Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 21, 2012 2:50 pm

This is my PS round 2, anyone with any insight would you please share? Thank you!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

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danelhombre
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby danelhombre » Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:25 pm

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Last edited by danelhombre on Wed Oct 24, 2012 4:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:28 pm

danelhombre wrote:There are a couple grammatical things I would change. Some of the sentences run on a little long. Overall it is pretty good.


Thank you! Do you feel that it flows ok? One of my biggest worries is that when I stop talking about my grandfather and transition into my researching law more seriously that the reader might wonder if the first half was necesary.

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Honey_Badger
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby Honey_Badger » Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:39 pm

I'd take out the first sentence and start with "As my younger brother..."
Starts with better action.
The rest was tl; dr with great care. Sorry. If you are going to talk about your love of history, I would incorporate more of your motivations and less of the flowery language about Grandfather.
Also, you began man of your sentences with the word "I". Yes, the personal statement IS all about you, but try to remove it from so many sentences and rework your writing. You may find it flowing a bit better.
HTH

CanadianWolf
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:05 pm

Not good. Start over with a more refined theme, then write in crisp, clear sentences. As written, this appears to be more like the work product of a young high school student rather than that of a college student nearing graduation. Also, as another poster noted, reduce you use of the pronoun "I".

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elterrible78
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby elterrible78 » Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:19 pm

I am not a huge fan of critiquing other people's writing, but I'll give it a go here.

As a couple others have pointed out, you have some grammatical stuff going on that needs to be cleaned up. Words like "grandfather" and "father" should not be capitalized. You also have some serious run-on sentences, and as I recall, one of sentence was about the length of two run-on sentences combined, but ended up being a sentence fragment somehow.

A little bit of your prose works reasonably well (the last sentence in the first paragraph, about things defiantly standing the test of time and whatever), but more often than not things seem forced, and don't flow all that well. You could easily afford to cut about 2/3 of the adjectives from the entire thing, I think.

Although your grandfather said something about lifelong learning, and you mention that this had an impact on you, you don't address it at all until you bring it up somewhat randomly again at the end. Nothing about the essay really screams out "constant thirst for knowledge" to me.

I guess in a way it flows, but more than anything it seems like random stuff that is roughly cohesive but is being forced together. I feel like it is kind of a "why law" essay that meanders a bit.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. Keep working, and good luck.

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LoveLife89
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby LoveLife89 » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:07 am

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Last edited by LoveLife89 on Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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SumStalwart
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Re: Anyone!? Is my PS that bad that no one will read it!?

Postby SumStalwart » Mon Oct 22, 2012 2:41 am

First of all, are you trying to say "stripped" or "striped?" I think that you mean "striped," as in, an alternating pattern of lines. Change that. Now, you aren't really going to like this, but I think that you should revamp the tone-- it's a plodding pace. I mean, many of the personal statements are pretty long, but this one feels long.

CanadianWolf is correct, you start too many sentences with "I." It becomes monotonous.

Also, we don't get a sense of what skills you are bringing to the table. We can see that you do "some" research... and that you come from a knowledgeable family. I understand that you want to craft a "why law school" PS, but you also have to make room for other considerations.

If you haven't already read this, I would consider it: http://www.top-law-schools.com/guide-to ... ments.html

Pay close attention to the questions that law school admissions councils are going to be asking:
Have you demonstrated intellectual excellence?
Have you had a tangible impact on individuals or groups?
Have you demonstrated good leadership skills?
Have you had real-world experience?
Can you look at an issue from multiple perspectives?
What will you bring to our school?
What brings you to our school?

Keep working hard, man!




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