2nd Draft Please Critique HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!

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aprsh8na
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2012 3:38 pm

2nd Draft Please Critique HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Postby aprsh8na » Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:30 pm

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt said it first, but I remember my mother saying it repeatedly throughout my life. I lived by that until my mother passed away; when she died I was left alone and devastated, she was my mentor and my best friend. Without her strength and encouragement not only were others allowed to make me feel inferior, I began to feel inferior.
After my mother’s death I felt a huge void in my life that I tried to fill with romantic relationships, to try and make me feel whole again. I got married and had a beautiful daughter, but I still felt empty, so I got divorced. I got into another relationship; this relationship validated that I had completely submitted to allowing the men in my life to make me feel inferior, and would lead me to the lowest point in my life.
His name was Bo, he was amazing he adored my daughter and I; and we adored him. But it wouldn’t take long before that adoration would turn to fear and loathing. This relationship lasted six years during which time I had another daughter, and at the time of my escape I was pregnant with a son. The relationship took abuse to levels that I had only heard about before - physical, emotional, verbal…by the time that I was able to finally escape my self-esteem, self worth and any sense of self importance was shattered. I relocated to a new town several hours away from anyone and everyone I had ever known, I couldn’t call or visit for fear that he would find me. I didn’t let anyone know where I was as I knew from the past that he was not beyond threatening or hurting people to find me and I refused to put anyone in that situation again.
So there I was in a new place, with three children, with a few personal items, and almost no money. I was an emotional wreck; I was alone and afraid. I had no means of being able to cope with all that had happened in my life. I thought this fresh start would be just what I needed. In this new place, I would be able to recreate myself as a strong independent woman; and that no one would ever see the broken shell that I had become. Unfortunately, I lacked the self confidence to do that. I needed something that would give me an edge. I experimented with drugs in the past, however, here in this small town, in this emotional state, I quickly met all the wrong people and was introduced to the drug that I felt gave me the courage to move forward in my life. I was so far down emotionally that it was easy for addiction to take control of my life and before long I was using to live and living to use. When I was using I felt that I was on top of my game; I was confident and strong; I could talk to anyone; I had no fear. To coin a phrase “I was ten feet tall and bullet proof.” I thought this was the edge for which I had been looking. That this; would get me back in the mainstream. I could not have been more wrong.
My feelings of being invincible led me to make decisions that landed me in dangerous situations. On December 16, 2005 my world came crashing down. My children were placed in state custody and I was arrested for child endangerment. I had never been in any real trouble with the law, but this time things were different. Court proceedings followed, the judge and everyone involved told me I had a drug problem, I told them they were wrong, I was terrified, there was no way I could give up the one thing that made me feel I could finally function. I just wanted my kids back and to be left alone. The court battle would last almost three years. They wanted me to get myself together but I felt they had taken my only reason to live…
About two or three months into the battle it was suggested that I attend a twelve step meeting. Perhaps I would hear something that would help me. At first I was closed-minded I still didn’t think that I had a problem; I didn’t want to be there. But I could identify with others in the rooms, their feelings of being unlovable and unimportant to everyone including themselves. After nine months of struggling in and out of the rooms, I surrendered that I was an addict, and I didn’t want to die that way. That was November 5, 2006. Since that date I have never used again.
I got a sponsor and began working the 12 steps, I really got in touch with who I am, and learned how to deal with my feelings without using. With every step I gained a little more confidence, I got stronger, and began to like who I am. I was not the horrible person I believed myself to be, I had just made some really bad decisions. I also stopped blaming everyone else for my situation; I took responsibility for my actions and accepted my consequences with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child. I started doing service work within the fellowship starting in my home group, and quickly moving up to the Area level today I am the Chairperson of the Area, I sponsor 8 women, and speak frequently at functions, conventions, and most recently at a local high school. I serve on the Hospitals and Institutions Sub-Committee and take a meeting into the women at the Randolph County Jail twice and month and I do a presentation quarterly to the Randolph County Drug Court
After 20 years of wandering aimlessly, I went back to school; I realized I needed to do something, anything to give my life purpose; I started working on a degree in Criminal Justice. I wanted to understand the process, and I was in awe of my attorney. He knew what to do. After finishing my AAS in Criminal Justice I began to work on my BS in Legal Studies. Once I started learning about the law, I knew somehow, someway, I had to be a part of it. My good grades and excellent GPA helped to reinforce this decision for me.
At three months clean, I started working at McDonalds and was able to I put myself through school, I attended classes at night and somehow found the time to be a full-time mom as well. My children were returned to my custody on February 1st, 2008. I wanted to set an example for my children by going to college, and most days I think my children are as proud of me as I am of them. Through hard work, determination and my newly acquired education, I now work for the lawyer who represented me throughout this entire process.
What I realize is that while these experiences have changed my life forever, they have taught me that I have the power to be the change that I want to see in the world. As a lawyer, I am confident that I can make a difference in my community; just as my attorney made a difference in my life.

alex.feuerman
Posts: 147
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2012 2:32 pm

Re: 2nd Draft Please Critique HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Postby alex.feuerman » Thu Oct 18, 2012 10:12 am

Take this out: After my mother’s death I felt a huge void in my life that I tried to fill with romantic relationships, to try and make me feel whole again. I got married and had a beautiful daughter, but I still felt empty, so I got divorced

Reduce this to one sentence (more than than is just TMI....not of the good kind):His name was Bo, he was amazing he adored my daughter and I; and we adored him. But it wouldn’t take long before that adoration would turn to fear and loathing. This relationship lasted six years during which time I had another daughter, and at the time of my escape I was pregnant with a son. The relationship took abuse to levels that I had only heard about before - physical, emotional, verbal…by the time that I was able to finally escape my self-esteem, self worth and any sense of self importance was shattered.

Personally, I would not mention your drug use at all. Just don't, ok? Maybe say this: On December 16, 2005 my world came crashing down. My children were placed in state custody and I was arrested for child endangerment. I had never been in any real trouble with the law, but this time things were different.

And don't offer any reason why the court took your kids. Say that you went to counseling to get yourself together re: your emotional issues, and then go back to "I got a sponsor and began working the 12 steps, I really got in touch with who I am, and learned how to deal with my feelings without using. "

Everything you talk about after that sentence is amazing, the way that you started working again, dealing with your grief and studying is amazing. Raising three kids as a single mom is amazing, highlight THAT. In short, this essay largely highlights your faults, this isn't an english lit. self-expression essay. You are trying to gain admission into law school. Highlight how you picked yourself up and got your life back together. It IS very impressive, congrats.

aprsh8na
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2012 3:38 pm

Re: 2nd Draft Please Critique HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Postby aprsh8na » Thu Oct 18, 2012 10:41 am

Thank you for responding I will do some more editing and adjusting and re-post




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