2nd draft.. dont hold back!

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Steve2207
Posts: 253
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 6:31 pm

2nd draft.. dont hold back!

Postby Steve2207 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:14 pm

Ok Ive done some tweaking, let me know what you guys think.. What would you rate this 1 through 10?


I have never allowed myself to believe that anything is unattainable. Struggles have certainly came and gone throughout my life, but I have remained faithful that believing in myself and overcoming life’s tragedies is the only key to success that I have. Even upon reflection of the awkward moments I had growing up in a poor neighborhood, wearing clothes that weren’t “in style”, or riding the school bus all four years of high school because I had no other means of transportation, I still cannot recall one instance in which I doubted my worth. I convinced myself early on in life that being poor didn’t make me stupid, or dirty, or any less capable of becoming a success. By the time I was twenty one years old I felt fairly accomplished in life. I had managed to be the first in my family to graduate high school, and I had successfully served my country as a United States Marine. Afterward, I obtained employment with a very successful local business which paid generously enough for me to live comfortably with my wife and newborn child. It became very important for me as a new father to protect my child from the disadvantages that I experienced, yet at the same time provide him with an example that hard work and determination will lead a person to success. Sadly, a new chapter of my life began at this time which presented another struggle we all must overcome eventually. Within a three year period, a total of ten of my very close friends and family passed away in separate instances. I began to look at life differently after this traumatic string of deaths, and what I wanted for myself and my family. I began to realize that perhaps my “good job” within the community was actually pretty mediocre, and I began to wonder what I would be remembered for when my life came to an end. Going to the same job day after day and providing for my family would certainly be commendable, but was I capable of more? Should I dare leave the safety of a successful business that pays well in a failing economy to pursue an education? I was very fearful to make such a bold decision, but my instinct kept insisting that I could accomplish more, and that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn’t began to pursue something better for myself and my family.
Taking a leap of faith, I gave a months’ notice with my employer and began working toward an associate degree in Paralegal Studies. The introductions into the separate areas of the law left me both excited and curious to learn more. The same instinct inside me that insisted I pursue an education was beginning to suggest that I embark on a journey to become a practicing attorney! By the time I graduated magna cum laude with my associate’s degree I was already overwhelmed with the decision to pursue a Juris Doctorate. I had even enrolled in a joint Homeland Security & Public Safety program at my university in which I could obtain the required baccalaureate degree to gain admission into law school. I quickly realized that the Homeland Security & Public Safety program was not only a wise choice for me because it offered a certain type of degree, but the area also explained more about the judicial process which excited me. In addition, the program encouraged public speaking and open discussion or debate within the classroom which have helped to improve my speaking skills, and I expect this will assist me in my legal education. Above all, the program presented an opportunity for me to serve an internship under a local Judge at the [OMMITTED] Court in [OMMITTED], Indiana. This experience allowed me to witness two hundred hours of court proceedings which added to my excitement about the law, but also lead to a realization. My internal intuition that had gotten me this far in my education was leading me to this, and I knew it then more than ever.
Sadly, tragedy recently struck again in the fall of 2012 with the unexpected death of my mother, and I am once again reminded of how short life is and how important it is for a person to pursue what is they have become inspired to do. My journey hasn’t been an easy one up until this point, and I expect a legal education will have its challenges as well. However, the best way I know to honor the ones I love that are gone today is to pursue my dreams, and become the success that I know I can be. I have never doubted my worth, but now is my time to prove my true value to myself and the ones I love.

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Steve2207
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Re: 2nd draft.. dont hold back!

Postby Steve2207 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:26 pm

Bump, I could really use some criticism here. I dont know if I should take the lack of comments as a good sign, or a bad one.

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LoveLife89
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Re: 2nd draft.. dont hold back!

Postby LoveLife89 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:44 pm

Steve2207 wrote:Ok Ive done some tweaking, let me know what you guys think.. What would you rate this 1 through 10?


I have never allowed myself to believe that anything is unattainable. Struggles have certainly came (The auxillary verb for come, is come. Came is only correct for past tense) and gone throughout my life, but I have remained faithful that believing in myself and overcoming life’s tragedies is the only key to success that I have. Even upon reflection of the awkward moments I had growing up in a poor neighborhood, wearing clothes that weren’t “in style”, or riding the school bus all four years of high school because I had no other means of transportation, I still cannot recall one instance in which I doubted my worth.(This is awkward and needs fixing. I am trying to fix it in my head, but I just can't at the moment. It isn't a fragment or a run on, but maybe the words are just incorrectly placed.) I convinced myself early on in life that being poor didn’t (contracts do not belong in a formal paper. It will be seen as colloquial by the adcom. You used it in the previous sentence, but use this to fix every other contraction) make me stupid, or dirty, or any less capable of becoming a success (successful). By the time I was twenty one years old, I felt fairly accomplished in life (When you have a sentence like this, I am left wondering where did this come from because before this, you spoke about not feeling less than because of your socioeconomic status. So, I think you should change this to, "By age twenty-one, different acts in my life allowed me to feel like an accomplished individual." This lets the reader know that the next sentence will touch on this notion). I had managed to be the first in my family to graduate high school, and I had successfully served my country as a United States Marine. Afterward, I obtained employment with a very successful local business which paid generously enough (generally paid) for me to live comfortably with my wife and newborn child. It became very important for me as a new father to protect my child from the disadvantages that I experienced, yet (while, instead of yet, also providing him with the model that hard work and determination can lead a person to succes.)at the same time provide him with an example that hard work and determination will lead a person to success. Sadly, a new chapter of my life began at this time which presented another struggle we all must overcome eventually. Within a three year period, a total of ten of my very close friends and family passed away in separate instances. I began to look at life differently after the traumatic string of deaths, and what I wanted for myself and my family. I began to realize that perhaps my “good job” within the community was actually pretty mediocre, and I began to wonder what I would be remembered for when my life came to an end. Going to the same job day after day and providing for my family would certainly be commendable, but was I capable of more? Should I dare leave the safety of a successful business that pays well in a failing economy to pursue an education? I was very fearful to make such a bold decision, but my instinct kept insisting that I could accomplish more, and that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn’t began to pursue something better for myself and my family.
This paragraph needs to be condensed or split up into separate paragraphs. You have many differing ideas in this one paragraph. I am told about your upbringing, then you being a husband and father, then to the unfortunate deaths in your family, to rethinking your future. This is too much. If these were different paragraphs, I apologize for my shitty Mac.

Taking a leap of faith, I gave a months’ (month's) notice with my employer and began working toward an associate degree in Paralegal Studies. The introductions into the separate areas of the law left me both excited and curious to learn more. The same instinct inside me that insisted I pursue an education was beginning to suggest that I embark on a journey to become a practicing attorney! (No. You need to find a better way to do this because it seems phony. I know what you are trying to do, but to an adcom who has read thousands of paper, they're going to see this sentence as BS. Explain what exactly about the separate areas allowed you to think that you could become a practicing attorney. Also, after explicitly stating this, you will maybe find that you do not have to say that you want to become a "practicing attorney.) By the time I graduated magna cum laude with my associate’s degree I was already overwhelmed with the decision to pursue a Juris Doctorate (why were you so overwhelmed? Just in the previous sentence, you seemed like you were jumping for joy. You even used the exclamation point. So, I am not sure why you are now feeling overwhelmed, especially since you have now earned your degree). I had even enrolled in a joint Homeland Security & Public Safety program at my university in which I could obtain the required baccalaureate degree to gain admission into law school. I quickly realized that the Homeland Security & Public Safety program was not only a wise choice for me because it offered a certain type of degree, but the area also explained more about the judicial process which excited me (Okay, now you are back to being excited. Do you see what I was saying in the previous sentence?Your moods don't mean anything. You have to support your mood, if it is so necessary to include. Your paper should be so coherent that I can almost feel the mood that you were experiencing, rather than you having to tell me) . In addition, the program encouraged public speaking and open discussion or debate within the classroom which have helped to improve my speaking skills, and I expect this will assist me in my legal education. Above all, the program presented an opportunity for me to serve an internship under a local Judge at the [OMMITTED] Court in [OMMITTED], Indiana. This experience allowed me to witness two hundred hours of court proceedings which added to my excitement about the law, but also lead to a realizationWhat was this realization?. My internal intuition that had gotten me this far in my education was leading me to this, and I knew it then more than ever.
This sentence, for one reads like a resume. I could have gotten all of this from your resume. Yes, I just repeated myself. One read of your resume and transcript could tell me everything that you've written here. Therefore, you haven't given yourself an advantage. You are saying what the adcom will already know. I suggest you take all of this out, or expand on one of the many ideas in this paragraph and go from there.)

Sadly, tragedy recently struck again in the fall (Fall) of 2012 with the unexpected death of my mother, and I am once again reminded of how short life is and how important it is for a person to pursue what is they have become inspired to do. My journey hasn’t been an easy one up until this point, and I expect a legal education will have its challenges as well. However, the best way I know to honor the ones I love that are gone today is to pursue my dreams, and become the success that I know I can be. I have never doubted my worth, but now is my time to prove my true value to myself and the ones I love.


So, if I am rating your paper, I will give it a 10 for effort. Everyone is a winner! But, the gist of your paper is something that I could have found out elsewhere. The PS should be another way for the adcom to get to know you. You have basically explained why you took this class, or why you did this internship. Quite frankly, I do not think they care about that. They want to know something else. I think you did a good job of bringing up the idea that you were stuck in an almost dead end job. You should take it from there and talk about something you learned in your internship or something of that sort. Your background and your upbringing are all irrelevant, with all due respect. It does not have any place. There was not much of a coherent flow in this paper. It just seemed like you were stuck and well, shit, let me try law. I'd be happy to look over other corrections

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Steve2207
Posts: 253
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 6:31 pm

Re: 2nd draft.. dont hold back!

Postby Steve2207 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:55 pm

LoveLife89 wrote:
Steve2207 wrote:Ok Ive done some tweaking, let me know what you guys think.. What would you rate this 1 through 10?


I have never allowed myself to believe that anything is unattainable. Struggles have certainly came (The auxillary verb for come, is come. Came is only correct for past tense) and gone throughout my life, but I have remained faithful that believing in myself and overcoming life’s tragedies is the only key to success that I have. Even upon reflection of the awkward moments I had growing up in a poor neighborhood, wearing clothes that weren’t “in style”, or riding the school bus all four years of high school because I had no other means of transportation, I still cannot recall one instance in which I doubted my worth.(This is awkward and needs fixing. I am trying to fix it in my head, but I just can't at the moment. It isn't a fragment or a run on, but maybe the words are just incorrectly placed.) I convinced myself early on in life that being poor didn’t (contracts do not belong in a formal paper. It will be seen as colloquial by the adcom. You used it in the previous sentence, but use this to fix every other contraction) make me stupid, or dirty, or any less capable of becoming a success (successful). By the time I was twenty one years old, I felt fairly accomplished in life (When you have a sentence like this, I am left wondering where did this come from because before this, you spoke about not feeling less than because of your socioeconomic status. So, I think you should change this to, "By age twenty-one, different acts in my life allowed me to feel like an accomplished individual." This lets the reader know that the next sentence will touch on this notion). I had managed to be the first in my family to graduate high school, and I had successfully served my country as a United States Marine. Afterward, I obtained employment with a very successful local business which paid generously enough (generally paid) for me to live comfortably with my wife and newborn child. It became very important for me as a new father to protect my child from the disadvantages that I experienced, yet (while, instead of yet, also providing him with the model that hard work and determination can lead a person to succes.)at the same time provide him with an example that hard work and determination will lead a person to success. Sadly, a new chapter of my life began at this time which presented another struggle we all must overcome eventually. Within a three year period, a total of ten of my very close friends and family passed away in separate instances. I began to look at life differently after the traumatic string of deaths, and what I wanted for myself and my family. I began to realize that perhaps my “good job” within the community was actually pretty mediocre, and I began to wonder what I would be remembered for when my life came to an end. Going to the same job day after day and providing for my family would certainly be commendable, but was I capable of more? Should I dare leave the safety of a successful business that pays well in a failing economy to pursue an education? I was very fearful to make such a bold decision, but my instinct kept insisting that I could accomplish more, and that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn’t began to pursue something better for myself and my family.
This paragraph needs to be condensed or split up into separate paragraphs. You have many differing ideas in this one paragraph. I am told about your upbringing, then you being a husband and father, then to the unfortunate deaths in your family, to rethinking your future. This is too much. If these were different paragraphs, I apologize for my shitty Mac.

Taking a leap of faith, I gave a months’ (month's) notice with my employer and began working toward an associate degree in Paralegal Studies. The introductions into the separate areas of the law left me both excited and curious to learn more. The same instinct inside me that insisted I pursue an education was beginning to suggest that I embark on a journey to become a practicing attorney! (No. You need to find a better way to do this because it seems phony. I know what you are trying to do, but to an adcom who has read thousands of paper, they're going to see this sentence as BS. Explain what exactly about the separate areas allowed you to think that you could become a practicing attorney. Also, after explicitly stating this, you will maybe find that you do not have to say that you want to become a "practicing attorney.) By the time I graduated magna cum laude with my associate’s degree I was already overwhelmed with the decision to pursue a Juris Doctorate (why were you so overwhelmed? Just in the previous sentence, you seemed like you were jumping for joy. You even used the exclamation point. So, I am not sure why you are now feeling overwhelmed, especially since you have now earned your degree). I had even enrolled in a joint Homeland Security & Public Safety program at my university in which I could obtain the required baccalaureate degree to gain admission into law school. I quickly realized that the Homeland Security & Public Safety program was not only a wise choice for me because it offered a certain type of degree, but the area also explained more about the judicial process which excited me (Okay, now you are back to being excited. Do you see what I was saying in the previous sentence?Your moods don't mean anything. You have to support your mood, if it is so necessary to include. Your paper should be so coherent that I can almost feel the mood that you were experiencing, rather than you having to tell me) . In addition, the program encouraged public speaking and open discussion or debate within the classroom which have helped to improve my speaking skills, and I expect this will assist me in my legal education. Above all, the program presented an opportunity for me to serve an internship under a local Judge at the [OMMITTED] Court in [OMMITTED], Indiana. This experience allowed me to witness two hundred hours of court proceedings which added to my excitement about the law, but also lead to a realizationWhat was this realization?. My internal intuition that had gotten me this far in my education was leading me to this, and I knew it then more than ever.
This sentence, for one reads like a resume. I could have gotten all of this from your resume. Yes, I just repeated myself. One read of your resume and transcript could tell me everything that you've written here. Therefore, you haven't given yourself an advantage. You are saying what the adcom will already know. I suggest you take all of this out, or expand on one of the many ideas in this paragraph and go from there.)

Sadly, tragedy recently struck again in the fall (Fall) of 2012 with the unexpected death of my mother, and I am once again reminded of how short life is and how important it is for a person to pursue what is they have become inspired to do. My journey hasn’t been an easy one up until this point, and I expect a legal education will have its challenges as well. However, the best way I know to honor the ones I love that are gone today is to pursue my dreams, and become the success that I know I can be. I have never doubted my worth, but now is my time to prove my true value to myself and the ones I love.


So, if I am rating your paper, I will give it a 10 for effort. Everyone is a winner! But, the gist of your paper is something that I could have found out elsewhere. The PS should be another way for the adcom to get to know you. You have basically explained why you took this class, or why you did this internship. Quite frankly, I do not think they care about that. They want to know something else. I think you did a good job of bringing up the idea that you were stuck in an almost dead end job. You should take it from there and talk about something you learned in your internship or something of that sort. Your background and your upbringing are all irrelevant, with all due respect. It does not have any place. There was not much of a coherent flow in this paper. It just seemed like you were stuck and well, shit, let me try law. I'd be happy to look over other corrections


Thanks! I have been waiting for some criticism! You made some valid points and I already see some mistakes that can be easily corrected. In regard to my work experience, I guess I failed, because the point I was trying to make was that the job was far from a dead end! I could have lived succesfully there and had pride in my work. But I felt compelled to leave to pursue something even better. Im trying to think of a way to reword that so it is more clear. I love the criticism though, if there are any others dont hesitate! You have been a great help.
BTW, the paragraphs where split but when I copied and pasted they were altogether. Thanks for the help!

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Bfalcon
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Re: 2nd draft.. dont hold back!

Postby Bfalcon » Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:31 pm

You're an ex-Marine and I'm ex-infantry so I'll give it to you just as I would any of my troops. 4 out of 10. Maybe. We see some degree of drive and determination in the paper (Ooorah), a few life stories, and introduction of some real-world legal experience. You've completely missed the bus on explaining your real interaction in these events, interactions that demonstrate not just positive qualities, but absolute core competencies and qualities which would make a committee say "wow! this guy could be great for us!".

You've mentioned experiences with death in two separate areas of the PS (very sorry about your mother btw), but they lack flow, and frankly, don't serve to much further the paper. What you need to do is focus on how you responded to them in some real situations perhaps. Focus on your attributes of maturity (you have a family which you have clearly taken good care of), and success in school while doing so. Consider delving into your business experiences and using it to explain leadership and effecting positive change. Finally, anything interesting about your service which could be a benefit to point out?

Cheers

ps, if I have time I'll try and go through it with a fine-tooth comb later on

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Steve2207
Posts: 253
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 6:31 pm

Re: 2nd draft.. dont hold back!

Postby Steve2207 » Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:18 pm

Bfalcon wrote:You're an ex-Marine and I'm ex-infantry so I'll give it to you just as I would any of my troops. 4 out of 10. Maybe. We see some degree of drive and determination in the paper (Ooorah), a few life stories, and introduction of some real-world legal experience. You've completely missed the bus on explaining your real interaction in these events, interactions that demonstrate not just positive qualities, but absolute core competencies and qualities which would make a committee say "wow! this guy could be great for us!".

You've mentioned experiences with death in two separate areas of the PS (very sorry about your mother btw), but they lack flow, and frankly, don't serve to much further the paper. What you need to do is focus on how you responded to them in some real situations perhaps. Focus on your attributes of maturity (you have a family which you have clearly taken good care of), and success in school while doing so. Consider delving into your business experiences and using it to explain leadership and effecting positive change. Finally, anything interesting about your service which could be a benefit to point out?

Cheers

ps, if I have time I'll try and go through it with a fine-tooth comb later on


Thanks




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