.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
glaciate
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2011 8:56 pm

.

Postby glaciate » Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:13 am

.
Last edited by glaciate on Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

glaciate
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2011 8:56 pm

Re: Critique/Obliterate my PS

Postby glaciate » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:29 pm

.
Last edited by glaciate on Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

glaciate
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2011 8:56 pm

Re: Critique/Obliterate my PS

Postby glaciate » Fri Oct 12, 2012 12:41 am

.
Last edited by glaciate on Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

canarykb
Posts: 151
Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2012 11:56 am

Re: Critique/Obliterate my PS

Postby canarykb » Fri Oct 12, 2012 10:34 am

Sometimes you have to take a step back before you can take a step forward in life. I learned this important lesson through my experiences during the last four years. [This is soooooo vague. How do you say this in a way that is more specific to your life?] While I went to a private Catholic high school, it took a dose of reality to encourage me to step out into the world and try to make a difference. [Again, this is just vague. And honestly, sounds a little weird. What were you doing before this "dose of reality" exactly?]

In the summer after my senior year of high school, I was set on attending Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio. During the summer, I faced many personal difficulties. My grandfather, the closest male role model in my life, passed away during the final semester of my high school career. Instead of dealing with this issue, I suppressed it; I never properly coped with my grief over his death. I lashed out by stupidly breaking the law – twice. In a moment of introspection only a couple weeks before my freshman year of college was supposed to begin, I came to the conclusion that I was not emotionally mature enough for the rigors of college life.

In the two months prior to my decision to postpone my enrollment in college, I began my first part-time job as a busboy/support staff at a local Mexican restaurant called Don Pablo's. The transition into my first job was a bit of a shock at first. I grew up the only child of a doctor, and I enjoyed a privileged childhood. While I did chores around the house from time to time, very little was expected of me outside of excellence in my school work. I had always realized that I was a fairly spoiled child, but this experience in my new part-time job helped me to break out of my socioeconomic environment and get to know new groups of people. [Oh dear. This whole description just makes you look bad. You don't have to hammer this point home so hard. Especially since this job was only part time. Just say something like "Growing up with a privileged background, this was the first time I had to take a job to support myself, I still needed to learn the hard work/discipline this requires" and then move on.] During my time at Don Pablo's, I became friends with several Mexican immigrants who worked in the kitchen of the restaurant. While some of these immigrants spoke fluent English, others spoke very little English. One of my bilingual friends and I attempted to teach our new friends English throughout our time working at the restaurant. [Did they ask to be taught english?] Although it was impossible for me to experience the difficulties that these immigrants endured every single day, I began to empathize with my new friends. Through recognizing their difficulties, I recognized that my own problems were small in comparison to the problems of many other people throughout the world. This finally helped me to deal with my problems and reconcile my own issues in order to get on with my life. [Oofta. I'm just not compelled by this whole paragraph. Firstly, it's from high school, and you should really focus on a college experience if possible. Secondly, the biggest sense I get from this whole thing is how privileged you are. In trying to emphasize some points, you end up making yourself worse. If working part time with Mexican immigrants when you were 18 was really the FIRST TIME you understood that other people have bigger problems than you do, that really doesn't make you look good. ]

After spending over a year working at Don Pablo's, I felt that I was ready to succeed in college. Initially, I intended to enroll in Xavier University as I had originally planned a year and a half earlier, but through my experiences at Don Pablo's, I realized that I should again step out of my comfort zone. [What? Working part time inspired you to go to college because...? I'm not seeing the connection you're trying to make exactly. Was it that having to work was a hard transition for you, and so you were ready for another hard transition? Or just, like many, you didn't want to have to work a crappy job anymore?] I finally recognized that Xavier was my safety net – I had close friends attending the school and it was in a familiar, relatively close-to-home location. Instead of going to my safety net school, I decided to reanalyze schools I had originally considered during my senior year of high school. When I reconsidered my options, I immediately [Really? Immediately? Be precise with your language. Don't hyperbolize for dramatic effect, it comes across as less sincere.] recognized that living in Chicago and attending Loyola University Chicago would offer the best opportunity for the development of connections and the expansion of my horizons
.
Since enrolling in Loyola, I have continued to push myself out of my comfort zone [I really think you need to rework this thesis. Its predicated on working at Don Paulo's being the first time you stepped out of your comfort zone, and that inspiring you to push yourself later. The thing is, for so many people, working a sucky job is a necessity and fact of life. You can't expect the adcom to be impressed that you worked a part time job when you were 18. Because it's not impressive.] in the hopes of developing my own character and making an impact on the world. I joined a student organization on campus called the Student Alliance for Immigration Reform (SAIR). During my time in SAIR, we have campaigned for immigration reform in the United States, and we have raised hundreds of dollars for the Illinois DREAM Act Scholarship Fund. [THIS IS WHAT YOUR ESSAY SHOULD FOCUS ON. Lose everything else. Talk about SAIR, what actions you took and what values & qualities that reveals about yourself.] While this is only a small amount of money in comparison to the tens of thousands of dollars that a college education costs today, I hope that this will make a difference. This year, I am serving as the Vice President of SAIR, and we are planning a large event at Loyola to help illegal immigrants fill out applications for deportation deferrals in response to the Obama administration's recent decision to allow illegal immigrants to apply for deferred deportation.

In addition to my work with SAIR, I also interned at the Cook County State's Attorney's Office. While I was offered the opportunity to work in the Narcotics Bureau, I decided to do something a little different, and I chose to intern at the Juvenile Justice Bureau. [Why do we care about this?] In an office where I was the only undergraduate intern, I quickly gained the respect of my supervisors [You have to SHOW that the respected you, rather than tell it. Otherwise this statement comes across as bragging.], and I spent much of the semester reviewing important medical records and writing briefs for court cases.

Through my time at Don Pablo's, SAIR, and the Cook County State's Attorney's Office, I have learned the importance of giving back to the community. In the future, I hope to attend law school and seek work in some form of public interest position. While I cannot project exactly what form this public interest position will take, I hope that I will be able to use my J.D. to help the much maligned immigrant community in the United States. In addition, I hope to work in a prosecutor's office and give back to the community by keeping it safe. I have witnessed firsthand the difference that devoted individuals can make in people's lives, and I hope that through my devotion to a legal education, I can make a similar impact in the world. [This whole paragraph is filled with LOTS of repetitive language, and I think it makes your conclusion come across as fairly generic. As you think of unique ways to express these thoughts, it will make this paragraph pop more.]

I think I put everything I want to say in my comments. As you can tell, I think this essay needs to be seriously reworked. It really sounds like you did some cool & interesting work with SAIR and then at the Attorney's office, but you don't give those parts much time. There is a good topic in there talking about your interest in working for the immigrant community. You can mention, maybe, that you were inspired to do this work from your former co-workers at Don Pablo's. But that is ALL you should say about this job. Really.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.