**PS - Please Be BRUTAL!**

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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**PS - Please Be BRUTAL!**

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:37 pm

My parents, both of which are required to work full-time to support my sister and I, know all too well of the sacrifices that must be made in order to allow their children access to the opportunities that they themselves never had. At the time, I did not know how perceive the hard work and dedication my parents endured. It was not until I made my own choice to enter the workforce that I not only began to appreciate what my parents have done, but also how I have become keen in every decision I have made leading to my successes.

I was a 17 year old high school senior when I earned my first full-time position with XXX. Being shown firsthand what hard work and dedication could accomplish led to some of the most fruitful experiences I could have imagined throughout my college carrier. Although not a traditional college experience, I elected to attend my local community college full-time while balancing a 40-hour work week. Although being tough to balance, working allowed me to develop skills I could not learn in the classroom. More importantly, working paved the way for an alternative environment to apply what I was learning in the classroom.

As I managed myself through the organization, I gained full-fledged confidence in myself to achieve anything I set my mind to. Transferring to XXX University my junior year was a testament to my devotion to myself and the battles fought through my college experience. Becoming a leader within XXX gave me the flexibility needed to be able put more emphasis on my school work, and allowed me to excel. While continuing to balance a 40 plus-hour work week, I became determined to set myself apart in order gain admission into XXX’s highly sought after Honors Marketing Program. This determination in junction with both my experience from work and performance in the classroom earned my entry into the program. Having led a team outside an academic setting, I was easily able to adapt to my peers whom I would spend the next year with, and was able to stand out as a leader in the classroom. In addition, I was able to fine tune my written and oral communication skills, as well as gain more tangible real world experience.

From both successes with my tenure with XXX and in the classroom, I was offered the opportunity of my current job with XXX as an Account Manager. It is here where I interact and negotiate with legal teams both within my organization and with my customers on a weekly basis. As I have excelled in this role, I have grown an astonishing passion and curiosity in transactional legal matters. From these experiences, I have grown certain of my desire to enter into law school. This transition is necessary broaden my knowledge and experience and is what will allow me pursue a career in transactional law.

As I look back at what I have accomplished, continuing to grow and learn along with the yearning to fine tune my strengths is what has allowed me to succeed. I am more than certain that this determination in junction with my experiences will allow me to continue to succeed as I make this next transition into law school.

PhoenixWright
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Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 1:56 pm

Re: **PS - Please Be BRUTAL!**

Postby PhoenixWright » Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:52 pm

"both of whom" not "both of which"
"I did not know how perceive" - not English.
"I have become keen" - seems like a nonstandard use of "keen".
17-year-old? Not sure on the hyphens.
Did you balance the working, or did you balance working with classroom?
I am not astonished by your legal passion - but maybe you can astonish me with examples.
Your experiences have made you certain of your desire to enter law school - why? What experiences?
Lots of other vagueness: "some of the most fruitful experiences" "achieve anything I set my mind to", etc.

I read this and concluded that you are ambitious, and that you have done work tangential to the law, but I have no idea why you want to get a law degree or be a lawyer.

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SumStalwart
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Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:37 am

Re: **PS - Please Be BRUTAL!**

Postby SumStalwart » Sun Oct 21, 2012 7:57 am

I think that PheonixWright covered many of the things. I would like to add "in conjunction" rather than "junction."

Give us a sense of what your experiences really were. Right now, it seems like you are listing your resume. The purpose of the PS is to give the admissions councils a writing sample, a sense of who you are, the things that you have done that can relate to law (that is, give them things that they cannot just find from looking at your resume-- keep the topics, but elaborate), why you want to practice law, and what you hope to accomplish with a Juris Doctor.

This is a good skeleton-- it gives you a sense of where you want to take your PS, but you should fill it out. In line with TLS wisdom, "make your personal statement do work for you."

Good luck!

Edit: Clarified a part of my post.




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