Revised rough draft...please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
LoveLife89
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2012 12:08 pm

Revised rough draft...please critique

Postby LoveLife89 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 9:42 pm

.
Last edited by LoveLife89 on Mon Oct 15, 2012 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
NoodleyOne
Posts: 2358
Joined: Fri May 25, 2012 7:32 pm

Re: Revised rough draft...please critique

Postby NoodleyOne » Sun Oct 14, 2012 9:48 pm

I think you're on the edges of something great here, but there's a lot of work to be done still. The part that really resonated with me was this:

I wanted and needed to be that person who did believe in them and who did encourage them to pursue whatever it is that they wanted to be, whether it was the next Langston Hughes or the next doctor


That may be the only sentence in there that's really about YOU and not about what you did or about Harlem or whatever. And this was the one part that really jumped out at me. I think it needs less editing and more of a rewrite, centralizing on that. I didn't get a sense about you very much through this, but more of how tough it is in Harlem. I would focus more on this part, and scrap the rest, or at least repurpose it.

Also, the X law school part seems tacked on in a way to make it seem more personal. This won't impress adcoms, so unless you really want to talk about an individual law school (you could definitely pimp Columbia in a way as the beacon you could see from your roof or some shit), don't force it.

User avatar
LoveLife89
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2012 12:08 pm

Re: Revised rough draft...please critique

Postby LoveLife89 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 10:32 pm

Thanks for that. I'll definitely work on those corrections. And thanks for the input on the X law school




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.