Need Help Please! Need to know if I am on the right track..

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Anonymous User
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Need Help Please! Need to know if I am on the right track..

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Oct 09, 2012 9:37 pm

As an adolescent growing up in a blue collar family, one thing that I knew I would be doing the majority of my life would be working. My parents, both of which are required to work full-time to support my sister and I, know all too well of the sacrifices that must be made in order to allow their children access to the opportunities that they themselves never had. At the time, I did not know how perceive the hard work and dedication my parents endured. It was not until I made my own choice to enter the workforce that I not only began to appreciate what my parents have done, but also how I have become keen in every decision I have made leading to my successes.

I was a 17 year old high school senior when I earned my first full-time position with XXX. Being shown firsthand what hard work and dedication could accomplish led to some of the most fruitful experiences I could have imagined throughout my college carrier. Although not a traditional college experience, I elected to attend my local community college full-time while balancing a 40-hour work week. Although being tough to balance, working not only allowed me to develop skills I could not learn in the classroom, but most importantly paved the way for an alternative environment to apply what I was learning in the classroom.

Managing my way through the organization, I had gained the full-fledged confidence in myself to achieve anything that I set my mind to. Transferring to XXX University my junior year was a testament to my devotion to myself and the battles fought through my college experience. Becoming a leader within XXX gave me the flexibility needed to be able put more emphasis on my school work, and allowed me to excel. While continuing to balance a 40 plus-hour work week, I became determined to set myself apart in order gain admission into the highly sought after Honors Marketing Program. This determination in junction with both my experience from work and performance in the classroom certified my entry into the program. Having led a team outside an academic setting, I was easily able to adapt to my peers whom I would spend the next year with, and was able to amerce as a leader in the classroom. In addition, I was able to fine tune my written and oral communication skills, as well as gain more tangible real world experience.

From both successes with my tenure with XXX and in the classroom, I was offered the opportunity of my current with XXX as an Account Manager. It is here where I have been able to interact and negotiate with legal teams both within my organization and my customers on a weekly basis. As I have become more accustomed to this process, I have grown an astonishing passion and interest in shifting my career into Business Law. Still need more here.

Younger Abstention
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Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 2:36 pm

Re: Need Help Please! Need to know if I am on the right track..

Postby Younger Abstention » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:59 am

Don't mention a specific legal discipline, i.e. "business law," as it comes across as quite cheesy coming from someone with no legal experience. I'm also not crazy about your opening, because 99% of people, whether growing up in a blue collar, white collar family, or even a Kennedy, will work the majority of their lives. So you don't want to open with something that, at best, doesn't distinguish you in any way, or less respectively, shows you might even be a bit out of touch with reality.

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TJISMYHERO
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Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 1:14 pm

Re: Need Help Please! Need to know if I am on the right track..

Postby TJISMYHERO » Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:04 am

Anonymous User wrote:As an adolescent growing up in a blue collar family, one thing that I knew I would be doing the majority of my life would be working. My parents, both of which are required to work full-time to support my sister and I, know all too well of the sacrifices that must be made in order to allow their children access to the opportunities that they themselves never had. At the time, I did not know how perceive the hard work and dedication my parents endured. It was not until I made my own choice to enter the workforce that I not only began to appreciate what my parents have done, but also how I have become keen in every decision I have made leading to my successes.

I was a 17 year old high school senior when I earned my first full-time position with XXX. Being shown firsthand what hard work and dedication could accomplish led to some of the most fruitful experiences I could have imagined throughout my college carrier. Although not a traditional college experience, I elected to attend my local community college full-time while balancing a 40-hour work week. Although being tough to balance, working not only allowed me to develop skills I could not learn in the classroom, but most importantly paved the way for an alternative environment to apply what I was learning in the classroom.This sentence is redundant. Don't repeat "classroom."

Managing my way through the organization, I had gained the full-fledged confidence in myself to achieve anything that I set my mind to. Transferring to XXX University my junior year was a testament to my devotion to myself and the battles fought through my college experience. Becoming a leader within XXX gave me the flexibility needed to be able put more emphasis on my school work, and allowed me to excel. While continuing to balance a 40 plus-hour work week, I became determined to set myself apart in order gain admission into the [insert university name OR "university's" here]highly sought after Honors Marketing Program. This determination in junction with both my experience from work and performance in the classroom certified[You need a new verb here. You didn't give yourself a "certificate" did you?] my entry into the program. Having led a team outside an academic setting, I was easily able to adapt to my peers whom I would spend the next year with, and [Either insert "I" here, or delete the previous comma] was able to amerce [Look this word up. I don't think you're trying to say that you "punished by fine"] as a leader in the classroom. In addition, I was able to fine tune my written and oral communication skills, as well as gain more tangible real world experience.

From both successes with my tenure with XXX and in the classroom, I was offered the opportunity of my current [Insert "job" here] with XXX as an Account Manager. It is here where I have been able to interact and negotiate with legal teams both within my organization and [Insert "with" here] my customers on a weekly basis. As I have become more accustomed to this process, I have grown an astonishing passion and interest in shifting my career into Business Law. Still need more here.


Looks like a good start. I agree with the other poster that you shouldn't mention a specific legal discipline. If anything, maybe say you are interested in transactional practice, because that is a broad practice area, as opposed to a narrow practice group. Good luck.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273497
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need Help Please! Need to know if I am on the right track..

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Oct 10, 2012 10:17 am

Thank you for both taking a look at this for me. It is very much appreciated... I know I have some work to do here, but is my topic/scope fit for a law school PS? I really feel that because I worked FT during undergrad has really contributed to who I am today, and shaped my decision to pursue a JD.

Thanks.




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