PERSONAL STATEMENT...please tear apart, make corrections

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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LoveLife89
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Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2012 12:08 pm

PERSONAL STATEMENT...please tear apart, make corrections

Postby LoveLife89 » Mon Oct 15, 2012 8:30 pm

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Last edited by LoveLife89 on Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Malapropism
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:41 pm

Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT...please tear apart, make corrections

Postby Malapropism » Mon Oct 15, 2012 9:02 pm

I'm on my phone, so I'll throw in a couple brief things, chiefly grammatical.

"Often being distorted and seen as a slum, one can see how damaging this can be."
Following the comma, you need to have the subject of the dependent clause; right now, you're saying "one" is often distorted.

"...apathetic attitude on their school and their future"
"On" should be "towards" or "regarding."

"...one could change the way a community..."
This sentence from this point on is worded a bit awkwardly. Try to fix it up.

"I was not setting out to be savior..."
Needs an article.

"...seven years of successfully owning and her own business..."
Obvious fix.

"Naturally, I was very reserved..."
Why is the reader expected to believe this is natural? Don't make your reader feel stupid for not having assumed/ known something

"But I knew that I had to remain positive."
This is a fragment. It also casts the situation in a negative light; while you claim your student wasn't a bad kid, this makes it seem as if this is mainly your struggle. You also start a sentence with "but" shortly after in a way that doesn't really work. You do this another time after a semicolon, and start a sentence later with "and." All of this is messy unless very carefully done for stylistic reasons.

All in all, I would have liked to see a scene more than a description of the problem facing Harlem, or the development of your business as if I were reading a business plan. Some of the beginning also struck me as somewhat redundant and unnecessary. If you want to talk about putting your best foot forward, you need to add a demonstration of this, not just tell us. You also downplay the impact by saying you aren't sure if you fulfilled your goal; rather than this, why don't you demonstrate more fully the effect you saw on one of the kids under your tutelage?

In terms of style, I'd suggest varying sentence length and trying to get the piece to flow more. The ending can be more powerful if supported more; as it is, I'm not exactly sure why you want to go to law school above another graduate program (in which you'd put your best foot forward) either.

I hope some of this is helpful!

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LoveLife89
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT...please tear apart, make corrections

Postby LoveLife89 » Mon Oct 15, 2012 11:17 pm

Thanks for the feedback! I will look over these reviews

I also read from some schools and some users on here that it isn't necessary to actually stay why you want to attend law school. I had that in before but it didn't seem to fit.

Any more feedback?

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BerkeleyBear
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT...please tear apart, make corrections

Postby BerkeleyBear » Mon Oct 15, 2012 11:49 pm

Agree with the previous poster. I think it is pretty well written, yet, why law? I had to start skimming after the second paragraph because it seemed highly irrelevant. Don't get me wrong this is your opportunity to showcase your writing, so, if you feel this highlights your skills, go for it.

If I didn't know this was on TLS, I would have certainly thought you want to become a teacher or social worker or something along those lines. I think it's okay to not elaborate on "why LS", yet, not too sure about making the reader overwhelmingly curious as to why you are even applying to LS as the overall tone. Not sure if that makes sense.

Also, for your sake, don't under any circumstances say things such as having a fear of public speaking. Even if you think it will help you because you overcame an obstacle, I wouldn't recommend placing any words in there that could possibly be detrimental to your acceptance.

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LoveLife89
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT...please tear apart, make corrections

Postby LoveLife89 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:22 am

Thank you for the feedback. I completely understand. I took out the why law before, but I will try to find a better way to put it in.




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