Rough PS - Military - Please Review

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Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

Rough PS - Military - Please Review

Postby Mister Gold » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:36 pm

*Be Brutal - not hurting any feelings. If anyone needs a review of their own PS, please send me a link or PM and I will be happy to help in any way that I can.



I slowly gazed around the dark and unfamiliar room, looking for another pair of sleepless eyes. A sudden feeling of loneliness swept over me as I realized that none were to be found. How long had I been laying there? Is this a dream? I bit my tongue to ensure that it wasn't. I heard someone stirring in the bunk in front of mine, and as I attempted to peer over the edge of the bed to take a look, I noticed that my soaking wet sneakers were still on my feet. Nobody had told me to bring sandals to shower in, and nothing in the world infuriated my basic military training instructor more than the sight of bare feet.

As I laid my head back down on the pillow, my thoughts began to drift. I allowed myself to recall the circumstances that had led me to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. After four years of college had failed to inspire any particular career path, I knew that it was time for a radical change.

Throughout my childhood, I had always been told by my teachers that I possessed an extraordinary amount of potential. In the third grade, I was removed from the normal curriculum and placed in an accelerated program with a handful of other students. Every day brought new challenges and adventures my way, and I was thrilled. The gifted program, as it was called, ended after 8th grade, and in high-school I was placed back into the normal public school curriculum. My academic world that had been so vibrantly full of color faded to gray, and I lost a great deal of interest and motivation. I received good grades based solely upon my ability to test well, but I was not developing the study skills and self-discipline that I would need to succeed later in life. After four lackluster and confusing years at college, I made the decision to enlist in the United States Air Force. At the time, I recognized that I needed a transformation to get my life back on track.

My recruiter informed me that I had performed well enough on my entry exams to be accepted into the Defense Language Institute. What he didn't tell me was that I would be a student in the first ever Iraqi-Arabic program. This rigorous course was being designed to teach Modern Standard Arabic and Iraqi dialect simultaneously to students in the same sixty-three week time frame that had previously been void of any dialect training. After the second week, English was outlawed from the classroom, only Arabic was spoken. Twenty-seven students were enrolled in the class on day one. Only three of us made it to graduation. Of those three, I was the only student who was not previously bilingual. The success that I achieved in this class was a direct result of the self-discipline and leadership skills that I had accumulated in basic military training. In addition, I rediscovered my love of learning that I feared had been lost. The complete immersion in the Iraqi culture and the Arabic language provided me with a new insight on issues in politics, religion, and economics. Long-held beliefs and ideas that I had taken for granted were challenged, and new perspectives were forged.

Since that time, I have gone on to work at the (Government Agency). I was selected by my commanding officers to learn Pashto, which is spoken in Afghanistan and Pakistan. For nine hours a day, I studied the Pashto language and Afghan culture with native instructors, and I became fully proficient in under six months. I have been a key member of the (XX) Intelligence Squadron, whose mission it is to provide tactical and strategic information to theater commanders and national command authorities through near-real-time operations. I also became familiar with the laws and policies that regulate the realm of military intelligence. As an operator, I was able to experience first-hand the intricacies of international law, NATO agreements, and the Espionage Act. I became fascinated with learning why we were performing tasks a certain way, and how seemingly minor policy changes impacted operational capability. I have experienced the ways in which the rules and regulations of the U.S. government, United Nations, and NATO impact the lives of military troops and civilians, both at home and abroad. It is this experience that fuels my desire to pursue a legal education.

As I recall those long and restless nights at Lackland AFB, I am filled with a strong sense of pride. Not only the pride that is associated with military service, but pride that originates from overcoming obstacles and achieving goals. I made the life changing decision to enlist in the Air Force with conviction and determination, I stayed the course throughout my service, and I stand a much better man for it. I am confident that my military experience and my proven ability to adapt to new cultures and conditions will allow me to succeed as I make the transition from soldier to student.


(Considering deleting the third paragraph, any opinions on that?)

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Cobretti
Posts: 2560
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2012 12:45 am

Re: Rough PS - Military - Please Review

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:44 pm

Nevermind, realized your PS implies you were ground. I was a dari 1A8.

I think the PS is good. You could be more engaging, as it reads a little slow, but other than that it gets the job done. You can check mine out if you're curious since its also about going through air force basic.

http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=196035

Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

Re: Rough PS - Military - Please Review

Postby Mister Gold » Mon Oct 22, 2012 2:03 pm

Thanks for feedback. I read your PS as well, it's good. I can relate to you, I made the same mistake of raising my hand when they asked for college grads, they made me an element leader too. I was able to pick my squad playground style, and I managed to stay away from most of the trouble magnets, but I still had to do thousands of pushups for the mistakes of the group.

Any specific advice on how I could make my PS more engaging? Would it help to delete/modify the third paragraph? I feel as if maybe that's too much pointless info mixed in there.

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meshugaat
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:54 am

Re: Rough PS - Military - Please Review

Postby meshugaat » Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:44 am

Mister Gold wrote:Any specific advice on how I could make my PS more engaging? Would it help to delete/modify the third paragraph? I feel as if maybe that's too much pointless info mixed in there.


You probably shouldn't discuss your high school academic performance in the third paragraph (or any paragraph). You would be doing yourself more of a favor if you elaborated on your experience at DLI -- an experience that makes you stand our WAY more than being in the gifted program as a child, and one that sounds more mature.

Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

Re: Rough PS - Military - Please Review

Postby Mister Gold » Tue Oct 23, 2012 11:16 am

Thanks for your input. I'm going to delete the third paragraph. I'll probably use the extra space to put some school specific info in each PS.




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