Destroy my PS!!! Tell me everything. anything. something.

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Anonymous User
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Destroy my PS!!! Tell me everything. anything. something.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 11:34 am

I wrote my first rough draft..
and I am very unsure whether I am on the right direction or not.
I really need some help guys...
Please be brutal.
I would greatly and truly appreciate your critique. Thank you very very much in advance!!

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“Always be humble and never fight.” These words from my grandfather kept ringing in my mind at dinner in the Larche community house, in the outskirt of London, gathered together with people with and without disabilities.
Last summer, shortly after my grandfather’s passing, I joined my Korean church’s two-week mission trip to three different Christian communities in Europe. As both an interpreter and a student leader of twenty Korean college students, I had to act as a liaison between my group and the community members.

In the Larche, every assistant was paired up into a team with a person with disability. What impressed me the most was that the assistants did not assume a superior position in the teams. But by humbly lowering themselves with sincerity and patience, the assistants cooperated with their counterparts. The assistants acted as mediators between their partners and the world. Despite many challenges, the teams created small miracles every day, the miracles of a harmonized living based on equality. In that setting, the people with disabilities were able to improve slowly by gaining confidence and traits necessary to become more independent. The assistants also shared how much they were learning from their partners.

The modest behaviors of the assistants shed a new light on the meaning of my grandfather’s advice on a humble life, which I had been struggling to figure out ever since his passing two months prior to the trip. Humility was not a mere absence of arrogance nor was it a character trait an end in itself. Rather, a humble life entailed accepting others as they are, willingly learning from them, and marching ahead together for the common goal.

This realization inspired me to reconsider my role in the group. Though my students were very capable, their shyness and lack of fluency in English discouraged them from actively interacting with the community members. I had thought the best way of helping them was to push myself to do as much as I can for them. I gave speeches to the community members and led discussions between the community members and my students. But something was still missing. Coming to Europe and interacting with diverse people from different parts of the world was a valuable opportunity for my students to step out of their comfort zone and grow as a person. To achieve that end, they had to get more involved and engage in a dialog with others. And I had to help them help themselves instead of doing everything by myself. We had to walk together.

As we headed to our last destination, the Taize community in France, the first thing I did was to enhance the students’ confidence by sharing my personal accounts of overcoming the difficulties of interacting with foreigners. As a Korean-American who had lived in Korea and the U.S., and had travelled over twenty countries, I learned that the difficulties of communicating with foreigners came mostly from my own prejudice against them, and the walls I built to confine myself. But once I had determined to break out of that wall and open up, many of them welcomed me and willingly shared their stories together. Though I was aware that it would be difficult at first, I encouraged my students to try their best in taking the initiatives to reach out to others at Taize, which is devoted to prayer, communal work, and discussion groups, with visitors from all over the world. There, I still tried my best to act as an intermediary between my group and others to enable my students to communicate with others. I organized soccer matches between my group and others. I introduced newly met foreigners to my students to foster friendship. I was an interpreter in lectures and small group discussions. While making these efforts, however, I consciously assumed a more passive role by letting my students do things as much on their own and engage more in the community. I let them converse and interact with others as much on their own, and interfered only when it was necessary. As days progressed, I saw my students slowly opening up their hearts and starting to interact with other foreigners. Though sometimes their conversations did not flow so smoothly, I knew all those attempts and efforts truly meant something, just as the same kinds of endeavors had helped me mature in the past. Those two weeks in Europe was a time of growth for both my students and I. My students became more confident and open-minded after their meaningful interaction with people from other countries while I was able to learn how to cooperate with and serve others in a more genuine way.

Through these experiences I have seen a glimpse of how different people can communicate and harmonize with others. I hope to become someone who can mediate that process by humbly accepting others’ views and working for the common good. And that is one of the main reasons why I want to pursue legal studies. Through two legal internships and many classes in college, I have witnessed how laws work as a mediating force to bring diverse voices in a society to a mutual understanding leading to a harmonization. I believe pursuing legal studies will equip me with practical gears to create some small miracles of harmony in everyday life. I especially want to go into the field of international law, where I can bring my multi-cultural background to bridge the gap between diverse people of the world and tackle issues around the globe.

In days to come, I hope to pass on to my grandchildren the legacy my grandfather has left me, but also with one addition, “Be humble, never fight, and harmonize.”

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Lincoln
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Joined: Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:27 pm

Re: Destroy my PS!!! Tell me everything. anything. something.

Postby Lincoln » Wed Oct 10, 2012 11:48 am

First, I don't know what you mean by "harmonize." That's a problem, given that it's the punchline of your essay. "Harmonize with others" is nonsensical, as is "understanding leading to harmonization." Thus, rethink the thrust of your essay.

Second, show, don't tell. It's full of adverbs: modestly, humbly, etc. I want you to show me who you are, not tell me about it.

Third, and related to my second point, this reads too much like evangelism. Although I understand that your religious affiliation and work is important to you, and certainly can make for a good essay, all I really get from this is that you are dedicated to your church group. You talk about "the common good" and that you want to "serve others," but there's no indication of what this means.

Fourth, "the field of international law" is something said by people who have no idea what lawyers do. The vast majority of jobs in international law are in arbitration, trade law, international M&A, etc. "Harmonization" has nothing to do with it, and your Korean-American background, although a possible asset to a future employer, will not, through a combination with a law degree, "bridge the gap between diverse people of the world" or help you "tackle issues around the globe."

Fifth, there are far too many grammatical and spelling mistakes.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273311
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Destroy my PS!!! Tell me everything. anything. something.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:10 pm

First of all, thank you so very much for the reply.
I truly appreciate your input.
Yes, as you have pointed out, I really need to work on it.

Just a question. Could you elaborate a bit more on the point about to show but not to tell?
Thank you very much again,

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Lincoln
Posts: 1029
Joined: Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:27 pm

Re: Destroy my PS!!! Tell me everything. anything. something.

Postby Lincoln » Wed Oct 10, 2012 9:29 pm

You say that your students acted humbly and modestly. Show the reader why it was modest or humble instead of just describing it as such. Also, since we are on the subject, what your students did isn't really relevant to why you should be admitted to law school.




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