Do I sound like a prick?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
slowboat
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:23 pm

Do I sound like a prick?

Postby slowboat » Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:29 pm

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Last edited by slowboat on Fri Mar 08, 2013 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Da1andOnlyPharo
Posts: 72
Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2011 12:13 am

Re: Do I sound like a prick?

Postby Da1andOnlyPharo » Mon Oct 01, 2012 3:07 pm

Is this a law school personal statement? You're talking about how you've trained intensively for rowing, and want to be an Olympian. I don't see how this in any way explains how you would be a good candidate for law school.

If you're trying to compare your attitude and perseverance towards rowing to how you'd approach your law school studies, you need to be way more explicit. You need at least an entire paragraph explaining how your rowing will make you a great law school student.

That aside, I think the story you tell has too many unimportant details. You spent more time talking about the people in the store than you did yourself, and when you did you were really just questioning why these non-athletes were so enthused by what was, to them, a big accomplishment, though not by you standards.

The story itself does little to help you make your case; it shows you have some work experience at least, but beyond that I'm not getting much.

Also the line in the second paragraph about the yes or no question--I have no idea what you are talking about with that.

Definitely needs some work..have you read the online book on this site? It's a good place to start.

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Tuco Salamanca
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 4:04 pm

Re: Do I sound like a prick?

Postby Tuco Salamanca » Mon Oct 01, 2012 3:18 pm

Yes, you sound like a major prick, looking down on people and ignoring them in conversation because a 13 mile run isn't up to your standards. This is the type of personal statement that I think could actually hurt you in the admission process.

slowboat
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:23 pm

Re: Do I sound like a prick?

Postby slowboat » Mon Oct 01, 2012 3:55 pm

Da1andOnlyPharo wrote:Is this a law school personal statement? You're talking about how you've trained intensively for rowing, and want to be an Olympian. I don't see how this in any way explains how you would be a good candidate for law school.

If you're trying to compare your attitude and perseverance towards rowing to how you'd approach your law school studies, you need to be way more explicit. You need at least an entire paragraph explaining how your rowing will make you a great law school student.

That aside, I think the story you tell has too many unimportant details. You spent more time talking about the people in the store than you did yourself, and when you did you were really just questioning why these non-athletes were so enthused by what was, to them, a big accomplishment, though not by you standards.

The story itself does little to help you make your case; it shows you have some work experience at least, but beyond that I'm not getting much.

Also the line in the second paragraph about the yes or no question--I have no idea what you are talking about with that.

Definitely needs some work..have you read the online book on this site? It's a good place to start.


Thanks for the feedback. Will work on some sort of concluding paragraph that brings out why my experiences make me a good law school candidate, and work on paring down the first paragraph.

Tuco Salamanca wrote:Yes, you sound like a major prick, looking down on people and ignoring them in conversation because a 13 mile run isn't up to your standards. This is the type of personal statement that I think could actually hurt you in the admission process.


Gotcha. Thanks for the honesty.




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