having found my distinct voice, I returned to my technical studies and launched myself back into the sphere of my old passion, computers. Over the last year and a half I have been working towards a Master’s Degree in Computer Science at Boring Dweeb  University. During this period, I have come to the realization that I would like to spend my life in the field of electronics and computers in some form or another. My classes have taken my understanding of how computers work to a new level and they have supplemented my daily work as a Desktop Support Technician at the SUPER DWEEB :) Information Technology department. Working and learning at the same time has been stressful but rewarding.

(EDITORS NOTE: PLAY UP YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE WHILE ATTENDING COLLEGE ESPECIALLY IF YOU PAID FOR COLLEGE YOURSELF. THEY LOVE THAT SHIT.)

It was not until a class on Computer Networks a year ago that I was introduced to how I could use my communication skills in a way that employs my technical expertise. My professor showed the class a software program he had created that could resolve most common protocol (explain what that means dweeb) errors. It turns out the only thing keeping the professor from commercializing his software were infringement claims from companies known as patent trolls. These powerful companies have littered the landscape of technical development with frivolous lawsuits despite the fact they have no intention of actually creating the patented invention. This classroom anecdote rekindled my passion for IP law. In many ways, the future of the computer industry that I have both studied and worked in depends on a patent system that can fairly protect the inventions of tomorrow. For each crippling patent troll, the computer industry needs an IP lawyer who can effectively communicate the legal issues of a case and defend our true innovators. While I now had the technical skills to work among the best computer scientists, my professor’s story made me realize that while I love the problem solving and technical aspects of computers, my real passion lies in using this knowledge to affect change and to protect those in the field I have dedicated my life to. By combining a law degree with my communication skills and background in computer science, I will be well-positioned to tackle all of tomorrow’s intellectual property legal issues.

(EDITORS NOTE: THIS IS A VERY GOOD PS ESPECIALLY AFTER I JUST SPENT 15 MINUTES REFINING IT.)

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:35 am

roaringeagle wrote:I am a highly skilled IT professional, and have had a long history of a passion for electronics of all sorts. A favorite scene from my childhood WAS MY FATHER AND I (jeez:)) sitting beside each other, troubleshooting the problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer. Whether it was a misplaced configuration file, or a corrupted driver, our eyes would be glued to the screen, as we brainstormed for possible solutions. In high school my technical expertise grew. I became aware of the fact that in addition to the computer itself, each program, utility, and application was a different company’s intellectual property—subject to a specific set of laws in each of the fifty states. This understanding has led to a passion for law, especially in the IP field.

While my passion for computers continued to expand, so did my interest in social issues. I grew up surrounded by brothers and parents who would often discuss current events and other serious issues, with the conversation ebbing and flowing in good-spirited debate. I became skilled at seeing both sides of an issue. Intrigued by the legal and socio-economic implications of our justice system, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at Filthy Liberal :) University. There, I began to develop my own distinct voice in both written and oral form. I took a number of courses on law and the legal system, and I began to appreciate clear and concise writing as well; the words of a sentence, the progression of a paragraph, the finality of an essay. It was meaningful to develop this distinct ad concise voice of my own to contribute.

(EDITORS NOTE: DON’T TALK ABOUT BEING A FLY ON THE WALL BUDDY. EVER. YOU WERE ALWAYS A WIZ KID WITH THIS DEEP PASSION FOR FINDING YOUR OWN VOICE. KEEP THAT IN MIND AND DON’T BACK DOWN. WEAKNESS IS NOT WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR. ALSO ADD WHAT YOUR “VOICE” ENTAILS. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU THINK SO I DIDN’T ADD IT)

Having achieved a bachelor’s degree in the social sciences and having found my distinct voice, I returned to my technical studies and launched myself back into the sphere of my old passion, computers. Over the last year and a half I have been working towards a Master’s Degree in Computer Science at Boring Dweeb  University. During this period, I have come to the realization that I would like to spend my life in the field of electronics and computers in some form or another. My classes have taken my understanding of how computers work to a new level and they have supplemented my daily work as a Desktop Support Technician at the SUPER DWEEB :) Information Technology department. Working and learning at the same time has been stressful but rewarding.

(EDITORS NOTE: PLAY UP YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE WHILE ATTENDING COLLEGE ESPECIALLY IF YOU PAID FOR COLLEGE YOURSELF. THEY LOVE THAT SHIT.)

It was not until a class on Computer Networks a year ago that I was introduced to how I could use my communication skills in a way that employs my technical expertise. My professor showed the class a software program he had created that could resolve most common protocol (explain what that means dweeb) errors. It turns out the only thing keeping the professor from commercializing his software were infringement claims from companies known as patent trolls. These powerful companies have littered the landscape of technical development with frivolous lawsuits despite the fact they have no intention of actually creating the patented invention. This classroom anecdote rekindled my passion for IP law. In many ways, the future of the computer industry that I have both studied and worked in depends on a patent system that can fairly protect the inventions of tomorrow. For each crippling patent troll, the computer industry needs an IP lawyer who can effectively communicate the legal issues of a case and defend our true innovators. While I now had the technical skills to work among the best computer scientists, my professor’s story made me realize that while I love the problem solving and technical aspects of computers, my real passion lies in using this knowledge to affect change and to protect those in the field I have dedicated my life to. By combining a law degree with my communication skills and background in computer science, I will be well-positioned to tackle all of tomorrow’s intellectual property legal issues.

(EDITORS NOTE: THIS IS A VERY GOOD PS ESPECIALLY AFTER I JUST SPENT 15 MINUTES REFINING IT.)


Thanks for the revisions, I think you strengthened the PS a lot. I wonder if I am lacking a little on the personal stuff, but I do think the PS needed a little more confidence and this revision definitely seems that way. I have posted the newest one at the top. I'll take any and all critique.

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:23 pm

Bump? Trying to get this thing finished for score release day.

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Richie Tenenbaum
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Wed Oct 24, 2012 4:01 pm

roaringeagle wrote: A favorite scene from my childhood WAS MY FATHER AND I (jeez:)) sitting beside each other, troubleshooting the problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer.


The offered correction is actually incorrect. You and your father are the objects in the sentence, not the subject. It should be "me and my father" (or "my father and me"), not "my father and I."

See, e.g., http://www.betterwritingskills.com/tip-w026.html ; http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/di ... s/ime.html .

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 5:01 pm

Richie Tenenbaum wrote:
roaringeagle wrote: A favorite scene from my childhood WAS MY FATHER AND I (jeez:)) sitting beside each other, troubleshooting the problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer.


The offered correction is actually incorrect. You and your father are the objects in the sentence, not the subject. It should be "me and my father" (or "my father and me"), not "my father and I."

See, e.g., http://www.betterwritingskills.com/tip-w026.html ; http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/di ... s/ime.html .


Thanks for the fix. Still looking for more suggestions/edits. Trying to decide how close (or far) I am from a final draft.

Thanks.

westbayguy
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby westbayguy » Wed Oct 24, 2012 5:13 pm

"A favorite scene from my childhood WAS MY FATHER AND I (jeez:)) sitting beside each other"

change to: A favorite scene from my childhood WAS MY FATHER sitting beside ME

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 7:28 pm

Thanks. I've updated the most revised edition to reflect this correction. Still welcome to ideas...want to know if this is a PS worth sending out yet. Anyone else?

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:25 am

Andddd final bump

albanach
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby albanach » Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:32 am

Your 1994 computer had a processor Intel didn't make until the summer of 1995. Let's hope your PS isn't read by a geeky admissions officer.

Other than that, you seem to be saying that you want to go to law school because you're passionate about IP. Seriously? I know folk who are into IP, but passionate about it? That's a bit unusual.

Other folk are going to be talking about how they helped feed starbing kids in Africa and now they're home they want to save the planet one lawsuit at a time, while you want to litigate over whether Samsung can have rounded corners on their next tablet.

Surely you can come up with something more exciting.

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TopHatToad
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby TopHatToad » Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:32 am

skri65 wrote:I am a highly skilled IT professional, and have had a long history of a passion for electronics of all sorts. A favorite scene from my childhood was my father sitying beside me, troubleshooting the problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer. Whether it was a misplaced configuration file, or a corrupted driver, our eyes would be glued to the screen, as we brainstormed for possible solutions. In high school my technical expertise grew. I became aware of the fact that in addition to the computer itself, each program, utility, and application was a different company’s intellectual property—subject to a specific set of laws in each of the fifty states. This understanding has led to a passion for law, especially in the IP field.

While my passion for computers continued to expand, so did my interest in social issues. I grew up surrounded by brothers and parents who would often discuss political and social issues , with the conversation ebbing and flowing in good-spirited debate. I became skilled at seeing both sides of an issue. Intrigued by the legal and socio-economic implications of our justice system, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at **UNDERGRAD** University. There, I began to develop my own distinct voice in both written and oral form. I took a number of courses on law and the legal system, and I began to appreciate clear and concise writing as well; the words of a sentence, the progression of a paragraph, the finality of an essay. A number of my classes involved use the Socratic method, and I tested myself to cultivate thoughtful arguments on the spot. It was meaningful [to whom?] to develop a distinct and concise voice of my own to contribute.

Having achieved a bachelor’s degree in the social sciences and having found my distinct voice, I returned to my technical studies and launched myself back into the sphere of my old passion, computers. Over the last year and a half I have been working towards a Master’s Degree in Computer Science at **Graduate*** University. During this period, I have come to the realization that I would like to spend my life in the field of electronics and computers in some form or another. My classes have taken my understanding of how computers work to a new level and they have supplemented my daily work as a Desktop Support Technician at the ***Graduate University*** Information Technology department. Working and learning at the same time has been stressful but rewarding. Being able to push through each day filled with both work and school has taught me that with good time management skills and a strong work ethic, I will be able to reach all of my career goals.

It was not until a class on Computer Networks a year ago that I was introduced to how I could use my communication skills in a way that employs my technical expertise. My professor showed the class a software program he had created that could resolve most common protocol errors. It turns out the only thing keeping the professor from commercializing his software were infringement claims from companies known as patent trolls. These powerful companies have littered the landscape of technical development with frivolous lawsuits despite the fact they have no intention of actually creating the patented invention. This classroom anecdote ignited my passion [a little clichéd, and a bit over the top. an anecdote didn't ignite your passion, but maybe it sparked something? caused you to investigate further? the point you want to get across is that it was the final thing that set you on this path] for IP law. In many ways, the future of the computer industry that I have both studied and worked in depends on a patent system that can fairly protect the inventions of tomorrow. For each crippling patent troll, the computer industry needs an IP lawyer who can effectively communicate the legal issues of a case and defend our true innovators. While I now had the technical skills to work among the best computer scientists, my professor’s story made me realize that while I love the problem solving and technical aspects of computers, my real passion lies in using this knowledge to affect effect change and to protect those in the field I have dedicated my life to. By combining a law degree with my communication skills and background in computer science, I will be well-positioned to tackle all of tomorrow’s intellectual property issues.


Pretty good overall, even with that terrible trick to suck me in :lol:
I want to make you aware of the two most common tropes in pretty much every PS I've ever read, because yours has them too:

1) I'm a hard worker/super work ethic/dedicated to my cause and saying this makes me stand out from everyone. Well, obviously not, and although these are good attributes to have, I naturally cringe a little when I see this. I haven't seen 1/100th the essays that the AdComms have, so keep it in mind. Best solution: show, not tell.

2) PASSION (or any synonym thereof) FOR LAW. Oy, do I hate seeing that over and over again. The cynics on TLS will remind 0Ls that most of us have absolutely no idea what the actual practice of law is, and they're right. I would be rightly mocked if I claimed to have a passion for skydiving because I knew how it worked and had watched some videos, so why does absolutely everyone include this in their PS? I'm being harsh here I know, but it's something to keep in mind. At the very least, seeing those words more than once in a PS probably makes the AdComms' eyes glaze over like #1 up there.

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:55 am

TopHatToad wrote:
skri65 wrote:I am a highly skilled IT professional, and have had a long history of a passion for electronics of all sorts. A favorite scene from my childhood was my father sitying beside me, troubleshooting the problems that constantly plagued our 1994 Gateway Pentium 133MHz desktop computer. Whether it was a misplaced configuration file, or a corrupted driver, our eyes would be glued to the screen, as we brainstormed for possible solutions. In high school my technical expertise grew. I became aware of the fact that in addition to the computer itself, each program, utility, and application was a different company’s intellectual property—subject to a specific set of laws in each of the fifty states. This understanding has led to a passion for law, especially in the IP field.

While my passion for computers continued to expand, so did my interest in social issues. I grew up surrounded by brothers and parents who would often discuss political and social issues , with the conversation ebbing and flowing in good-spirited debate. I became skilled at seeing both sides of an issue. Intrigued by the legal and socio-economic implications of our justice system, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at **UNDERGRAD** University. There, I began to develop my own distinct voice in both written and oral form. I took a number of courses on law and the legal system, and I began to appreciate clear and concise writing as well; the words of a sentence, the progression of a paragraph, the finality of an essay. A number of my classes involved use the Socratic method, and I tested myself to cultivate thoughtful arguments on the spot. It was meaningful [to whom?] to develop a distinct and concise voice of my own to contribute.

Having achieved a bachelor’s degree in the social sciences and having found my distinct voice, I returned to my technical studies and launched myself back into the sphere of my old passion, computers. Over the last year and a half I have been working towards a Master’s Degree in Computer Science at **Graduate*** University. During this period, I have come to the realization that I would like to spend my life in the field of electronics and computers in some form or another. My classes have taken my understanding of how computers work to a new level and they have supplemented my daily work as a Desktop Support Technician at the ***Graduate University*** Information Technology department. Working and learning at the same time has been stressful but rewarding. Being able to push through each day filled with both work and school has taught me that with good time management skills and a strong work ethic, I will be able to reach all of my career goals.

It was not until a class on Computer Networks a year ago that I was introduced to how I could use my communication skills in a way that employs my technical expertise. My professor showed the class a software program he had created that could resolve most common protocol errors. It turns out the only thing keeping the professor from commercializing his software were infringement claims from companies known as patent trolls. These powerful companies have littered the landscape of technical development with frivolous lawsuits despite the fact they have no intention of actually creating the patented invention. This classroom anecdote ignited my passion [a little clichéd, and a bit over the top. an anecdote didn't ignite your passion, but maybe it sparked something? caused you to investigate further? the point you want to get across is that it was the final thing that set you on this path] for IP law. In many ways, the future of the computer industry that I have both studied and worked in depends on a patent system that can fairly protect the inventions of tomorrow. For each crippling patent troll, the computer industry needs an IP lawyer who can effectively communicate the legal issues of a case and defend our true innovators. While I now had the technical skills to work among the best computer scientists, my professor’s story made me realize that while I love the problem solving and technical aspects of computers, my real passion lies in using this knowledge to affect effect change and to protect those in the field I have dedicated my life to. By combining a law degree with my communication skills and background in computer science, I will be well-positioned to tackle all of tomorrow’s intellectual property issues.


Pretty good overall, even with that terrible trick to suck me in :lol:
I want to make you aware of the two most common tropes in pretty much every PS I've ever read, because yours has them too:

1) I'm a hard worker/super work ethic/dedicated to my cause and saying this makes me stand out from everyone. Well, obviously not, and although these are good attributes to have, I naturally cringe a little when I see this. I haven't seen 1/100th the essays that the AdComms have, so keep it in mind. Best solution: show, not tell.

2) PASSION (or any synonym thereof) FOR LAW. Oy, do I hate seeing that over and over again. The cynics on TLS will remind 0Ls that most of us have absolutely no idea what the actual practice of law is, and they're right. I would be rightly mocked if I claimed to have a passion for skydiving because I knew how it worked and had watched some videos, so why does absolutely everyone include this in their PS? I'm being harsh here I know, but it's something to keep in mind. At the very least, seeing those words more than once in a PS probably makes the AdComms' eyes glaze over like #1 up there.


Thanks for the feedback! I have updated the PS to reflect the second criticism, although I may improve that aspect of it further later in the process. With regard to your first critique, are you only mentioning the last sentence of the third paragraph? If not, are there other areas that have this preaching style?

skri65
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:56 am

albanach wrote:Your 1994 computer had a processor Intel didn't make until the summer of 1995. Let's hope your PS isn't read by a geeky admissions officer.

Other than that, you seem to be saying that you want to go to law school because you're passionate about IP. Seriously? I know folk who are into IP, but passionate about it? That's a bit unusual.

Other folk are going to be talking about how they helped feed starbing kids in Africa and now they're home they want to save the planet one lawsuit at a time, while you want to litigate over whether Samsung can have rounded corners on their next tablet.

Surely you can come up with something more exciting.


Not quite sure what to do about this critique. Do you suggest ditching the idea altogether?

albanach
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Re: PS on Sex

Postby albanach » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:10 am

skri65 wrote:
Not quite sure what to do about this critique. Do you suggest ditching the idea altogether?


Sorry it wasn't my nicest response.

I just found it a bit monotonous. The admissions officer is going to read a couple of thousand of these. Lots will be like yours.

If your numbers are fine, the PS will be fine with the edits you're getting.

If you want to gain anything from your PS it has to be compelling. Something the admissions officer will enjoy reading and will remember. To do that in the space you have I think it needs to be much much more focused.

Pick one life event and really build on that. It's a personal statement. They want to know about you. Think about it like being introduced to a stranger for the first time. Would you describe yourself to them by talking about 20 year old computers and computer protocol errors?

skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Re: PS on Sex

Postby skri65 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:20 am

albanach wrote:
skri65 wrote:
Not quite sure what to do about this critique. Do you suggest ditching the idea altogether?


Sorry it wasn't my nicest response.

I just found it a bit monotonous. The admissions officer is going to read a couple of thousand of these. Lots will be like yours.

If your numbers are fine, the PS will be fine with the edits you're getting.

If you want to gain anything from your PS it has to be compelling. Something the admissions officer will enjoy reading and will remember. To do that in the space you have I think it needs to be much much more focused.

Pick one life event and really build on that. It's a personal statement. They want to know about you. Think about it like being introduced to a stranger for the first time. Would you describe yourself to them by talking about 20 year old computers and computer protocol errors?


No, it wasn't that your other critique wasn't nice (I can handle it)..just didn't understand exactly what you were suggesting. I get what you're saying. I want to focus on IP and my science background because I think it separates me from other applicants. With that said, I absolutely agree that this personal statement isn't the most exciting. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure how I can focus on IP/science background without boring the AdComm.




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