Should I rewrite this intro?

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Anonymous User
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Should I rewrite this intro?

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Oct 19, 2012 5:23 pm

A question can have added significance depending on who asks. “When are you going to live your life?” My friends used to ask me this question a lot when I was younger. They were referring to my level of commitment to my family. To them I always seemed to be busy; I went home straight after school, and never seemed to have time to watch a movie on the weekends. My Korean upbringing undoubtedly affected my understanding of family and responsibility. I grew up acutely aware of how my actions and life choices affected those closest to me. My family was deeply traditional and I grew up embracing my culture’s Confucian values of collectivism, harmony, and “hyo” or filial piety. Moreover, my role as the "changnam" of the family, or the eldest son, magnified my responsibilities towards my family. However, when my brother (name) asked me this question a few years ago, I began to seriously reflect on what it is I wanted for myself, especially in a career. My decision to pursue a career in the law is still intimately tied to my family. However, it is a way for me to honor my duties to my family, and my community while pursuing my dreams.

Anonymous User
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Re: Should I rewrite this intro?

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 20, 2012 9:37 pm

bump

Anonymous User
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Re: Should I rewrite this intro?

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Any and all input would be extremely helpful...

NightmanCometh
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Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 9:03 pm

Re: Should I rewrite this intro?

Postby NightmanCometh » Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:33 pm

I think it's going to depend on the rest of your essay. By itself, the intro itself sounds pretty cliche and overdone. I can tell you as a fellow 2nd gen Korean that law schools have probably seen tons of these kinds of essays over the years (your scenario is quite common). If the rest of your essay is going to shine, then you can probably get away with it. But if this breaks off into another vanilla essay bout Korean family values with some resume regurgitation, etc etc, then it won't be a strong essay imho.

As for the intro itself, I don't see any glaring mistakes, but the last sentence is a bit strange: "My decision to pursue a career in the law is still intimately tied to my family. However, it is a way for me to honor my duties to my family, and my community while pursuing my dreams." -> "However" should indicate a shift in tone or idea, but you still bring up the family aspect. Also the duties to community seems to come out of nowhere...you should probably elaborate.

Just my thoughts- hope that helps!

roranoa
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Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:18 am

Re: Should I rewrite this intro?

Postby roranoa » Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:34 am

This could be a nice concluding paragraph than an intro.

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Br3v
Posts: 4174
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Re: Should I rewrite this intro?

Postby Br3v » Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:22 am

I like it




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