Worm's PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Re: Worm's PS

Postby NightmanCometh » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:52 pm

I think it's okay but its a bit cumbersome at times due to the extended metaphor. Paragraph by paragraph:

First paragraph- in general, I think is quite awkward. I think loading so much "philosophy" at the front end makes the essay get off to a very slow start. Maybe you can just start off with a single sentence like "Throughout my life I have tried to solve problems by looking for a needle in the haystack" then get on with it, then wrap it up with more sentences in the conclusion.

3rd paragraph- I like the story! And this is definitely applicable to future transactional legal work (reviewing contracts). A few things though:
-"corporate council" should be "corporate counsel"
-I think you can streamline the explanation a bit. It comes off as a litttle bit too technical (not horrible though). Explain in plain English, the reason the company was losing money was because .... and I found this answer buried deep within a dense 70 pg contract, or something like that.

4th paragraph:
-Is the "layoffs" part necessary? Why don't you just start with "In the beginning of 2009..."?
-Ok so you spend the whole time talking about "looking for a needle in the haystack", but I don't think that you figuring out to look in the constitution about information regarding the constitutionality of something is a "needle in the haystack", or if it is it's a pretty damn big needle! You need to reframe this as "even though it seemed obvious to me to look to the constitution and supreme court rulings, finding the answer was still difficult due to..." You need to explain why finding this is like "a needle in the haystack", bc as it is written does not come across that way.
-its self -> itself

Conclusion- in general, I think this needs a lot of work. The biggest problem is this: I assume you are applying to US law schools to study US law; how would this help the people in other countries who have different laws?? You need to answer this question or it appears that you just put this stuff in as a "I want to help people" filler. A lot of the problems you are describing have solutions rooted in politics or education, and not directly in the US law. Maybe say that you want to work in an NGO that helps developing countries write new laws based on the US system to provide greater protections to these sorts of people. The bottom line is that you will not be able to effectively help these people simply as a US attorney, and if you were really interested in this you should provide more insight into your vision.

Hope that helps!

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Re: Worm's PS

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:59 pm

Wormfather wrote:Show me my errors oh faceless avatars.

Definitely a lot of potential here. In general this is really long, to get down to 2 pages double spaced you have to be under 750 words, about 300 less than you currently have. I think you also spend too much time going into details in some of your specific stories. You're telling a story about your growth as a person, you need to spend more time speaking about that. I would personally significantly reduce the middle paragraphs about your work experience, and spend more time talking about your return to undergrad. You want to qualify where you came from to help explain your transformation, but what they are most interested in is how you've transformed so focus on the recent past more.

Also, you don't directly address how you have excelled in school since having trouble in academics as a teenager. If you are going to do a story about how you've changed, you have to directly address all of your previous faults that were holding you back. You definitely allude to being much more interested in academics, but drive that shit home and say something about how you have since become the academic you never thought possible. Any weakness from your past you bring up has to be directly addressed and completely put to rest by the end of your PS.

Again though, you have great stuff to write about so you'll be golden. But you gotta condense the less relevant and depressing part of the story and focus more on your growth in recent years.
Last edited by Cobretti on Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Worm's PS

Postby laxbrah420 » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:01 pm

Last edited by laxbrah420 on Wed Nov 28, 2012 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Worm's PS

Postby BlaqBella » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:23 pm

Brutal honesty ahead:

Boring. You lost me after the first sentence. Way too much is going on. The reader can easily get lost here. Not to mention you get political at the end (ie "the United States spends so muh money on X and Y...").

Simple question for you: why law school?

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Re: Worm's PS

Postby Lurkington » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:30 pm


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