Tear this apart, PM for trade (Good Critic/Mundane Writer)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
anteater1
Posts: 610
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:37 am

Tear this apart, PM for trade (Good Critic/Mundane Writer)

Postby anteater1 » Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:43 pm

Feel free to PM for a trade, like I said I'm a pretty good critic but a boring writer IMO.


Perhaps it was destiny that I would end up working and volunteering for most of my life in Bellflower, a lower-income town wedged in the area where the Orange and Los Angeles Counties meet. My grandparent’s romance that spanned nearly 50 years began in 1961 when they graduated together from Bellflower High, surprisingly enough the only school that would give my mother a chance to conduct high school band in an era dominated by her male counterparts. Shortly after my moms hiring a young sheriff was called to an incident in her classroom and once again a romance was spurred; I was born two short years later. Bellflower lacks much to distinguish it from the dull grey surroundings that classify the outskirts of a decaying industrial landscape. It is remarkable then that a city that appears so forgettable has made such a profound impact on my life.

From an early age both of my parents instilled in me the utmost importance of public good and it was only fitting that Bellflower would become the building ground for my own dedication to civic duty. Before I could legally work I dedicated my time by volunteering in various capacities and throughout my working career have become an integral part of the community. The people of Bellflower have become much more to me than just students, peers and mentors; they have become my family. Likely the most important part of my experience has been with my students who have fulfilled the rolls of pupil, peer, and mentor. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m constantly criticized and tutored by my 7th grade students on the Spanish language despite 4 years of high school study.

My experiences in Bellflower are categorized by great joys and great sadness. I’ve seen students completely change their lives around and others who were not so fortunate. Deja, a blind pianist I taught some 7 years ago, has recently gained admission into a conservatory for music. Zymira, who I tutored in 7th and 8th grade, became the first in her family to go to a university. Unfortunately, not all stories turned out so well. Jarrad, a student I had the privilege of teaching from 7th to 12th grade, was struck down by a reckless drunk driver and a lack of a seatbelt. Jarrad unfortunately is no different than Michael, my former student gunned down in a drive by shooting, or Karl, who overdosed on drugs. All died far too young, victims of circumstance and a socio-economic system that made their childhood and teen years much more difficult than need be.

Both these triumphs and tribulations are the largest contributing factors for my decision to go to law school. As an attorney I will have some of the tools to advocate for the necessary changes to better the circumstances in which future children like my students live. Resources currently provided to Bellflower schools are both underfunded and poorly allocated. One of my deepest desires is that I will be able to shape Bellflower and other similar cities through legal advocacy that fits the needs of the underprivileged; maybe then I can begin to give back to the community that has given so much to me.

User avatar
anteater1
Posts: 610
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:37 am

Re: Tear this apart, PM for trade (Good Critic/Mundane Writer)

Postby anteater1 » Fri Oct 19, 2012 3:55 pm

v.2 bump, help anyone?


Perhaps it was destiny that I would end up working and volunteering for most of my life in Bellflower, a lower-income town wedged in the area where the Orange and Los Angeles Counties meet. My grandparent’s romance which spanned nearly 50 years began in 1961 when they graduated together from Bellflower High, surprisingly enough the only school that would give my mother a chance to conduct high school band in an era dominated by her male counterparts. Shortly after my mom's hiring, a young sheriff was called to an incident in her classroom, and once again a romance was forged; I was born two short years later. Bellflower lacks much to distinguish it from the dull grey surroundings that classify the outskirts of a decaying industrial landscape. It is remarkable, then, that a city that appears so forgettable has had such a profound impact on my life.

From an early age, both of my parents instilled in me the utmost importance of public good; it was only fitting that Bellflower would become the starting ground for my own dedication to civic duty. Before I could legally work, I dedicated my time by volunteering in various capacities. Throughout my working career, I have become an integral part of the community. The people of Bellflower have become much more to me than just students, peers and mentors; they have become my family. The most important part of my experience has been with my students, who have fulfilled the roles of pupil, peer, and mentor. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m constantly criticized and tutored by my 7th grade students on the Spanish language despite 4 years of high school study.

My experiences in Bellflower are marked by great joys and great sadnesses. I’ve seen students completely turn their lives around and others who were not so fortunate. Deja, a blind pianist I taught some 7 years ago, was recently admitted into a conservatory for music. Zymira, whom I tutored in 7th and 8th grade, became the first in her family to go to a university. Unfortunately, not all stories turned out so well. Jarrad, a student I had the privilege of teaching from 7th to 12th grade, was struck down by a reckless drunk driver. Jarrad met a similar fate to Michael, my former student gunned down in a drive by shooting; so did Karl, who overdosed on drugs. All died far too young, victims of circumstance and a socio-economic system which made their childhood and teen years much more difficult than they should have been.

These triumphs and tribulations are the largest factors in my decision to go to law school. As an attorney, I will have the tools to advocate for the changes necessary to improve the circumstances of children like my students. Resources currently provided to Bellflower schools are both scarce and poorly allocated. One of my deepest desires is to shape Bellflower and other similar cities through legal advocacy that meets the needs of the underprivileged; perhaps then I can begin to give back to the community that has given so much to me.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Tear this apart, PM for trade (Good Critic/Mundane Writer)

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Oct 19, 2012 5:07 pm

anteater1 wrote:v.2 bump, help anyone?


Perhaps it was destiny that I would end up working and volunteering for most of my life in Bellflower, a lower-income town wedged in the area where the Orange and Los Angeles Counties meet what?. My grandparent’s romance which spanned nearly 50 years began in 1961 when they graduated together from Bellflower High, surprisingly enough the only school that would give my mother a chance to conduct high school band in an era dominated by her male counterparts. Shortly after my mom's hiring as the conductor?, a young sheriff was called to an incident in her classroom, and once again a romance was forged; I was born two short years later. Bellflower lacks much to distinguish it from the dull grey surroundings that classify the outskirts of a decaying industrial landscape. It is remarkable, then, that a city that appears so forgettable has had such a profound impact on my life.
WEIRD opening paragraph.

From an early age, both of my parents instilled in me the utmost importance of public good. It was only fitting that Bellflower would become the starting ground for my own dedication to civic duty. Before I could legally work, I dedicated my time by volunteering in various capacities. Throughout my working working or volunteering? career, I have become an integral part of the community. The people of Bellflower have become much more to me than just students, peers and mentors; they have become my family. The most important part of my experience has been with my students, who have fulfilled the roles of pupil, peer, and mentor. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m constantly criticized and tutored by my 7th grade students on the Spanish language despite 4 years of high school study.

My experiences in Bellflower are marked by great joys and great sadnesses. I’ve seen students completely turn their lives around and others who were not so fortunate. Deja, a blind pianist I taught some 7 years ago, was recently admitted into a conservatory for music. Zymira, whom I tutored in 7th and 8th grade, became the first in her family to go to a university. Unfortunately, not all stories turned out so well. Jarrad, a student I had the privilege of teaching from 7th to 12th grade, was struck down by a reckless drunk driver. Jarrad met a similar fate to Michael, my former student gunned down in a drive by shooting; so did Karl, who overdosed on drugs. All died far too young, victims of circumstance and a socio-economic system which made their childhood and teen years much more difficult than they should have been. Way to bring this in all the way at the end and not mention it literally until just now.

These triumphs and tribulations are the largest factors in my decision to go to law school. As an attorney, I will have the tools to advocate for the changes necessary to improve the circumstances of children like my students how so?. Resources currently provided to Bellflower schools are both scarce and poorly allocated. One of my deepest desires is to shape Bellflower and other similar cities through legal advocacy that meets the needs of the underprivileged; perhaps then I can begin to give back to the community that has given so much to me.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Tear this apart, PM for trade (Good Critic/Mundane Writer)

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Oct 29, 2012 3:19 pm

Here's your constructive criticism:

This needs work. Honestly, the topic isn't very good. You're looking for something/a topic that makes you seem empathetic but you fall flat. Your first paragraph is bizarre and needs to go. The parts where you talk about your parents getting together isn't appropriate whatsoever. Your strongest point is in paragraph three. The bad part is that you don't really bring anything into focus until THAT paragraph when you actually hit on something worth writing about. The first two paragraphs are unnecessary if you choose to elaborate on your students. That is a better topic than whatever else you have going on in the other two paragraphs.

Please don't complain the next time somebody does edits on your PS. As far as I see, nobody else even stepped up to the plate to help you.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.