How much does this statement suck?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 271111
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

How much does this statement suck?

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Oct 16, 2012 9:47 pm

Ask any veteran what changed about him/her during their military service, a number of veterans would say they learned discipline, a sense of purpose, or duty to their country. Personally I learned through the ups and downs of my military career the value of leadership and sacrifice. Throughout my United States Air Force career my character and commitment was tested on a regular basis. The path I took to get to this point was not easy but it was definitely worth the effort and time I put into it. Currently I am a Staff Sergeant in the United States Air Force Reserves, a fire team leader, and second in command of my squad. I am a member of the Rising Six organization on xxxxx Air Force Base in California,the Rising Six plans and implements changes that younger airmen would like to see implemented on our military installation. I also serve as a physical training leader and participate yearly in the Air Force Marathon in Wright Patterson Ohio.

Although I am proud of my United States Air Force career, I did not always have that belief. In 2009 I suffered an injury while serving in xxxxx, Iraq. I had to be separated from my unit and was sent back to the United States for reconstructive surgery. Although the injury was not my fault, I felt that I let my home station down and felt guilty that I was going home early. The sense of disappointment and guilt along with the rigors of physical therapy was at times almost too much for me to deal with. During the pain of physical therapy along with the loneliness of being separated from my unit I told myself that I wanted to quit the military. Instead of quitting I took the advice of one of my squad leaders and enlisted into the United States Air Force Reserves. After physical therapy I threw myself into college and my first semester back from Iraq I earned a 4.0 and onto the Dean’s List.

I did not understand the value of my military experience until I began working at xxxxxxxx in Oceanside California; I was employed as a Mail Clerk/ Administration Clerk. I began my career at xxxxxxxx as a temporary employee, every day I came into work with the same mind set I had in the Air Force, motivated and volunteered for any assignments to prove myself capable. My reward came when the Director of Planning called me into his office and offered me a full time position. I jumped at the opportunity and gratefully accepted the position; I found the same sense of duty working for the citizens of San Diego County as I did being employed in the United States Air Force. In the upcoming years I attended class on a part time basis because my working duties did not allow me to commit to a full school load.

In 2011 I was accepted into Cal State xxxxx and had to make a choice between my education and job at xxxxxx. While it was possible to work full time and also attend school, I could not fully commit myself to my education upon the constraints of my position at xxxxxx. I decided to resign from my position to attend class full time. Leaving a good paying government job in a recession was not an easy decision, but I have never regretted it. I now work part time for a Credit Union that tailors to the military and am still enlisted in the Air Force Reserves.

Throughout my education and civilian employment I am thankful that I continued my career in the United States Air Force Reserves. The United States Air Force allowed me to grow as a person and a leader. I owe all my success to the military and the life lessons that accompanied my military career. My military experience along with my civilian experience would make me a great candidate for law school. I plan to use my law degree to work in the Judge Advocate General office for the United States Air Force. I hope to spend my career repaying the United States Air Force back for everything they have given me.

Mister Gold
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:54 pm

Re: How much does this statement suck?

Postby Mister Gold » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:54 pm

Fellow Airman here btw.

My initial reaction to your PS is that it reads too much like a summary of your resume. Each paragraph routinely describes your current work or school, yet it all blends together without stirring much emotion. It's not poorly written, and it certainly doesn't "suck", but I don't feel that your strengths shine through to their full potential.

Perhaps there is a story from your time in Iraq that you could tell in order to play to the reader's emotions a bit? Your military experience and history of deployment set you apart from the pack, but I think you could get the most out of it if you give some more personal and specific info.

The admissions committee will already have a copy of your resume in front of them while they are reading your PS, so you want to give them info that they don't already know. Instead of listing which jobs you held and how you felt about them, you could perhaps focus on what you learned from each job, or how you overcame specific challanges at certain places.

I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.