final draft let me know!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
zoomzoom88
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final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Mon Oct 08, 2012 1:09 pm

Being young and determined is the most dynamic combination of qualities an individual can posses. In myself, these traits take the form of an unparalleled fuel that ignites and spreads onto whatever is at hand. One steaming hot afternoon in July I found myself poring over boxes of bank account statements, credit card statements, and expense reports. I was in the process of tracing transfers, withdrawals, and deposits through accounts. Through the maze of numbers, large cash deposits, wire transfers for hundreds of thousands of dollars, fraudulent expense reports began to surface. Spending hours understanding the intricacies of each page, the numbers began to paint a clear picture of corruption and deceit. Hours into the process, I finally realized that each month $40,000 was being put into a business account for a business that only existed on paper.

This situation struck an all too familiar chord with me. In 2008, my grandfather lost his life's savings as a result of Bernie Madoff's infamous Ponzi scheme. My grandfather exemplified the American dream. An impoverished Italian immigrant, he used his inner fuel to build himself from a shoe shiner to an accomplished public accountant. He spent years frugally saving his money, putting himself through school, while building his own accounting practice. In his eighties and suffering from the debilitating effects of two strokes, the news that his life savings, the money that needed to secure his wife in her late years was gone, was what truly killed him. His condition diminished rapidly within the following months after the news of Bernie Maddoff’s ponzi scheme broke. My grandpa passed away on April 8th, 2010 with medical bills that his wife of over fifty years could not afford.

Sitting on the foldout chair in the living room of the Victorian-styled home that serves as the law firm’s headquarters, the weight of what I was looking at hit me. This was more than a laundering scheme, this was a representation of a major issue in American society; some with knowledge of technology and finances are finding new, innovative ways to exploit other. It was in that moment that my future as a lawyer cemented itself.

My boss, the founding partner of the Family Practice law firm I work for, was astounded at the depth of the laundering. We went over it for hours, calculating the numbers and coming to the same, repeated conclusion. A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court, our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the financial support that was deserved to her. That day in court she turned to my boss and expressed her renewed faith in the judicial system. In this instance, justice was served.

It is this faith in the judicial process that keeps a nation functional. If people are distrustful and weary about economic and government institutions, fiscal growth will be stagnant. Through my travel and academic experiences I have realize how vital it is for people to know that justice can and will be achieved, how severely a nation’s potential can be undercut when this confidence is not present.

During my sophomore year I was given the ability to travel abroad to Cape Town and Johannesburg, South Africa to study the intersection of HIV, healthcare, and emerging economies on a first hand basis. During my time there I saw numerous volunteer organizations, health clinics, and the plight of people suffering from factors beyond their control. Most striking to me was the emphasis that South Africans placed on building sound economic institutions.

I interviewed a local entrepreneur who had grown up in a shantytown under the apartheid government. Under the contemporary, democratic government she had become an entrepreneur and developed her own bed and breakfast chain. I had the tremendous opportunity of speaking with her about her business, life and South Africa’s evolving government. In this conversation, a statement she made regarding trust reverberated with me. Speaking towards the judicial system under the apartheid government she said, “There was no trust, no trust in anything. What can a person accomplish if they have no trust that justice exists?” I remember this moment clearly because it comes to my mind every time I think about what happened to my grandfather and to the aforementioned client. The difference between having a functional and productive economy versus one that has lost the trust of the people lies in the ability to serve justice.

These experiences have ignited an interest in financial regulation and securities law, which I plan to pursue during law school. I wish to work in this field of law not only because I have felt the rush that accompanies uncovering the wrongdoings of those who chose to launder money. Most importantly, I wish to help prevent anyone from having to experience what my grandfather did, and provide opportunity for entrepreneurial growth in every aspect of the fiscal market. In today’s uncertain economic times, I believe that the point of convergence between finance and law is key in the efforts to re-stabilize financial institutions and regain the trust of disheartened public. The United States legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen. For this to be done properly it requires lawyers who are fluent in finance and financial regulations. It also requires lawyers who have a passion for being the most educated and knowledgeable on a commanding combination of law and investment.
Last edited by zoomzoom88 on Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

milosmom
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby milosmom » Wed Oct 10, 2012 8:22 pm

I absolutely loved this personal statement! Great job.

Only thing is the transition to Cape Town. If you started the paragraph more directly with the business woman and quote then add the extras about South Africa in general it might be smoother and the most powerful part of the paragraph wont be lost by speed reading admissions people. Your call, otherwise impeccable.

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airbud
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby airbud » Wed Oct 10, 2012 8:37 pm

In the third sentence, do you mean to say that you were researching bank statements, cedit card statements, etc? If so, the correct word is "poring", not "pouring". Unless you're trying to say something else and I'm totally missing it....

So,

"...I found myself poring over boxes of bank account statements..."

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Thu Oct 11, 2012 10:01 am

thank you so much i will edit!!

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rabbitrun
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby rabbitrun » Sun Oct 14, 2012 6:23 am

Really great. Great idea. Great structure.
Few suggestions: the first couple of lines seem a little cliche. Personally, I would tone that down.

This is a bit awk: "A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court, our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the financial support that was deserved to her. That day in court she turned to my boss and expressed her renewed faith in the judicial system. In this instance, justice was served."
try: "that she deserved" It is more straightforward and clear.
"In this instance" is awkward and "justice was served" is a bit cliche again.

One of the better PS I have read on TLS

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 12:15 pm

This should not be a final draft as it contains several minor, but irritating, errors in just the first two paragraphs--which is the point at which I stopped reading your essay. You need to proofread your own work before labeling it as a "final draft".

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 12:20 pm

Just finished a quick read of your essay. Way too many obvious errors (e.g. "When speaking to a local entrepreneur..." is not a complete sentence).
Also, your thoughts are expressed in an awkward & overly cumbersome manner. Additionally, the theme becomes a bit muddled as the writing progresses. This is a decent first draft, but not a final draft.

P.S. Delete the word "and" before "fraudulent" in the first paragraph.
Also, consider rethinking & rewriting the second paragraph.
The transition into the sixth paragraph is awkward.
The concluding paragraph is weak & unimpressive.

Delete the word "so" before "clearly" in the sixth paragraph.
There are many other errors that a careful reading should reveal.

Overall, the appears to be a quickly written draft that was not proofread. In a few instances the word choices are poor & confusing. Do not submit this in its current form as it may harm your chances of admission to law school, in my opinion.

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 2:38 pm

ouch haha okay I will definitely do a thorough grammar edit

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:29 pm

It's not just grammar; you need to be more careful about word choice as well. For example, you referred to a "failed" Ponzi scheme that, in fact, was one of the most successful Ponzi schemes ever. Also, reconsider "unparalleled" fuel. Also, "frugally" saving his money may not mean what you intended it to mean.

"and" building or "while" building ?

the money "needed" to secure---not the money "that was going" to secure
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:34 pm

if i go through and heed your suggestions can i pm it to you and see what you think of the revisions? I want my apps out this week and am willing to put a lot of time into finessing this

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:36 pm

Yes, if you PM the revised version to me.

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:40 pm

great thank you so much -- also i know that my conclusion is weak -- i just am unsure of how to pull things together without sounding preachy but still making a strong pt. any suggestions of what to focus on? thnak you for your help!

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:46 pm

Just do a final grammar & word choice edit. Try for a smoother transition to your conclusion. Consider " These experiences have ignited an interest in financial regulation and securities law which I plan to pursue during law school..." rather than the somewhat misleading "As a law student at...".

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 4:20 pm

When editing for "word choice", the goal is to achieve clarity while building credibility. Words often cause readers to pause & think. Your goal is to raise interest while enhancing your credibility on the subject; you want to avoid causing readers to question your knowledge & reasonableness. Strong word choices help produce persuasive writing.

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 4:26 pm

okay thank you so much -- i am working on it right now.

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:13 pm

new edited version is now in the original post.

hopin10
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby hopin10 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:26 pm

"Steaming hot" reminds me of... well, a turd.

zoomzoom88
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Oct 14, 2012 6:12 pm

good to know. i have never taken a steaming hot poop but I appreciate your comment.

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 8:22 pm

The fifth sentence of the second paragraph needs to be revised. Not sure if one can "frugally save money". Might be better to write that he lived frugally in order to save money and put himself through school while (or in order to) build his own accounting practice.

Decide whether or not you want to write "Ponzi" or "ponzi" & stay consistent.

Add an "s" to "other" in the third paragraph.

"...the financial support that was deserved to her." is awkward & a bit confusing.

The last sentence of the fifth paragraph needs to be revised.

CHANGE: "I was given the ability to travel abroad..." to "I travelled abroad to ...".

In the seventh paragraph DELETE the word "tremendous". "I had the opportunity to speak with her...". Also, "speaking about", not "speaking towards".

"I remembered this moment clearly because it reminded me of what happened...".

The second "sentence" of the final paragraph is not a complete sentence. Try "...but, most importantly,..." as a way to combine the second & third sentences into one sentence.
The transition to the final paragraph is fine, but the conclusion is more of a whimper than a well thought-out determination.

CanadianWolf
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Re: final draft let me know!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 14, 2012 8:54 pm

"The United States' legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen." is a very weak statement.

CONSIDER: The US legal system exists to protect all through an even-handed application of law to facts in order to ensure consistency, predictibility and fairness. Fluency in financial matters and in financial regulations is necessary in order to become an effective part of this legal system. My passion combined with my strong work ethic should enable me to become a capable advocate for those seeking justice through the US legal system.




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