PLEASE CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT!

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

PLEASE CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT!

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:10 pm

Please be brutal- let me know if I need to completely refocus my idea, or if I'm better off staying away from this type of anecdote!

The steam rising off the track in late August served as a cruel reminder that my attempts to run through a sprinkler to cool off before the three mile time trial were futile at best. Try as I might, I knew the water on my skin would evaporate within minutes, and that my ability to best my competitors would come down to strategy in the brutal conditions.
I took a deep breath, and tried to relax. I stepped onto the starting line, and the race to determine if I could be a member of the X University varsity cross country team began. I fell in stride behind my competitors, allowing them to set the tempo early. After the first two laps, I started to pick up the pace. I passed my opponents, hoping to create an insurmountable gap as I increased my cadence. I blocked out all negative thoughts, and I realized that my competition was not able to respond to my surge in kind. I won the time trial- and earned my walk-on spot on the varsity cross country team three years after I first considered trying out for the team.
My first attempts to contact the varsity cross country coach about walking- on the cross country before my first year of college were met with a polite, but firm “no.” My times from high school were not fast enough to warrant any sort of further interest. Rather than forget about trying out for the team, I joined the X University club cross country team, and I endeavored to get faster so that one day I could try out for the varsity cross country team. I pushed myself through mile repeats, up hills, and against my teammates, attempting to increase my racing speed. In November of that year, I achieved a new personal best time in the 5k distance, but it was still not fast enough for me to make the standard to walk-on to the varsity team.
During my second year at X university, I struggled through my early season club cross country races. Whatever gains I had made during my freshman year vanished, and my goal of trying out for varsity faded. I constantly felt sluggish, and I wondered if I peaked as a first year college student. However, I still set the goal to improve my 5k time by the end of the season. I continued to push myself in workouts to attempt to improve my racing speed. I managed to set a personal record in the 5k in November 2011 despite an entire season filled with bad races. With this new best time, my old dreams of attempting to try out for varsity surfaced once more. I privately wondered if I could attempt to walk-on X’s varsity cross country team, even though I was no longer a first year student.
During the summer of 2012, I knew that I was going to graduate a year early. I decided I would forever regret not trying out for X’s varsity cross country team for fear of failure or embarrassment. I enlisted the help of my high school coach to help me make the X varsity cross country team. Rather than shun my unusual request, he helped make me a schedule filled with challenging, yet motivating workouts to attempt to ready me for late August, when I would try out for the X varsity cross country team. I re-doubled my efforts to make the team by increasing my mileage, and running twice a day.
When I contacted X University's new head Cross Country coach, he told me was that he had reservations about how old I was in comparison to typical first-year walk-ons. I told him I was aware that my situation was unorthodox, but I requested that he give me a chance to walk on the varsity team. After several more e-mail exchanges, he relented, and agreed to let me try out.
Now that I am on the team, my work is far from over. I live the life of a varsity athlete, attempting to balance my academics, hours of practice each day, and volunteering in the community. I’ve decided to not settle on just becoming a member of the team. I’ve already moved onto my next goal- scoring for the team during a race. I never give up, I refocus after failure, and I know when to ask for help or advice when I need it. I know my dedication, and hard work I exhibit through my running will be an asset to me in my studies at X Law School.

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Br3v
Posts: 4174
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:18 pm

Re: PLEASE CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT!

Postby Br3v » Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:13 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Please be brutal- let me know if I need to completely refocus my idea, or if I'm better off staying away from this type of anecdote!

The steam rising off the track in late August served as a cruel reminder that my attempts to run through a sprinkler to cool off before the three mile time trial were futile at best. Try as I might, I knew the water on my skin would evaporate within minutes, and that my ability to best my competitors would come down to strategy in the brutal conditions.
I took a deep breath, and tried to relax. I stepped onto the starting line, and the race to determine if I could be a member of the X University varsity cross country team began. I fell in stride behind my competitors, allowing them to set the tempo early. After the first two laps, I started to pick up the pace. I passed my opponents, hoping to create an insurmountable gap as I increased my cadence. I blocked out all negative thoughts, and I realized that my competition was not able to respond to my surge in kind. I won the time trial- and earned my walk-on spot on the varsity cross country team three years after I first considered trying out for the team.
My first attempts to contact the varsity cross country coach about walking- on the cross country before my first year of college were met with a polite, but firm “no.” My times from high school were not fast enough to warrant any sort of further interest. Rather than forget about trying out for the team, I joined the X University club cross country team, and I endeavored to get faster so that one day I could try out for the varsity cross country team. I pushed myself through mile repeats, up hills, and against my teammates, attempting to increase my racing speed. In November of that year, I achieved a new personal best time in the 5k distance, but it was still not fast enough for me to make the standard to walk-on to the varsity team.
During my second year at X university, I struggled through my early season club cross country races. Whatever gains I had made during my freshman year vanished, and my goal of trying out for varsity faded. I constantly felt sluggish, and I wondered if I peaked as a first year college student. However, I still set the goal to improve my 5k time by the end of the season. I continued to push myself in workouts to attempt to improve my racing speed. I managed to set a personal record in the 5k in November 2011 despite an entire season filled with bad races. With this new best time, my old dreams of attempting to try out for varsity surfaced once more. I privately wondered if I could attempt to walk-on X’s varsity cross country team, even though I was no longer a first year student.
During the summer of 2012, I knew that I was going to graduate a year early. I decided I would forever regret not trying out for X’s varsity cross country team for fear of failure or embarrassment. I enlisted the help of my high school coach to help me make the X varsity cross country team. Rather than shun my unusual request, he helped make me a schedule filled with challenging, yet motivating workouts to attempt to ready me for late August, when I would try out for the X varsity cross country team. I re-doubled my efforts to make the team by increasing my mileage, and running twice a day.
When I contacted X University's new head Cross Country coach, he told me was that he had reservations about how old I was in comparison to typical first-year walk-ons. I told him I was aware that my situation was unorthodox, but I requested that he give me a chance to walk on the varsity team. After several more e-mail exchanges, he relented, and agreed to let me try out.
Now that I am on the team, my work is far from over. I live the life of a varsity athlete, attempting to balance my academics, hours of practice each day, and volunteering in the community. I’ve decided to not settle on just becoming a member of the team. I’ve already moved onto my next goal- scoring for the team during a race. I never give up, I refocus after failure, and I know when to ask for help or advice when I need it. I know my dedication, and hard work I exhibit through my running will be an asset to me in my studies at X Law School.


Lets start: it is not horrible. It is an ok story about you wanting to make the team.

The question I have however, is what does this have to do with law school? Now, one does not have to write about the law in their essay, but I feel like you could roll this story over to involve that.

My sugestion: You could recap this entire essay in alike two paragraphs. It was obvious where the story was going. I would recap it shorter then use ot to jump into a more encompasing thing such as how you learned that hard work pays off, etc. Though make it les trite than how I jsut explained it.




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