PS please destroy.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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PS please destroy.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:12 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:23 am

OP here. Bueller?

Younger Abstention
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Younger Abstention » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:30 am

I'm not seeing where you're going with this at all. It's written quite poorly, comes off as generic, and you don't want to start your personal statement by telling the admissions committee that you are prone to missing class frequently.

Let's dissect it a bit more, though. You have a few potential themes here, but none relate terribly well to your goals of discussing diversity, why law, or personal development. First, your working to support yourself through college. That's ok I guess, but it's not terribly unique (I did it too, as did countless other non-trust fund kids). Neither is your second theme too special -- your parents divorce (join the club). And then, third, and somewhat related to your working through college and parents divorce, is your low socioeconomic upbringing. You need to focus this all more, starting with a specific incident and coming up with a coherent narrative. Finally, tying that in with why you want to practice law, if such connection exists.
Last edited by Younger Abstention on Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:37 am, edited 2 times in total.

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BerkeleyBear
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby BerkeleyBear » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:36 am

Hey, is this your intro? If so, I'd consider a completely different direction. I'm noticing a pattern from posters here on their essays, they are starting with this awkward novel like intro of some moment from the past. It makes me loose interest incredibly quickly. Don't focus on your life struggles and newfound epiphanies. Don't come off as a downer. Good luck!

Anonymous User
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:42 am

I thought that telling a story within a story would be a new way of developing a PS.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:44 am

BerkeleyBear wrote:Hey, is this your intro? If so, I'd consider a completely different direction. I'm noticing a pattern from posters here on their essays, they are starting with this awkward novel like intro of some moment from the past. It makes me loose interest incredibly quickly. Don't focus on your life struggles and newfound epiphanies. Don't come off as a downer. Good luck!


I am not trying to come off as a downer. I want to show that I can overcome adversity and it will actually finish up with a success story.

Edit: Could I start it out with a quote? I feel any intro, no matter what, will be somewhat repetitive for Ad comm.

Younger Abstention
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Younger Abstention » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:45 am

Anonymous User wrote:I thought that telling a story within a story would be a new way of developing a PS.


I don't even know what you mean by that, but... not so much. I'm not saying I like this particular PS all that much, it's got some problems, but do you see the way the writer carves a coherent personal narrative from a specific life situation (his mom's abuse and its effect on him)?: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=195592

That's step one.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:57 am

Younger Abstention wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:I thought that telling a story within a story would be a new way of developing a PS.


I don't even know what you mean by that, but... not so much. I'm not saying I like this particular PS all that much, it's got some problems, but do you see the way the writer carves a coherent personal narrative from a specific life situation (his mom's abuse and its effect on him)?: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=195592

That's step one.


I saw that PS and I really felt like I was copying. Then I started to be general and it ended up just being a cluster fuck of ideas. Check this and see if the beginning is any better.


“I want to tell you a little story about being an impostor and feeling like I am not supposed to be here” Amy Cuddy

I just started running. I was tired of being told I was a disappointment. I was tired of being told I would never amount to anything. I was tired of being told that no one ever loved me. I was sick of hearing these things for the past 10 years of my life. I was 16 and had just got home from football practice. These were the most common phrases I heard throughout my childhood. It was one filled with blood and tears, with heartbreak and fights, with abuse and neglect.

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BerkeleyBear
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Re: PS please destroy.

Postby BerkeleyBear » Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:08 am

I can only imagine after reading about 10 PS statements on here that the overwhelmingly majority focus on the struggles throughout one's life, normally giving a good excuse for not trying or performing well in the first year or two in college. Everyone of course has tremendous struggles and says they skated by on innate or natural ability. Then they get really focused and preform well and want to do something special. The majority, to me, seem to be trying way too hard to get the reader to pull for them on a personal level. I'm almost positive that if I was on an admissions committee, I would get so frustrated reading the same kind of essays over and over and over. There's too much mush without enough substance. You are applying for LS, SHOWCASE your writing skills and limit the sob story. I can only assume LS knows everyone endures hardships, and that these vary greatly. Yet, it's pretty safe to say every essay they see is over the top like this.

If you feel that relaying your life struggles and story out like this is what you want/need to do then by all means go for it. It's only my opinion that its bad to follow the norm. It seems like you have a good grasp on your writing abilities so I'd keep working on it. Good luck.

Younger Abstention
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Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 2:36 pm

Re: PS please destroy.

Postby Younger Abstention » Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:20 am

Anonymous User wrote:
Younger Abstention wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:I thought that telling a story within a story would be a new way of developing a PS.


I don't even know what you mean by that, but... not so much. I'm not saying I like this particular PS all that much, it's got some problems, but do you see the way the writer carves a coherent personal narrative from a specific life situation (his mom's abuse and its effect on him)?: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=195592

That's step one.


I saw that PS and I really felt like I was copying. Then I started to be general and it ended up just being a cluster fuck of ideas. Check this and see if the beginning is any better.


“I want to tell you a little story about being an impostor and feeling like I am not supposed to be here” Amy Cuddy

I just started running. I was tired of being told I was a disappointment. I was tired of being told I would never amount to anything. I was tired of being told that no one ever loved me. I was sick of hearing these things for the past 10 years of my life. I was 16 and had just got home from football practice. These were the most common phrases I heard throughout my childhood. It was one filled with blood and tears, with heartbreak and fights, with abuse and neglect.


Ehh -- it's just such a negative way to start. I'd start with the uplifting part of your story, and then go back and show how you've evolved from there.

From that opening quote and the first 5 sentences of your statement here is my first impression of you: you are an imposter, a disappointment, you'll never amount to anything, no one loves you, and the vast majority of your life you've been absolutely lost and a complete wreck. Now, haven't we all, and I'm sure you'll get beyond that in your statement eventually -- but man, it's a lot to overcome the hole you've just buried yourself in. Keep in mind these adcomms will read your statement for like 2 minutes tops, skipping around at their leisure. The PS probably won't give them a reason to admit you, but it sure as hell can be a reason they ding you if you leave them with a negative impression.




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