Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby usfvictor » Wed Oct 03, 2012 1:38 pm

Please let me know if i have major grammatical errors or changes that should be made. Thank you!


Born in Colombia, I spent the first several years of my life living in a middle class neighborhood of Barranquilla. My father had a decent job as an electrical plant worker and my mom was able to stay at home. We lived a modest life, one that my parents had worked hard to attain and had enough to be happy. When I was 8 years old, my parents and I moved to the United States hoping to pursue the “American Dream”. My parents left everything they spent their lives working for to give me a chance at a better life. When we arrived, my parents took the best jobs available to them, not a gleaming list to say the least, as they had no handle on the language or much education to their name. My father became a short-order cook and my mother took a job as a daycare worker. With this move I learned two very important lessons: i.) do not take the sacrifices others make on your behalf for granted; and ii.) make the most of the opportunities given to you.
Like many other Hispanic immigrants, I grew up in an environment where, although loving and caring, I was expected to be responsible, independent and help provide for the family. When I started high school, I began working to help my parents pay bills. A typical day consisted of attending class from 7:25am to 3:00pm, working from 4:30pm to 10:00pm, and starting on homework promptly at 10:30pm. During high school, I always felt a little out of place because my lifestyle was atypical compared to my classmates. I attended an affluent public school where most of my classmates didn’t work and the few who did, worked to pay for gas and entertainment. It was difficult at times knowing that my friends were participating in normal afterschool activities while I was rushing to work day after day. I was able to overcome those feelings by staying focused and understanding that my experiences would help accomplish my long term goals. Through hard work and the guidance of my family, I graduated high school with honors and earned a scholarship to attend the University of South Florida, becoming only the second person in my family to attend college.
In college, the world opened up for me. I felt much more comfortable than I had ever felt before. There were new people, new cultures, new foods and for me, a new attitude. During my freshman year, I joined clubs, participated in school and community service events, and eventually joined a latin-based fraternity that focused on community service and cultural awareness. Through my fraternity experiences, I learned to appreciate the differences that make people unique and the common human experiences that can help bring us together. Everything was playing out better than I could have imagined. Then came what has been my most challenging time of my life. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I learned that my girlfriend of 4 years was pregnant and I was going to be a father. I still recall the moment vividly. It was October 13, 2007, two weeks before my birthday. The months that followed were challenging. At times, I couldn’t believe I was in this situation and was doubtful of my future. Later, I became somewhat angry and disappointed in myself. To this point in my life, I had spent a significant amount of time and effort trying to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t going to be a negative minority stereotype, but that’s what I was afraid I would become. As the birth date drew closer, my concern was soon overshadowed by excitement. I became even more motivated and dedicated to accomplishing my goals and being the best person I can be.
My daughter was born May 23, 2008. Since her birth, I have committed myself to working towards positively impacting the lives of those around me and to prove to myself and others that hard work and dedication is the recipe for success. I was able to boost my GPA, was chosen by my fellow fraternity brothers as Brother of the Year, successfully completed my undergraduate internship program and got a job offer from my sponsoring company, all while maintaining my scholarship, working throughout college to provide for my family, and volunteering in various community service events, such as Autism Speaks and Relay for Life.
After graduating with my Finance degree in 2010, I began my professional career at a major financial services company on a positive note. I was promoted twice within two years and commended several times for my performance. Recently, I accepted an opportunity at a major healthcare company at which I have a greater amount of responsibility. Hard work, dedication, and perseverance have driven me throughout my childhood and have now translated well in my career. In my short time out of college, I’ve obtained a great job, purchased a home for my family and am now planning to get married the mother of my child. I’ve been able to achieve my own American Dream.
Though I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished thus far, I’m still driven to do more. Although I’m not yet certain of what I will end up doing in the field of law, it is my hope that I will be able to use the skills taught in law school to transition my career into a corporate compliance role and in my personal time take pro-bono cases, helping others who may not have the ability or means to help themselves. I am confident that my educational and personal experiences, combined with my strong work ethic and desire to help others, will benefit your law program. I am eager to face the challenges ahead.

usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby usfvictor » Wed Oct 03, 2012 2:45 pm

still looking for takers!! lol

User avatar
Legal_Padawan
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2012 7:43 pm

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby Legal_Padawan » Thu Oct 04, 2012 11:27 pm

Looks good to me, I wish I had stuff that interesting to write about...
Best of luck!

alex.feuerman
Posts: 147
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2012 2:32 pm

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby alex.feuerman » Wed Oct 10, 2012 3:16 pm

It seems a little scattered, there's too much going on. Usually schools accept two essays no? Especially if you are a URM, (which you are) why don't you write one about being from colombia, family values and having a daughter (which in itself proves you are grown up....you have to be) and then antoher essay about your college leadership experience and work experiences (more professionally oriented) with no mention of your wife and your daugher.

Just my two cents

usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby usfvictor » Wed Oct 10, 2012 3:44 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I already submitted my apps for my two target schools, but i will be submitting some later on in the cycle for my reaches, which do in fact take two statements( a PS and a DS). So i will def think about that.

Younger Abstention
Posts: 335
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 2:36 pm

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby Younger Abstention » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:28 pm

get married TO the mother of your child.

usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby usfvictor » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:37 pm

Oh wow cant believe i missed that....

Lord Randolph McDuff
Posts: 1587
Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2011 4:37 pm

Re: Submitting my apps tonight, looking for last minute PS help!

Postby Lord Randolph McDuff » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:49 pm

usfvictor wrote:Please let me know if i have major grammatical errors or changes that should be made. Thank you!


We lived a modest life, one that my parents had worked hard to attain and had enough to be happy.



Re-word. -- We lived a modest life, but we were happy and my parents were proud. Something like that.

usfvictor wrote:
I was able to boost my GPA, was chosen by my fellow fraternity brothers as Brother of the Year, successfully completed my undergraduate internship program and got a job offer from my sponsoring company, all while maintaining my scholarship, working throughout college to provide for my family, and volunteering in various community service events, such as Autism Speaks and Relay for Life.



This is crap. Re-work this. Way too much stuff in one sentence.

usfvictor wrote:After graduating with my Finance degree in 2010, I began my professional career at a major financial services company on a positive note. I was promoted twice within two years and commended several times for my performance. Recently, I accepted an opportunity at a major healthcare company at which I have a greater amount of responsibility. Hard work, dedication, and perseverance have driven me throughout my childhood and have now translated well in my career.



Write more like this. This is good.

usfvictor wrote: Although I’m not yet certain of what I will end up doing in the field of law, it is my hope that I will be able to use the skills taught in law school to transition my career into a corporate compliance role and in my personal time take pro-bono cases, helping others who may not have the ability or means to help themselves.


Very clunky. Re-work this.




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