Please review my final draft, I want to submit my apps soon.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
underperformingurm
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:19 pm

Please review my final draft, I want to submit my apps soon.

Postby underperformingurm » Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:20 am

Thanks
Last edited by underperformingurm on Thu Oct 04, 2012 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

anb012187
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 5:42 pm

Re: Please review my final draft, I want to submit my apps soon.

Postby anb012187 » Wed Oct 03, 2012 1:25 pm

You have a great story but I would advise making some of the sentences more active rather than passive. Also you tell instead of show your story, which I have found makes a big difference in how the story connects with the reader/adcomm. For the intro I would pick a difficult moment to illustrate the struggle and how events like this moved you to begin your non-profit. I hope this advice helped and good luck!

underperformingurm
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:19 pm

Re: Please review my final draft, I want to submit my apps soon.

Postby underperformingurm » Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:31 pm

Thank you for your suggestions! If anyone else wants to chime in, please do. I plan on taking this down in the next hour or so.




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