PS first draft--> Let me know what you think

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csexton182
Posts: 85
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:39 am

PS first draft--> Let me know what you think

Postby csexton182 » Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:38 am

3.8 GPA
161 LSAT
NON-URM

This is a pretty rough draft. Please let me know what you think. I would prefer some constructive criticism. I'll be applying in about 2 weeks. Thanks guys.

I woke up with a pounding headache and the lights intensifying the throbbing. Everyone around me was looking at me as I was completely disoriented. I saw dried up blood on my chest and tasted the sweat that was pouring off my face. Looking up, all I heard was “_______, you need to keep your chin down and stop crossing your feet!” without the slightest clue who had said it. In the ring with a golden gloves boxer, I had been stung by a strong right uppercut followed by a left hook that he delivered to me just moments ago, knocking me out in the process.
After that incident I was completely disheartened, fearful to step in the ring again. For weeks after that, I did everything in my power to avoid experiencing that again which comprised of endless shadow boxing with a tennis ball under my chin, bobbing and weaving exercises, and footwork drills.
After training for weeks, I mustered up the courage to get back in the ring with the same fighter. From bell to bell, all three rounds, I held my ground. I caught him with a strong one-two that put him on the canvas. I was bloodied up by the end, but I was on my feet and proud to have pushed through it. I had lost that fight, this time by decision, but was proud of myself for the effort I had put forth. To me, it wasn’t all about the win; I wanted to show myself that I could persist when forced to sink or swim. To this day, I am still in the gym day in and day out, with the intentions to better myself.
I grew up in a Philadelphia suburb living with my mother, and my father lived just down the street. We weren’t particularly wealthy, but we were thankful and quite content with what we had. As an adolescent, I was rarely given what I wanted. My parents made me work for everything and, for that lesson; I am forever indebted to them. Friends of mine would always tell me, “______, your parents are so hard on you”, and they were completely right. They were hard on me, they were mean at times, but they developed a man, they developed who I am today and for that, I am grateful.
Until I began college, I had relatively little regard for grades. While employed at a restaurant in high school, I had realized that I didn’t want to become like my co-workers, who had dropped out of school because they had little regard for their education. As I was departing for college in Florida they would fool around, saying things like “See you in a few weeks back here”. Except for my own parents, nobody truly believed I would be where I am today. It was especially hard for myself to do so, because I had never really thought of myself as intelligent. I was confused, unsure of what I was going to do simply because I had never really applied myself to the best of my ability or proved I was capable of such a thing. I wanted to be a successful and prosperous individual, but was uncertain on how to do so.
The day my parents left me at the train station, leaving for college, they told me something I would not forget. Standing on the platform they told me, “________, we’ve never been on you about your grades not because we don’t want to see you succeed, but more importantly, we want you to have your own desire to succeed.” All my life they have been granting me the autonomy to decide for myself what it is I want to do and have supported me whole-heartedly in whatever that was. Now was my opportunity to fulfill my goals and their desires simultaneously. Of course, there have been hardships and there have been failures, but it is now I realize that these have acted as stepping-stones to my success.
Beginning my first semester of college, I was terrified of what was to come. Like stepping into the boxing ring again, I knew this was a fresh start and an opportunity to prove my success to everyone and more importantly, to prove it to myself. I adapted well and, after my first year of college, I even sent a copy of my transcripts to my previous place of employment and they were awestruck. Though it seems relatively small, it was a huge accomplishment to me. I knew I had found my true self.
While in college, I have always had a job to help me finance necessities for myself. On top of being a full time student, I work 25-30 hours a week in order to pay for my basic needs. Though this is quite difficult to juggle with schoolwork, it has made me appreciate things much more. It’s much more rewarding to know that I have pushed myself that much harder and still made the grades.
Through my experiences, I feel I possess the perseverance, maturity, and ability to overcome any obstacle that is placed in front of me, and I feel that law school will provide a promising career ahead of me while also fulfilling my need of an admirable challenge. More than anything, I look forward to the difficult task that waits and the chance to prove to myself, once again, that I can push through it. I take pride in my hard work, and my ambition to succeed. Although, there is more than just making grades and hard work that have helped shape my character. I have proven to myself that even with the odds against you, even if at first you don’t believe in yourself, you can still push through and become successful in life. I have come to realize that it is not the grades, the accomplishments, or the goals I have conquered, but it is instead myself that I have conquered. Exemplary of my character, these attributes equip me with the necessary skills, desire, and commitment to succeed in law school.


Thanks guys, I greatly appreciate it.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS first draft--> Let me know what you think

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:41 am

DELETE: "...that he delivered to me..." in the first paragraph.

CHANGE: "...day in and day out..." to "daily" in the second paragraph. Also, CONSIDER: "I lost that fight." rather than "I had lost...."

CONSIDER: "comfortable" rather than "...thankful and quite content...." DELETE the semi-colon after "and for that lesson;" CONSIDER: "friends repeatedly remarked" or "friends repeatedly told me" rather than "friends would always tell me".

CHANGE: "Until I began college..." to "Until college,". CONSIDER: Deleting "relatively". CHANGE: "I had realized" to "I realized...." CONSIDER: "Before I left for college...".
CHANGE: "...they have been granting me..." to "they gave me...".
CONSIDER: "I have always worked to help pay for my needs...". DELETE & do not replace the next three (the final three) sentences of paragraph six.

CONSIDER: "My experiences show perserverance, maturity and the determination to succeed that will help me during law school." (DELETE the rest of that sentence.) "I look forward to the challenge knowing that how one tackles the journey is often as important as achieving the goal." DELETE the rest of the final paragraph.

These changes should make your essay more palatable. Your theme is solid, but, as a former boxer, I wonder about the type & weight of your opponent's boxing gloves. Your injuries remind me of a brand of Mexican boxing gloves (Reyes) used that caused unnecessary & extensive damage to fighters due to their light weight (6 oz.) and exposed stitching.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun Oct 21, 2012 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS first draft--> Let me know what you think

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 21, 2012 12:10 pm

My best advice for you, however, is to stop boxing.

csexton182
Posts: 85
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:39 am

Re: PS first draft--> Let me know what you think

Postby csexton182 » Sun Oct 21, 2012 12:43 pm

Thanks CanadianWolf, I greatly appreciate the input. Ill post a draft 2 sometime in the near future with some changes. As for the boxing, I'm pretty much done competitively. My opponent went on to the Olympic trials, and happened to be a pretty heavy hitter.

csexton182
Posts: 85
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:39 am

Re: PS first draft--> Let me know what you think

Postby csexton182 » Fri Oct 26, 2012 9:57 am

could anyone else help?

Thanks!




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