final draft. be honest.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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eyescream
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final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Sun Oct 14, 2012 8:33 pm

Thanks everyone for all the help. :)
Last edited by eyescream on Sun Oct 21, 2012 6:58 pm, edited 21 times in total.

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eyescream
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Mon Oct 15, 2012 9:21 am

just a bump

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NoodleyOne
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby NoodleyOne » Mon Oct 15, 2012 9:54 am

I like the story, but I have a slight problem with it as a Personal Statement. I don't think you feature prominently enough. There aren't many details about you (and in fact you only feature prominently in the last two paragraphs). I can't think now on such little sleep, but I don't walk away from this knowing much more about you than I would have gotten from your resume.

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eyescream
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Mon Oct 15, 2012 12:23 pm

I was worried about that. I made some changes that, I hope, will feature me more prominently throughout the story. Also, thoughts on whether I should be it with the quote, “Fairness is what justice really is,” Potter Stewart. Good? Bad? Too much?

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paratactical
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby paratactical » Mon Oct 15, 2012 12:28 pm

eyescream wrote:I was worried about that. I made some changed that, I hope, that will feature me more prominently throughout the story. Also, thoughts on whether I should be it with the quote, “Fairness is what justice really is,” Potter Stewart. Good? Bad? Too much?

Do not begin with a quote. It's one of those things that lots of people do and it rarely works. I think the way you can make this more about you is to make the beginning part more about who you were before the internship. You give me a pretty good idea of what changed in you, but it would seem more you-focused if you tried to give me a little balance act of you before v. you after.

Also, please don't say that you wanted to be "one of those bringers." You've got really good sentence structure in most of this and are clearly familiar with good writing, but that bringers thing is cringe worthy.

CanadianWolf
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 15, 2012 1:41 pm

Too long, overly dramatic & a bit boring, in my opinion. The forced resume regurgitation parts detract from your theme. I agree with the above poster who wrote that this essay is more of an anecdote than a personal statement.

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eyescream
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:33 pm

You’re right. It was too long. I had been wondering that, but I guess I just needed to hear someone say that. I got too caught up in the details of explaining how everything happened.

Anyway, I reworked a lot of it. I tried to shave off most of the melodrama and detail while keeping constant sense of "me" throughout (hopefully, I succeeded).


Thanks for all the critiques. They're incredibly helpful.

CanadianWolf
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:37 pm

Much better, in my opinion. Very well written & enjoyable to read.

P.S. Should "the just" be "justice" ?

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eyescream
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Mon Oct 15, 2012 6:29 pm

Yeah. Got a bit too excited with my definite articles.

Thanks for reading it through and giving the feedback. Much obliged.

Any other opinions?

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NoodleyOne
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby NoodleyOne » Mon Oct 15, 2012 7:28 pm

Eventually, the officer was charged with two counts of DUI with serious bodily injury and two counts of reckless driving. When I told the victim’s friend, he was estatic.


I don't think ecstatic works here. His friend is still in tough shape. Relieved or something works better.

I'm sure there are other little things like that, but for some reason that just jumped out at me. This one is better, but I'd still prefer it to be more personal. It still seems to be more of a story about this one event than one about you. I know that's such vague advice that it seems next to useless, but as you read through it I think what should jump out is not the tragedy with the ATV, or the injustice, but rather Eyescream. I walk away from this thinking about that cop or those poor people who were injured, not I want Eyescream at our law school.

vzapana
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby vzapana » Mon Oct 15, 2012 7:56 pm

based on the previous comments in this topic, there appears to be an original draft and a revision out there. i see only one version though, so i'll just comment on that one. sorry if my comments have already been addressed.

a lot of the dramatic movement in this essay is in the second half; i say you should seriously condense the first part. moreover, you should definitely slow down in the second part. the transition from saying this situation is unfair to saying you want to study law is rushed. i don't understand why becoming a lawyer makes more sense for you than becoming, say, an anti-drunk driving advocate. other people could easily change a few words in the last paragraph and use this essay as explanation for why they joined Mothers Against Drunk Driving or the Police Complaint Center.

here are some questions you could answer in your essay to better explain why law is the right choice for you: were you particularly moved by the prosecutors in the case? did you interview them? what did they say? why did you admire them?

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eyescream
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Re: almost final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Tue Oct 16, 2012 6:27 pm

No worries, vzapana. Your comments were great.

I tried to shorten the first half of the essay and lengthen the second while detailing a little better my transition toward studying law. I also tried to add more of eyescream. Whether I was successful in that..

Thanks again for all the help.

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eyescream
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Re: final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Wed Oct 17, 2012 10:01 pm

Just a bump for the final draft. Thanks again for the help everyone.

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SumStalwart
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Re: final draft. be honest.

Postby SumStalwart » Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:33 am

Great story! I like your voice. I know that this is small, however, I would consider changing “justice” to “just”—it’ll make that part flow a little better.

Other than that, you might want to reword the last sentence. It comes off a little inconsistent. Your story admitted that justice isn't always served, however, it is the goal of the advocates to facilitate the legal process. Instead of concluding that law [helps people], you could push that it is the purpose/intention of the law. Maybe, that comes off as too ideological, but, in my opinion, it seems more accurate.

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eyescream
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Re: final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Fri Oct 19, 2012 10:25 am

Thanks! I appreciate that. I added a short snippet at the end that, hopefully, doesn't come off as too ideological.

wwUSMC84
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Re: final draft. be honest.

Postby wwUSMC84 » Fri Oct 19, 2012 2:51 pm

Got a couple small suggestions, as annotated below; otherwise, I thought it quite good.
eyescream wrote:
I left the newsroom that night, nauseous nauseated. My editor patted my shoulder and gave me a smile before I left. Fireworks fizzled in the sky. Next morning, my story ran headlined the front of the B section. The next morning, my story ran as the headline for the B section. Everyone said it was a great story. I should have felt great.

I didn’t. That night and nights after, That night, and for many after, I found myself consumed with by what he the friend had said. The cop? The victims? They weren’t just characters in a story, they lived and breathed. I thought about fairness and justice and what they meant in regards to the law. Eventually, the officer was charged with two counts of DUI with serious bodily injury and two counts of reckless driving. When I told the victim’s friend, he was relieved.

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eyescream
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Re: final draft. be honest.

Postby eyescream » Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:32 pm

Really good catches. Thanks much for all the help, everyone. I'm trying to get the statement as close to perfect as possible. You've all been an incredible help.

Any other tips, anyone?




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