Please critique my DS an honest review needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
anb012187
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 5:42 pm

Please critique my DS an honest review needed

Postby anb012187 » Sun Sep 30, 2012 5:47 pm

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Last edited by anb012187 on Thu Oct 11, 2012 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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honeybadger12
Posts: 270
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 10:40 pm

Re: Please critique my DS an honest review needed

Postby honeybadger12 » Sun Sep 30, 2012 7:45 pm

How could you be afraid of someone being rude or cruel on TLS? Ha jk - please know that based on conversations with law students and admissions officers, I think the lack of courtesy sometimes shown on TLS is not common in law school.

I think you could have a great DS, but a lot of work to be done. I think it'd help your essay to do more show and less tell, if that makes sense. I think you should cut most of the first paragraph, because e.g. while it is true that you represent the stereotypical definition of diversity, the adcomm will already know this, so why waste valuable words saying it? I'm also not sure I'd write an entire paragraph about your parents, simply because this essay needs to be about you, not them. A sentence is probably fine; a paragraph probably too much imo. And everyone in admissions says that diversity means more than skin color, so I'm not sure you're bringing anything new to the table with your definition.

So if you cut that stuff, what should you write about? If it were me, I'd ask myself this: "What difference has being black made in my life?" I'd then sit down and type whatever comes to mind. And I'd ask myself this: "What is it about my racial/cultural background that would allow me to contribute to making this school's incoming class more diverse?" "In what ways will I think about the law that others might not?" And I'd ask myself those same questions for my gender, athletic background, sexual assault, or whatever else you're trying to discuss in the DS (all of those things are probably a bit much for one DS). And make sure you show, don't tell. For example, you tell: "A career ending injury in track served as a catalyst for my physical and emotional recovery." How so? Show the reader how this career ending injury brought about your recovery (although again I'm not 100% sure it's a good idea to write about this in your DS).

Not sure how helpful this is, but hopefully it's a little at least. Good luck and free to PM me if you want more feedback from me!




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