Can someone please look at my personal statement?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bahavin
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:22 am

Can someone please look at my personal statement?

Postby bahavin » Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:25 am

Personally... it's completely serious but I also think the content is either not good or not necessary for a personal statement... but here it is.

ALSO.. this is a first draft so I wrote it really informally in my own way but will make it look a lot better.


It’s sometimes hard to believe that when my parents were my age, they were living in a tumultuous and difficult life in Iran. By the time they had decided to leave with my one year old brother before I was born, a massive war had been raging on in the heart of the very province that they lived in. I rarely ask of it, but it often made me disappointed in myself that I was not able to make more of what my parents had provided of me in order to succeed.
Growing up, I knew very little about how my parents got to this continent as I was born here and just saw myself as a regular kid with no knowledge of what they had to go through in order to give me the opportunities they never had. Unfortunately, I brushed it off and took it all for granted thinking I’d just slip through as I always had. I had always been proud of what they were able to accomplish in so little amount of time in this country as opposed to others who had been here their entire lives but at the same time I did not really take the time understand the meaning of their accomplishments. Accomplishments are not just something that you do for the sake of completing something; they have meaning because they require sacrifice. Sacrifice being the part that many kids of wealthy parents don’t seem to take into account anymore. In my parents’ case they sacrificed the life they grew up with, were comfortable with, and the possibility of ever seeing the family that they love ever again. Once it finally hits, one tends to realize that with every goal, there is sacrifice and how important sacrifice is to any goal set forth.
Right around high school, when I started realizing that not everyone looked at me the way I thought I was being looked at. Being in an all white school as one of the only people of diversity, one tends to notice that they are not regarded the same as everybody else; especially after a national crisis where your people are looked upon as the enemy. Still I did not look upon this new realization with resentment but instead decided to take a look back at my roots and was astonished to find out what it really meant to be Persian.
Nobody wants to really admit that they are like their parents but the truth is, I could not be more like them. When they left everything they had and came here with nothing, it showed courage in a way that I will never understand. They had a drive in them and that drive was my brother and me. For that I will never be able to repay them, but I can make them proud. Their will and their fearlessness have trickled down to me in new ways that I discover every single day.
When I was in High School and finally maturing, the desire to make something of myself lead me on a search of what I wanted to do with my life. I tried out for many things including Mock Trial, debate team, football, and other extracurriculars but the Mock Trial is what really helped me determine that I wanted to practice law. It left such a large impact on my life that any single other profession never even dared enter my mind. It consumed every hour that studying for my regular classes did not already take up to the point where I was the attorney for the lead witness and helped lead my team to the State competition after regional’s. With my constant desire to analyze everything logically and be prepared, I was able to spot things that others had not which helped me excel at my position.
When I went to college, I decided that Mock Trial was not something I wanted to focus on again. I majored in political science and took as many international affairs classes that I possibly could. The amount of credits that I ended up having could have amounted to two political science degrees as I opted not to go for a minor but to learn more about how the world interacts.
I decided it was time to focus on who I wanted to be as far as how far I would impact the world. Fortunately, I have always had a strong ambition within me but was not sure of where I wanted to focus this passion. Because my cultural background was beginning to really define who I am, I decided to start a Persian Student Association at X University. It was always a serious plan of mine to start this organization; in fact I had the papers ready and a constitution written before I even graduated high school. The events that we held and the togetherness that it brought eventually showed me that I was not alone in my feelings about wanting to perhaps be someone who could make a difference for the atrocities that were occurring in my parent’s homeland especially during the 2009 Iranian Presidential Election protests where people were being butchered on the streets just for exercising their rights to protest.
After those events, it was not just enough that I created an organization that would introduce my culture to curious people. I know that just being a lawyer is not going to be all that I want to be; I want to be a voice and an advocate. I want to aid people who really need it so that they can have the same opportunities that I had.

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Br3v
Posts: 4174
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:18 pm

Re: Can someone please look at my personal statement?

Postby Br3v » Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:30 am

bahavin wrote:Personally... it's completely serious but I also think the content is either not good or not necessary for a personal statement... but here it is.

ALSO.. this is a first draft so I wrote it really informally in my own way but will make it look a lot better.


It’s sometimes hard to believe that when my parents were my age, they were living in a tumultuous and difficult life in Iran. By the time they had decided to leave with my one year old brother before I was born, a massive war had been raging on in the heart of the very province that they lived in. I rarely ask of it, but it often made me disappointed in myself that I was not able to make more of what my parents had provided of me in order to succeed.
Growing up, I knew very little about how my parents got to this continent as I was born here and just saw myself as a regular kid with no knowledge of what they had to go through in order to give me the opportunities they never had. Unfortunately, I brushed it off and took it all for granted thinking I’d just slip through as I always had. I had always been proud of what they were able to accomplish in so little amount of time in this country as opposed to others who had been here their entire lives but at the same time I did not really take the time understand the meaning of their accomplishments. Accomplishments are not just something that you do for the sake of completing something; they have meaning because they require sacrifice. Sacrifice being the part that many kids of wealthy parents don’t seem to take into account anymore. In my parents’ case they sacrificed the life they grew up with, were comfortable with, and the possibility of ever seeing the family that they love ever again. Once it finally hits what?, one tends to realize that with every goal, there is sacrifice and how important sacrifice is to any goal set forth.
IT WAS Right around high school, when I started realizing that not everyone looked at me the way I thought I was being looked at. Being in an all white school as one of the only people of diversity reword, one tends to notice that they are not regarded the same as everybody else; especially after a national crisis where your people are looked upon as the enemy. Still I did not look upon this new realization with resentment but instead decided to take a look back at my roots and was astonished to find out what it really meant to be Persian.
Nobody wants to really admit that they are like their parents but the truth is, I could not be more like them. When they left everything they had and came here with nothing, it showed courage in a way that I will never understand. They had a drive in them and that drive was my brother and me. For that I will never be able to repay them, but I can make them proud. Their will and their fearlessness have trickled down to me in new ways that I discover every single day.
When I was in High School and finally maturing, the desire to make something of myself lead me on a search of what I wanted to do with my life. I tried out for many things including Mock Trial, debate team, football, and other extracurriculars but the Mock Trial is what really helped me determine that I wanted to practice law. It left such a large impact on my life that any single other profession never even dared enter my mind. It consumed every hour that studying for my regular classes did not already take up to the point where I was the attorney for the lead witness and helped lead my team to the State competition after regional’s. With my constant desire to analyze everything logically and be prepared, I was able to spot things that others had not which helped me excel at my position.
When I went to college, I decided that Mock Trial was not something I wanted to focus on again. I majored in political science and took as many international affairs classes that I possibly could. The amount of credits that I ended up having could have amounted to two political science degrees as I opted not to go for a minor but to learn more about how the world interacts.
I decided it was time to focus on who I wanted to be as far as how far I would impact the world. Fortunately, I have always had a strong ambition within me but was not sure of where I wanted to focus this passion. Because my cultural background was beginning to really define who I am, I decided to start a Persian Student Association at X University. It was always a serious plan of mine to start this organization; in fact I had the papers ready and a constitution written before I even graduated high school. The events that we held and the togetherness that it brought eventually showed me that I was not alone in my feelings about wanting to perhaps be someone who could make a difference for the atrocities that were occurring in my parent’s homeland especially during the 2009 Iranian Presidential Election protests where people were being butchered on the streets just for exercising their rights to protest.
After those events, it was not just enough that I created an organization that would introduce my culture to curious people. I know that just being a lawyer is not going to be all that I want to be; I want to be a voice and an advocate. I want to aid people who really need it so that they can have the same opportunities that I had.



I stopped half way not because it was really bad or anything but because I have to go!

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tonton
Posts: 161
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:10 am

Re: Can someone please look at my personal statement?

Postby tonton » Tue Oct 16, 2012 6:22 pm

It’s sometimes hard to believe that when my parents were my age, they were living in a tumultuous and difficult life in Iran. By the time they had decided to leave with my one year old brother before I was born, a massive war had been raging on in the heart of the very province that they lived in. I rarely ask of it, but it often made me disappointed in myself that I was not able to make more of what my parents had provided of me in order to succeed.
Growing up, I knew very little about how my parents got to this continent as I was born here and (1) just saw myself as a regular kid with no knowledge of what they had to go through in order to give me the opportunities they never had. Unfortunately, I brushed it off and took it all for granted thinking I’d just slip through as I always had. I had always been proud of what they were able to accomplish in so little amount of time in this country(2) as opposed to others who had been here their entire lives but at the same time I did not really take the time understand the meaning of their accomplishments. Accomplishments are not just something that you do for the sake of completing something; they have meaning because they require sacrifice. Sacrifice being the part that many kids of wealthy parents don’t seem to take into account anymore. In my parents’ case they sacrificed the life they grew up with, were comfortable with, and the possibility of ever seeing the family that they love ever again. Once it finally hits, one tends to realize that with every goal, there is sacrifice and how important sacrifice is to any goal set forth.
(3)Right around high school, when I started realizing that not everyone looked at me the way I thought I was being looked at. Being in an all white school as one of the only people of diversity, one tends to notice that they are not regarded the same as everybody else; especially after a national crisis where your people are looked upon as the enemy. Still I did not look upon this new realization with resentment but instead decided to take a look back at my roots and was astonished to find out what it really meant to be Persian.
Nobody wants to really admit that they are like their parents but the truth is, I could not be more like them. When they left everything they had and came here with nothing, it showed courage in a way that I will never understand. They had a drive in them and that drive was my brother and me. For that I will never be able to repay them, but I can make them proud. Their will and their fearlessness have trickled down to me in new ways that I discover every single day.
When I was in High School and finally maturing, the desire to make something of myself lead me on a search of what I wanted to do with my life. I tried out for many things including Mock Trial, debate team, football, and other extracurriculars but the Mock Trial is what really helped me determine that I wanted to practice law. It left such a large impact on my life that any single other profession never even dared enter my mind. It consumed every hour that studying for my regular classes did not already take up to the point where I was the attorney for the lead witness and helped lead my team to the State competition after regional’s. With my constant desire to analyze everything logically and be prepared, I was able to spot things that others had not which helped me excel at my position.
When I went to college, (4) I decided that Mock Trial was not something I wanted to focus on again. I majored in political science and took as many international affairs classes that I possibly could. The amount of credits that I ended up having could have amounted to two political science degrees as I opted not to go for a minor but to learn more about how the world interacts.
I decided it was time to focus on who I wanted to be as far as how far I would impact the world. Fortunately, I have always had a strong ambition within me but was not sure of where I wanted to focus this passion. Because my cultural background was beginning to really define who I am, I decided to start a Persian Student Association at X University. It was always a serious plan of mine to start this organization; in fact I had the papers ready and a constitution written before I even graduated high school. The events that we held and the togetherness that it brought eventually showed me that I was not alone in my feelings about wanting to perhaps be someone who could make a difference for the atrocities that were occurring in my parent’s homeland especially during the 2009 Iranian Presidential Election protests where people were being (5) butchered on the streets just for exercising their rights to protest.
After those events, it was not just enough that I created an organization that would introduce my culture to curious people. I know that just being a lawyer(6) is not going to be all that I want to be; I want to be a voice and an advocate. I want to aid people who really need it so that they can have the same opportunities that I had.


Your story is - and i'm summarizing terribly here, so please correct me if i'm wrong - My parents came from Iran, worked hard, built a good life for our family, I didn't really bother to ask them about what they went through, then I got involved in high school, shifted interests in college, started a college society, and now I think law would be the perfect platform to continue that.

Can you see that the narrative seems a little disjointed? I'm thinking maybe you had so much to say that you just got it all out in rush...

Everything in bold imho should be re-structured:

1) did you consciously think that? seems a little silly
2)sounds wrong: you compare your parents to other people - other people i assume you believe are lazy- but you dont take the time out to find out what your parents went through. Your parents sound great, but your PS is about you, you're making yourself look bad.
3)This seems to just pop out from nowhere, no continuity. and also maybe don't start with "right around"
4) You don't say why you made this decision, sounds like you're saying "i just got over it" (not very mature) maybe just leave this out
5) terrible word
6) what do you want it to be?? you say you want to be a "voice and an advocate" is that what it's not going to be? if so, then they would be left wondering why you're interested in it

I hope this helps. the overall point you seem to want to bring out is that you started this organization in college and explaining the motivation behind you starting it. thats great! But you might want to focus your PS into a narrative that does that, right now it seems like a lot of stories that don't really connect.




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