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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

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Postby Anonymous User » Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:04 am

Thanks
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: final draft (almost)

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:09 pm

Anonymous User wrote:[I could feel my heart racing from excitement as I stepped onto the field ready to show off my new sneakers. During elementary school, PE class was almost like a ceremony, a friendly rivalry where the boys competed and fostered a fellowship amongst each other. I never had that opportunity. Before I had a chance to step onto the grass, I heard a familiar voice calling my name. “____, it’s time for speech.” The coach blew his whistle, and I walked through the pavement across the playground as the rest of my classmates stared in what seemed to be a stretch of eternity.

Growing up, I dealt with complications from ____, a health disorder that resulted in health complications and speech issues. Thishad caused me to be treated differently and I felt misplaced among my peers. Because of this, I’ve had a lingering sense of insecurity tense change. Missing PE, field trips, and big events had not been uncommon. The most recent event was a cross country road trip my friends and I had planned during my college years. When I found out my final surgery was scheduled during the same week, I feltedfelt the accustomed feeling of disappointment creep close to me.

Surgery was no stranger to me, but my final one had been different. It was reconstructive jaw surgery, and I was limited to a liquid-only diet for months. My feelings of vulnerability were compounded by the fact that I couldn’t eat or speak, struggled to breathbreathe, and was bedridden during the entire recovery. It was the toughest physical experience of my life. Starving was the easiest part. Breathing was difficult. Because my face was swollen and my jaw was wired shut, I had to do it rhythmically and slowly or risk suffocation. Panic attacks would come and twice I had emergency hospital visits to ensure I wouldn’t suffocate. Looking through a photo album my friend had given to me after their trip had only stirred up a familiar sensation of missing out.

Sulking and lying on my bed with a remote in my hand, I had welcomed television into my realm of friends. It was late night and infomercials were rampant, but one had caught my eye. It was broadcasted by an organization that assisted those in third world countries with similar condition. A wave of disappointment came over me; all my life I had detested my condition while others hadn’t even basic treatment. I felt ashamed in my disillusionment and for taking my support systems for granted. It gave me a desire to utilize my resources in the best way possible, and to take advantage of every opportunity given to me to grow as a person.

Recovery at that point had turned around. I pushed myself to walk further each day, to use my spare time on reading and learning new things. The day I was finally able to climb a flight of stairs unassisted remains ingrained in my memory, as it had given me a sense of elation. A simple task, yet I felt validation. Validated, yet not satisfied. I felt a need to push myself harder, to apply this principle into all aspects of my life.

uh, random transitionWhen I practice Brazilian Jujitsu, this mentality has proven to be the difference between tapping out and giving an extra push that astonishes my opponent. In academics, I developed a strong desire to learn beyond what is merely essential, and to utilize my resources to improve myself. Currently I am working for a company that manufactures medical diagnostic devices for multiple diseases. Our products are known for its quality since we operate under stringent FDA regulation. As a GMP lab, every signature and every step in the process must be accounted for. This environment has challenged me to be better at my craft, and to apply my enthusiasm for growth into an industrial setting. In addition, my work reminds me of my situation and I hope the products we make are able to benefit others with medical conditions.

I believe my experience will benefit me in the legal field. My desire to be the best I can be has translated into spending hours researching the legal field, devouring information on how I can be contribute and learn from the legal field once I start. I believe this will translate into impeccable work, whether it will be achieving highest grades possible, or working at a firm lol if you think these are mutually exclusive. In addition, my current work in a GMP lab challenges me to better myself by being very detail oriented and to think critically to prevent mistakes and ensure better results. These are qualities that I believe will relate well in the legal field.

My focus on my speech has illuminated how important my resources have been and how challenging myself has brought great gain. Self-acceptance and motivation replaced my immature reluctance for therapy. Even though I was deemed fit to discontinue speech therapy, I didn’t stop there. I took a public speaking class, continued self-therapy by reading up and practicing daily on my inflection, projection and other aspects. Before I left college, I took an acting class to prove my worth. In the end, amidst the clapping of a live audience, I felt I had climbed another flight of stairs.]

So much going on at the end. It's like you tried to cram 8,000 topics into two paragraphs. Stick with the speech topic and cut the unnecessary "I did XYZ then XYZ, THEN I DID ZZZ TOO!"

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: final draft (almost)

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Oct 02, 2012 10:19 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I'm trying out a better transition for that one paragraph.


Anyone else? I'm submitting within the day or two since that's the only time I have free time so feedback would be truly appreciated!

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paratactical
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Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:06 pm

Re: final draft (almost)

Postby paratactical » Tue Oct 02, 2012 10:48 pm

Hey, so I did the first three paragraphs so you can see where I'm going and hopefully continue this edit with the other paragraphs. A few things:

1) you're having issues with repetition and it seems like it's coming from the place that "omg this paper is 6 pages long and it needs to be 10 by 8 am!" comes from - make your sentences simple. Look at what the first sentence of your second paragraph used to be "Growing up, I dealt with complications from _____, a health disorder that results in health complications and speech issues." That's a clunker of a sentence and doesn't really tell the reader much, even with the name of the disorder filled in. I changed it to "Growing up, I dealt with _____. Speech issues are one of the disorder's complications." Bam.

2) parallel structure, brah. You should strive for balance in your sentences like TLS Loungers strive for attention. In your third paragraph, you say "Starving was the easiest; breathing was difficult." Not a bad sentence, but if you balance the sides, you come up with something that's like, you know, poignant and shit. "Starving was easy; breathing was hard." BAZHOOM.

Good luck!

I could feel My heart raced ing from excitement as I stepped onto the field, ready to show off my new sneakers. During elementary school, PE class was almost like a ceremony, a friendly rivalry where the boys competed and fostered a fellowship amongst each other. Boys competed and fostered friendly rivalries. I never had that opportunity. Before I had a chance to stepped onto the grass, I heard a familiar voice calling my name. “It’s time for speech.” (Don't put your name here. You already said you heard your name.) The coach blew his whistle, and I walked through the pavement across the playground as the rest of my classmates stared in what seemed to be a stretch of eternity.

Growing up, I dealt with complications from ____. a health disorder that resulted in health complications and Speech issues were one of the disorder's complications. This had caused me to be I was treated differently and I felt misplaced among my peers. Because of this, I’ve had a lingering sense of insecurity. Missing PE, field trips, and big events had not been uncommon. I regularly missed PE, field trips, and other important events. The most recent event was a cross country road trip my friends and I had planned during my college years. When I found out my final surgery was scheduled during the same week, I felted the accustomed feeling of disappointment creep close to me. My final surgery changed plans for a college break, but did not change my feelings of isolation.

Surgery was no stranger to me but my final one had been different. It The final surgery was reconstructive jaw surgery., and I was limited to a liquid-only diet for months. My feelings of vulnerability were compounded by the fact that I couldn’t eat or speak, struggled to breath, and was bed ridden during the entire recovery. It was the toughest physical experience of my life. Starving was the easiest part easy; breathing was difficult hard. Because my face was swollen and my jaw was wired shut, I had to do it breathe rhythmically and slowly or risk suffocation. Panic attacks would come and were inevitable. Twice I had emergency hospital visits to ensure I wouldn’t because of risk of suffocateion. Looking through a photo album my friend had given to me after their trip had only stirred up a familiar sensation of missing out. I was, again, missing out on life.




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